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Thread: My Poem

  1. #1
    Mark Phillips
    Guest

    My Poem

    Not really a poet, so go ahead and rip it up:

    Life:


    You think you know those that share your life
    Until you see them ****ing your wife
    Or killing a bird at a roadside stand
    Or giving an enemy a helping hand

    Your loved-ones will lie and cheat and steal
    They’ll give money to PETA and enjoy the veal
    They’ll ask for help then turn their backs
    They’ll distort any of the obvious facts

    When you’re young you think the world is fair
    But the world is a prison, the Devil’s lair
    But people are two-faced and selfish and cruel
    They’ll eat all the stake and feed you the gruel

    Life goes along, you learn, you grow
    And suddenly you’re there, you go with the flow
    You become what you hate, you lie, you plot
    Your life is a game: The have’s, the have nots

    You’re an adult, the vile, the mean
    Your life is only to steal and scheme
    Your friends are you rivals, only there in the way
    They will all abscond, abandon without delay

    But then, what’s this, a child is born
    To a world of evil, of hate and scorn
    She is precious and happy and new
    Just sitting there, enjoying the view

    And the smile that appears so perfect so small
    Renews your spirit, it answers the call
    For there she is, a person all yours
    Not interested in winning, never knowing the scores

    She cares only for fun, for life, for hope
    Now it’s your choice, raise an angel or a dope



  2. #2
    DESPINA COSTA
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    Mark, I love it!

    It's a poem about the bare truth about our world.
    You are disappointed in it but you can also be that baby - you know.
    Those little humans do not only give hope to the world, but also to us as individuals... cuz we know better now.

    Your poem is about CHOICES and FREE WILL. I love it.

    Despina Costa

  3. #3
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    She is a free spirit.

  4. #4
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    I can't say I've ever eaten a stake before...

  5. #5
    nancy drew
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    They're high fiber.

    :P

  6. #6
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    you say rip it up, but do you mean it? I could give you a very honest opinion, but i'm not sure you'd appreciate it.

  7. #7
    Mark Phillips
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    your honest opinion is fine, I have my big boy pants on, plus, as I said, I'm not really a poet so I don't know what's good and what's not.

  8. #8
    The Midnight Writer
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    This whole poem feels like you're thrusting it at me, like it's working too hard. It doesn't feel like it came from a natural place inside you, more like you sat at a desk with a thesaurus trying to rhyme and force a cadence.

    Some lines are humorous, but they get trampled by the rest of the poem. The fact that most lines start with "you" make this poem feel like an assault. The rhythm and pacing of the piece is very aggressive and I ended up paying more attention to the rollicking of the stanzas than to what you were actually saying, and when I did go back and try and see what I missed, I was distracted by the campy rhymes and rhyme scheme.

    Sorry if this is harsh, but you said to rip it up. Just trying to help, and also this is only my opinion, but there it is. It’s very hard to read.

    I’m not saying it’s beyond help, don’t get me wrong. You have something to say and I think you should express your feelings about how the world is hypocritical but maybe there’s hope in the youth if we raise them right. I just don’t feel like your poem, structured as it is, accomplishes this. It’s a rough read. But then life is a rough ride—it occurred to me that maybe you were trying to mirror this in the structure, and so I waited to post, but after reading it again a day or two later, I felt this piece still leaves something to be desired.

    The other thing that bothered me as far as content goes is that I feel like you’re trying to cram too much into the poem. It’s called life, and it lives up to its name. You’ve tried to sum life up in a handful of stanzas. Each line is cram-jammed full. This also contributed to the rough pacing and aggressive nature of the poem. This is why I felt like you were shoving it at me.

    One last thought, and I really am not trying to be mean to you, I swear—is that most of the ideas in this poem are already out there—a mantra to most adults and teenagers. “The world sucks, I’m trying to get ahead, but nothing’s good enough, my friends are fake, I feel fake, etc.” It feels like you’re just rhyming the common whine. You’re just restating things we already know. Like when you’re a kid you think things are supposed to be fair and then realize with sickening disappointment that Disney lied to you and proceed to turn into a cynical adult.

    If you could find a new way to say these things without just stating the clichés of life’s disappointments, you’d be set. I get what you’re trying to say, and I don’t think it’s unimportant, I just think you can find a more original, unique to you way to express these things. If the poem had more of your unique voice to it, it’d be a great piece. Right now all I’m hearing is generics, what I want to hear is you. Not all of it is like this, mind you, but a hefty portion. I catch little glimpses into your personality with lines like the ones about your friends supporting PETA and then eating steak…many lines do this, but they’re outnumbered.

    I hope I haven’t offended you grossly, and again, these are all just my thoughts and opinions, so take them as you will.

  9. #9
    Mark Phillips
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    Midnight,

    You haven't offended me at all. I think your take on this poem is both well explained and deeply insightful. It also shows me how much I don't know about poetry.

    As I said a couple of times (and this is not an excuse) I'm not really a poet, I write short stories and novels. I didn't really want to say this before you responded because I wanted an honest opinion, but this is actual the only poem I've ever written.

    I don't understand much about the tempo of poetry, as you pointed out, and I'm sure that is part of the reason that it is rough and rocky.

    Basically, this poem came about because I've been dealing with some things with my brother, who has just gotten married to a woman that is probably going to destroy his life.

    It would be hard to explain here, but I think this sums it up: Our cousin Jeff, who lives in California, came to be the best man at my brother's wedding. He had only been here for two days and seen my brother and his bride to be together twice and he asked me why they were getting married.

    There relationship is so flawed that he could see it in that little time.

    So based on these things happening, I felt moved to write this poem. I will say that it did come from a very emotional place, but I think my lack of polish as far as how to write poetry makes it rough.

    I really appriciate the time you took to read the poem and critque it, Midnight, it does mean a lot to me and I'll be taking a hard look at this poem with your words in mind.

    Also, although I never do this with my stories, this was a first and only draft.

    I probably won't try to get the poem published, but I will try to improve it so that it can be the best I can make it, I think I owe that to any writing I do.

    The most important thing your advice told me, Midnight, was that if I want to try to write poetry again, I'd better do a fair amount of reading poetry and studying some of the finer points, the same way that I have done with novels and short stories.

    Again, thank you for the advice and the time.

    Mark

  10. #10
    DESPINA COSTA
    Guest

    Re: My Poem

    I disagree with Midnight.

    Poetry doesn't work that way.

    This is the meaning of the word 'poem' in my OED:

    poem: piece of creative writing in verse, esp one expressing deep feelings or noble thoughts in beautiful language, written with the intention of communicating an experience.

    Doesn't need to rhyme anymore.
    Doesn't need to be pentameter.

    Write it from your gut.

    Now, Mark, did you? I think you did.

    Later,
    Despina Costa

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