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Thread: My Poem

  1. #11
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    I never said it wasn't a poem.



  2. #12
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    Despina,

    I know the most important thing is that this poem means something to him and is an expression of something he felt strongly about. He accomplished this.

    However, since he posted it on this forum and said rip it up, i assumed he was looking for consrtuctive criticism and responded accordingly.

    We responded differently to his poem's message and structure. You liked it; I saw room for improvement. I won't argue poetry with you any more than i would argue art with you.

    Peace,

    Midnight

  3. #13
    DESPINA COSTA
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    'I won't argue poetry with you any more than i would argue art with you.'


    Midnight,

    A wise choice.

    Despina

  4. #14
    Anthony Ravenscroft
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    First of all, I want to say that I'm (apparently) a NeoClassicist, which means that I get in trouble with (other) poets for defending old-fashioned, outdated, obvious stuff like rhyme & metre, though offhand I can't tell a iamb from a trochee.

    That said, what you've got here is more a song lyric than a poem.

    The first indicator is the rigid AABB rhyme scheme.

    The second indicator is ending every line with punctuation, at least on an implied level.

    The third indicator is the rhythm:

    dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH
    dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH
    dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH
    dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH dah DAH


    which bludgeons the reader by the end of the first verse. It marches -- it don't swing.

    None of that is meant as a criticism of your ability. You've managed to pack a lot into crediuble verse, & that shows skill. I hope you'll keep at it.

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