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Thread: Just sharing

  1. #1
    QianLi Cai
    Guest

    Just sharing

    i guess i should introduce myself first...


    well, i am just a high school student who like to read and write. i came to canada from china just 3 years ago, english is not my first language, so please be so kind to forgive and point out my grammar and spelling error.

    this is a short story i wrote just now and i want to share it with you guys...please give me some advises
    ===============================================

    The old man and the little spider

    The old man found a little spider today during his morning routine. Delicate little creature it was, no bigger than a penny and itís eight legs took up much of that space. Those eight long and thin legs connecting to a body that was tiny and pale and almost transparent.

    The old man lived alone ever since his wife died a few years ago. So he was glad for the company.

    Carefully the old man picked up the little spider with his thumb and ring finger and placed it in the center of his left palm. He held it close to him and he studied it. Strangely the spider did not resist. Itís eight long and thin legs crouched a bit and gripped on to the old manís hand very tightly. Itís uncountable number os eyes stared at him. It set there and it was very calm and the old man was envious of that.

    Perhaps itís a very old spider, the old man decided, very old and very close to itís death. He decided that he liked this idea.

    The old man then splashed some water at the little spider and studied it some more. Tiny drops of water smited the tiny spider and the spider shrugged a bit. Itís tiny and almost trasparent body wetted and dimmed. Itís eight long and thin legs crouched some more.

    Yet strangly the spider was as calm and still and seem accepted itís fate as ever.

    The old man trembles. He thought he saw thousands of light beams shined through that dim and wet body, red, like the color of blood, of life and of a strong, pumping heart.

    What greatness! What greatness and what dignity!

    The old man thought of himself and his dead wife who died of Alzheimerís, he thought of his failures and defeats and his illness, the illness of old age. Then he thought, what use is dignity if one lives a life of pain and loneliness and helplessness? What difference does it makes?

    The old man teared off a piece of toilet paper and used it to crushed the little spider and the red light suddenly disappeared.

    I must remember to call the pest control, the old man thought as he slowly walked toward the kitchen to prepare his breakfast.



  2. #2
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Just sharing

    Some technical things:

    it's = it is. In all your instances, you are using a possessive it. So that is its.

    smited. That's not a word. Past tense of smite is smote.

    Wetted and dimmed should be wet and dim

    Yet strangly the spider was as calm and still and seem accepted itís fate as ever.

    Yet strangely, the spider was calm and still and accepted its fate as always.

    The old man trembles = you change tense here. Watch for that. You've been using past tense. You have to keep it the same throughout. The old man trembled.

    light beams shined through that... should be shining through that

    The old man teared off -- no. The old man tore off

    Go through it again and clean up the tenses and punctuation/grammar stuff.

    I thought the ending was awful. He was fascinated by the spider only to crush it in the end. I don't get it...

    Bea

  3. #3
    Joy Moore
    Guest

    Re: Just sharing

    It is an interesting story. I love your description of the spider.

    I feel you were trying to do a bit too much with this short story. First it felt like a nice little scene of an old man studying a spider. I liked that. Then it became very introspective of the manís own life experiences. That could have worked, but it felt too forced here and I was a little overwhelmed by the information.

    I did not understand the ending. The old man likes the company of the spider and then kills it, why? Was it that he saw too much of his own trials in the spider? Did he think it was silly to be studying the spider? I canít tell what the point of the ending was.

    However I think for writing in language that is not your native tongue, you did very well. I look forward to reading stories from you in the future. You might consider joining a critique circle online to share your stories with.

  4. #4
    QianLi Cai
    Guest

    Re: Just sharing

    Oh thank you thank you, god my tenses are horrible!

  5. #5
    QianLi Cai
    Guest

    Re: Just sharing

    About the ending: i don't know why i did that but i felt i had to do it, it was the only natural thing to do. After all, the red light beams were just illusion and the spider was probably just a spider. What the spider represents is the false comfort found in dignity when one is. It is false and therefore meaningless, and so should be destroyed.

    That's the literature explanation.

    Although the truth is: the spider was real and this is my own experience.(of course i am nowhere near old, but i fantasized about it) That was what i did in reality so i had to report that or this short story would be completely meaningless to me.

  6. #6
    QianLi Cai
    Guest

    Re: Just sharing

    amend: What the spider represents is the false comfort found in dignity when one is "defeated"

  7. #7
    Joy Moore
    Guest

    Re: Just sharing

    Thanks for the explanation of the ending. Now if you weave that explanation into the story it would help it.

  8. #8
    QianLi Cai
    Guest

    Re: Just sharing

    thank you, Joy Moore.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Diane Theron's Avatar
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    Apr 2011
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    Omg I so loved this short story. Besides the grammar (and writer had said that English was not their first language and requested help) the story line was great. Loved the ending! Know this is a thread from ions ago but hope that she did something with this.

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