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  1. #1
    Dave O
    Guest

    Another attempt at poetry (short)

    I did some reading on poetry but its hard to incorporate everything all at once. So I've resolved to practice till I get better. Here is something I came up with. Input would be appreciated.

    One of the things that I'm struggling with is whether or not the meaning is clear, and whether or not the ending is good. Anyway. Let me have it.

    Forward I walk

    The road stretches on as far as I can see,
    With a tiny red speck at its end,
    Endlessly forward it beckons to me,
    Endlessly forward I walk,
    For it is the one thing from which I cannot flee.

    Thousands of roads cross mine,
    Most never to do so again.
    There are no rules, not a single sign,
    The roads meet and diverge and end of their own accord,
    As if guided by some malign design.

    All roads that are, were, have ever been,
    Come together to form a greater path,
    And on the horizon, a great red sun is seen.



  2. #2
    Dave O
    Guest

    Re: Another attempt at poetry (short)

    Oops.

    The first sentence of the last stanza should be

    All roads that were, are, will be,

  3. #3
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: Another attempt at poetry (short)

    Sounds like a poem about your life and everyone who passes in and out of it and how we're all joined together eventually at the same end. I like it. It creates a very vivid picture in my head. Sounds like it's about how we're all individual but we all eventually end up in the same place and how people affect your life. That's what i got out of it.

    the second stanza seems a little awkward in the transition from "not a single sign" to " the roads meet..." that sentence, "the roads...accord" is longer than all the rest and to me interrupts the flow. Maybe prune a few words out of it.

    All in all, i like it.

    good luck with your poetic endeavors

  4. #4
    Matt Bloom
    Guest

    Re: Another attempt at poetry (short)

    Hey Dave O,

    I suppose I'll start with the negative, and move on to positives. I'm not crazy about the imagery of roads, since it feels a bit cliche (I'm thinking especially of Frost's "The Road Not Taken").

    BUT I do enjoy your concept of all life roads eventually converging and meeting the same end. I'll echo The Midnight Writer as I say that the idea of all humanity starting out on separate roads of ending up in the same place is intriguing. I'm curious how else you might describe that end if you developed the idea? What's beyond the red sun? As a reader I'd love another stanza.

    By the way, I'd love it if you returned the favor and checked out my stuff. I have a serial comedy piece called Striking Out at strikingout-story.blogspot.com. Access is free and you're welcome to shoot me some feedback or just read it for fun if you want.

    Thanks and good luck!

    -Matt Bloom

  5. #5
    C Hat
    Guest

    Re: Another attempt at poetry (short)

    Caveat: Poetry, of course, is highly subjective, so my opinions may or may not apply to what you want to achieve. (And I'm not an accomplished poet so take everything with a 'grain of salt.')

    You have a rhyming pattern: A B A C A

    You use this for the first two stanzas then cut the third short. That gives the end an abrupt feel. If this is what you want - great.

    Meter often accompanies a rhyming pattern. In the third line I see:
    Dum da, da Dum, da ,da Dum, da ,da Dum
    The fourth continues with:
    Dum da, da Dum, da ,da Dum
    The next line breaks it. That felt like a stumble and left the last line feeling flat. If you don't want meter, revise lines 3 and 4 so one doesn't jump out, then vanish. If you want the 'stumble' effect, great, but the last line's imagery did not seem to work with it (in my opinion).

    When you changed the first line with "All roads", change the second with "their end."

    I hope Im helping. If Im off base, I apologize.

  6. #6
    Dave O
    Guest

    Re: Another attempt at poetry (short)

    The Midnight Writer- Thanks very much. Yea I agree, I thought that line was too long as well. I'll see what I can do.

    Matt Bloom- Yea, I admit I was partly inspired by the road not taken. Now that I think about it though, street would probably be a better word to use in my poem. Road is a little more ambiguous, in that you can have a dirt road or a paved road, while street has a distinctly modern connotation, in my opinion, and that's sort of what I was going for.

    What's beyond the red sun? As a reader I'd love another stanza.
    That's one of the things I was trying to get across. We don't know what's beyond the red sun. We're all heading for the same end, but we have no idea what it really is.

    And I'd love to check out some of your work. The site has been bookmarked, and as soon as I get a chance, I'll drop by. Thanks again.

    C Hat- Thanks very much for your input. Yea, I'm a bit of a novice when it comes to meter. I'll see what I can do to smooth it out. I was trying to end it sort of abruptly but perhaps there's is a way I could flesh out the last stanza a bit more. I'll see what I can do. Thanks again.

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