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Thread: Please critique

  1. #11
    Kate B.

    Re: Please critique

    Thanks leslee. I could have used a gentler tone. That's all I was trying to do...add authenticity.

  2. #12
    Roy Lindsey

    Re: Please critique

    Thanks everyone! I kind of understand that that the POV needs to be established upfront, but like I said I'm new at this. My intent was to show the possibility and potential threat in the first two chapters. Then once it comes to fruition bring in the good guys. Maybe that's not they way books are suppose to be written, I don't know, it sounded good to me.
    I really appreciate everyones comments. I know my work is not perfect but even I've thought some books I've read could have had this or that or a little more or less, or even ended differently. Thanks again and I'd like for you to read more once I fix it up a bit.

  3. #13
    Eternal Myst

    Re: Please critique

    I agree with the above, too much description...you mention Dr. Hoffman's jet black hair almost repetively.
    I am a newb...but I think there was too much info even in the dialogue. Maybe have the man hand the Dr. a business card (backside facing the doctor) with a large figure $$$ (of money) on the back and have him flip it to the front side that has the business name and address and such. Have him say a couple of words and then leave.
    I also agree that the doctor was too eager to give his information to a stranger.
    If a stranger talked about my personal life like that guy did...I think I would feel a bit threatened. I would be on gaurd.
    When the guy started to whisper (I read a ton of stories today...so bear with me if I am talking about something else) to the doctor...maybe a concern of why the guy was whispering would have come up and the doctor would have noticed Kate then instead of at the end of the scene.
    I enjoyed reading the story and can't wait to see where it goes.

  4. #14
    Roy Lindsey

    Re: Please critique

    Thanks Eternal Myst

    Why does this site log a person off in the middle a post?

    Sorry, I had a reply but now it's lost and frankly too tired to re-write.

    I appreciate all the comments. thanks soo much.

  5. #15
    Sail Away

    Re: Please critique

    Why does this site log a person off in the middle a post?

    To be contrary.

    I've learned to write long posts in Word and then copy and paste to the site. Beats loosing a carefully crafted critique or a masterful response to a critique.


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