Impressions please (Adult Fantasy, 728 words, some crude language)

[Dave O]

Hi guys.

I've decided to try out a new idea for a book that I have to help keep my mind off querying... So here goes. Tell me what you guys think. I'm mostly looking for general impressions. Do you get a feel for a characters, does it draw you in/would you read on, etc. Thanks in advance, I really appreciate it. Oh, and like I said before, there is some crude language.


A legion of skeletons stood before Ezal. The moon shone high above, illuminating a sea of cracked skulls and bent limbs. A thousand empty eye sockets met his gaze. Behind them, a figure stood enveloped in the shadows. Ezal smiled sadly. Theatrics.


Ezal’s hand was a blur as he drew his wand from beneath his cloak. A single wave, and the army of raised dead exploded as one, their shattered remains flying up in all directions, before cascading down in a rain of bone splinters.


The distant figure laughed, his familiar voice carrying to Ezal, who began to stroll toward him. “You have a knack for ruining my fun, brother. Do you know how long it took me to raise that many?”


Ezal said nothing, merely continued to walk forward until he was standing a stride away from his assailant. His brother looked surprisingly well for a man who’d spent half his life raising hell in prison and the other half raising hell literally. He stood proudly, his chin up, his handsome, youthful face meeting Ezal’s stare unflinchingly, wearing a faint smirk.


“Well. You look absolutely terrible. I told you, little brother. Didn’t I tell you the inquisition would suck all the life out of you? Or is it you doing the sucking now?” He paused to chuckle to himself. “Arch-mage of The Imperial Inquisition. Big man. Even have a fancy title now. I’m surprised you made time to see your lowly old brother. After all, the more throats you slit and cocks you suck, the more that you’ve yet to. Isn’t that right, your Imminence”


The wind picked up, blowing Ezal’s long, graying hair back, sending ripples through his white robe. He took in a deep breath, and made as if he hadn’t heard his brother. Playing along would only make it more difficult. “Nilik, you have two choices. Come back with me of your own accord, or of mine. I’d prefer the former.”


Nilik seemed to consider the offer for a moment, resting his chin on his hand in mock consideration. “But Ezal, what would all my adoring fans say if I came without so much as a fight?”


“If by adoring fans you mean the mothers who scare their children into behaving with stories of you, and the children themselves who cry at the mere mention of your name, well, I don’t really know.”


“Ahhh,” Nilik said, shaking his head with a grin. “Of course. You wouldn’t. Women and children are foreign to you. You’re married to the Inquisition. And I suppose your wife comes before your brother, eh? Even if she is a real bitch.”


Ezal bit his lip, his anger rising. “This so called bitch is the embodiment of Order, and…”


“Stability,” Nilik finished for him. “Yes, yes, or so they’ve drilled into us. Tell me Ezal, what good is a law if it has no logical basis? If it doesn’t do anyone any good? Learning how to blow people apart is perfectly all right, but making a few bones dance isn’t?”


“Laws are laws,” Ezal spoke, his voice firm. “They protect us from ourselves. Regardless of personal feelings, they must be obeyed. Good change only comes about through lawful processes. Criminals, on the other hand,” he threw a scathing look at Nilik, “must be brought to justice. If the government shows them leniency, then it will appear weak, and will be taken advantage of. The disintegration of organized society and anarchy lie down that road.”


“Our great civilization, as they say, is dominated by the weak, the fearful, the ignorant. You propose something too radical, something their petty minds can’t wrap themselves around, and they’ll have you killed without a second thought. Why play by the rules when everyone else cheats?”


“You know that’s not true, Nilik.”


“Of course not. I forgot. We’re all good inside. The emperor and the nobility care about the people, and are in all capacities the natural betters of the commoners. And as for those of us that are evil, well, our inner maliciousness is projected onto the form we take, as you can well see. Did I miss something?”


“Enough already! Enough of your games. We both know what you’ve done. And we both know what raising a few bones always leads to.”


Nilik’s face turned hard. “Skeletons leading to greater things. That reminds me…”

[Joe Zeff]

You start out with a cliche, and continue in a similar vein. Yes, I'm curious about the two brothers, their relationship and world, and it looks like you have some new ideas, but your writing hides them instead of revealing them.

Yes, it's rather hard to refer to a mass of animated bones in a completely new way, but you can at least try! Why start like this: "A legion of skeletons; how trite! Can't you come up with anything more original?" and continue from there roughly as you did.

[Dave O]

Do you think it would be better to remove the first sentence altogether then? I mean, it seems obvious to me what I'm talking about, but as a reader, would you be able to figure it out?

Also, could you point out what other cliches I used, so I can eliminate them when I go back to revise? Thanks very much, I really appreciate you taking the time to read through and comment.

[Joe Zeff]

What other cliches? Well, let's start with the "single wave of the wand" and the idea that mothers scare their children with his name. That one goes back to Roman times when "Hannibal ad portum" (Hannibal is at the gates) sent children shrieking centuries after the man's death.

[Dave O]

Ahh, ok. I guess that makes sense. I'll see what I can do. (although there are really only so many ways to say "single wave of the wand" :P). Thanks again though, that clears it up.

[jayce]

although there are really only so many ways to say "single wave of the wand" :P

How about he raised his knee and farted. Seriously. Be irreverent, be anything, but be original. These guys sound like a couple of high schoolers trying out for a play, e.g., "He stood proudly, his chin up, his handsome, youthful face meeting Ezal’s stare unflinchingly, wearing a faint smirk."

My opinion.

[The Midnight Writer]

I will agree that parts are cliched. I almost stopped reading at the word "legion." basically, what Joe said. I did read all the way through and the characters are interesting...are we supposed to like Nilik better even though it's from Ezal's point of view...?

[Rogue Mutt]

See, I don't read enough fantasy; I had no idea a legion of skeletons was cliche.

[Keith .]

This is going to sound snarky, but I skim a long sample to see if it catches my interest before reading. When I saw "your [/i] Imminence [/i] " I decided not to read. Just being honest.
km

[Dave O]

Jayce- Point taken. Thanks very much for taking the time to read through and comment.

Midnight Writer- Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you found the characters interesting. As for which characters you identify with most...seems to me that would be a personal thing, but I like Nilik more too so maybe that came out in my writing.

Rogue Mutt- To be perfectly honest, I didn't know it was cliche either. I've read about seven high fantasy books and none of them mention legions of skeletons. :P But I have seen them crop up in fantasy video games and whatnot.

Keith- Thanks for your honesty, and for taking the time to look. I don't really see why you'd be put off by a simple title, though. I mean, your imminence is a title that has been used historically, like your highness, your majesty, your holiness, etc.