First Few Paragraphs

[Leigh Ford]

Ok - here goes, these are my first few paragraphs. I have brought my thick skin but not my suit of armor so please not too harsh - this is my first novel - Science Fiction genre.

Dr. Hunter O’Ryan scanned the large conference room he was seated in. He was in a sub-level of a military facility. In one corner of the room stood the United States flag and the flag of the United States Marines. Hunter looked up as the general walked into the room with his secretary trailing closely behind him. She held a stack of folders in her arms. Other than him, there were two other men seated around the conference table dressed in military uniforms. The men snapped to attention as the general walked into the room and Hunter instinctively stood at attention as well. Although he was no longer in the military, that habit was hard to break. “At ease,” the general stated with command in his voice. The general’s eyes had landed on Hunter and he nodded in acknowledgement of Hunter’s show of respect. The secretary then began busily distributing the folders from her arms to the men seated around the table. The front of the folder read “Classified” and had the Marine insignia on it.

The men each opened the folder and began reading the information. Hunter was taken by surprise at the combination of topics in the first paragraph:
Summary
Three days ago at 14:02, military intelligence reported that they were monitoring the downing of an aircraft. The origins and make of the craft were unknown. The original trajectory of the craft would have placed it over California however the crash site is in Honduras. A pair of F-15 fighters were sent to investigate the foreign craft as it was descending. At 14:29 the pilots reported trouble with the handling of their planes. At 14:37 contact was lost with our aircraft. At the same time the as this incident, the earthquakes began in Honduras, as reported by the USGS. That report, enclosed here within, describes patterns in the initial stages of those quakes that do not fall within normal parameters. Although after shocks are expected, these are at the same level of intensity as the original quake. It is not known at this time how or if these two events are associated. It is imperative to determine the origin of the craft, its implication in the earthquake events and the fate of the F-15s. This mission should be considered top secret and for level G1 clearance only.”

The general gave them all a few minutes to scan the folder and its contents. “Major Brouder, I asked specifically for you and Captain Laiceps on this recon mission. Your history together, and on a previous mission with Dr Ryan here, will be invaluable on this mission. Your directive is to gather intelligence regarding the downed craft and determine if there is any connection with the earthquakes. You will also note that in the briefing folder it states that due to the earthquakes and an already unstable government, there have been a significant number of incidents reported about militant groups hijacking the supplies being brought into the area.”

As Hunter listened, his military training was kicking into high gear. His mind was reeling with questions about drop off points and transportation to the site and the extraction plan. He’d been on many such missions before and in fact been on a mission before with Major Tom Brouder and Captain Frank Laiceps. But then his brain hit a brick wall. That was all in the past. He was a civilian now, a civilian with a wife that wanted him to come home every night from his nine to five job. He started to wonder, why him? Why bring a civilian in on this mission, even one with a military background? His eyes drifted around the conference table trying to read the general and Major Brouder. How was Brouder handling the thought of a civilian on his team? He almost chuckled to himself. Brouder was career military and damn good at it too. He was committed to a mission and to his teammates, almost to a fault.

[Joe Zeff]

This is wordy and overwritten. As an example: "Dr. Hunter O’Ryan scanned the large conference room in a sub-level of a military facility, with an American flag and the Marine flag in the corner." This says everything you did, butt in less words. Just say that people are in uniform, not "military uniform" because in context, that's assumed. I do hope this is just first draft, because it need a lot of work.

[Finnley Wren]

Joe is absolutely right about the wordiness. But it is a good example of what Stephen King calls the "all story" version, where you sit down and plow ahead with the story in brain dump fashion. When you've finished - and only when you've finished - you go back and edit the wordiness and fix other stuff.

Here's a couple of examples where I think a couple of changes and word cuts speeds things along and makes the writing more immediate:

The men opened their folders and began reading. Hunter was surprised at the combination of topics:

As Hunter listened, his military training kicked in. His mind reeled with questions about drop off points and transportation and extraction. He had, of course, been on many such missions, in fact he'd served with Brouder and Laiceps. But that was in the past. He was a civilian now, a civilian with a wife that wanted him home every night.

Watch out for cliches too. You use a lot of them, e.g. "hit a brick wall,"kicking into high gear," etc.

Short version, keep writing and finish it. You can always go back and fix it. Good luck!

[Ray Veen]

"Other than him, there were two other men seated around the conference table dressed in military uniforms."

17 words.

"Two other uniformed men sat at the conference table."

9 words.

Take the same excerpt you posted here and make it your goal to cut at least 30 percent of the overall word count, then see how you like it - I think you'll be really pleased with yourself.

[Leigh Ford]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really do appreciate it.

Joe -- I have not finished the book yet, so I guess by a technicality it's still a first draft. However, I did do some "polishing" before I posted it here.

Now I have a better idea of the areas that need work.

Thanks again.

[Laney A]

I read somewhere that your opening paragraphs should never attempt to describe too much. Engage the reader by opening in the middle of the drama. There is much time later to explain.

And remember the old saying, "Show, don't tell."

Keep at it. The fact that you've sat down to write at all is an accomplishment. Not to mention putting out for critique. Keep going!

[Kim Mackey]

Leigh,

I think you should start your story with action. What action? The downing of the f-15s. Do some research into how pilots talk by going to a pilot's forum. Get some background on what f-15 unit in southern california would actually send up fighters for an unknown radar contact.

Some f-15s are in national guard units, so perhaps a couple of national guard f-15s are up on their one weekend a month of flying and are vectored to check out the radar contact. Or, given the idea of homeland defense, perhaps they are up on a regular patrol and they get vectored onto the contact because someone higher up thinks it might be a terrorist. This way the reader starts to care about the pilots and wonders what the heck the unknown is.

Then, at a specific suspense point of the action, you leave the reader hanging as to what happened, thus encouraging them to read on, and you go to the scene you already have.

[d. Leroy]

Leigh,
It's been stated and stated again, but it's worth another bashing, because it's what's hurting you - you're overwriting and, the fact is, you need to write better.

I won't point out the same examples as above, but consider what's obvious and remove it. For intance, "She had a stack of folders in her arms."
No sh*t? Where else would she have them, in her mouth?
Similar to what Joe said about the military uniforms - some things are implied.

It's not as much about using less words as it is about using the words you've got in there effectively.

This excerpt was boring, frankly, but I'll bet the picture in your mind wasn't.

Good luck,
d.

[Jeanne Gassman]

Leigh,

You're doing what I call "micro-description." You are describing every single action, every movement of every character. Not necessary. Let's take a look at the first paragraph:

Dr. Hunter O’Ryan scanned the large conference room he was seated in. He was in a sub-level of a military facility. In one corner of the room stood the United States flag and the flag of the United States Marines. Hunter looked up as the general walked into the room with his secretary trailing closely behind him. She held a stack of folders in her arms. Other than him, there were two other men seated around the conference table dressed in military uniforms. The men snapped to attention as the general walked into the room and Hunter instinctively stood at attention as well. Although he was no longer in the military, that habit was hard to break. “At ease,” the general stated with command in his voice. The general’s eyes had landed on Hunter and he nodded in acknowledgement of Hunter’s show of respect. The secretary then began busily distributing the folders from her arms to the men seated around the table. The front of the folder read “Classified” and had the Marine insignia on it.

My quick rewrite:

Hunter scanned the sub-level room of the military facility, aware of the tension in the shoulders of the two men seated next to him. Everyone snapped to attention as the Marine general (give his name?) entered, including Hunter, who was no longer in the military. As they returned to their seats, a secretary passed out folders with a red "Classified" stamp.

Now this captures the essence of what just happened without excessive description, but it's still not a good opening paragraph. It's just too static. Nothing is happening. I can tell you that my hubby works in a classified environment, and reading folders at a military facility marked "Classified" is an every day occurrence. How do you make your opening more dynamic?

Dump the first paragraph of description. Start with action, a moment in time closest to the central conflict. Give us some dialogue. I would be tempted to open with the crash of the F-15s--dramatized. Show them crashing, the frightened exchange of the pilots.

Then move into a scene with Hunter--but engage him as well. Make him more than an observer. Have him talk with people, argue with them, etc.

Hope that helps.

Jeanne

[Leigh Ford]

Wow - thank you all so much for taking the time to read and critique. I have taken what you have said to heart and will keep working on it.