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  1. #11
    Xavier Onassis

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    Gravity, he's heard that information multiple times.

    I'm wondering again, Alvin, can you please give a synopsis of the advice you've been given so far? Sort of wrap it up for me in a nutshell?


  2. #12
    Keith .

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    For some reason I like this kid, but I swear to God I'm never posting on his thread again until hears more than, blah, blah, blah,keep doing the same thing without considering the advice given, blah, blah, ...

  3. #13
    Ce Ce

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    Gravity, that was a very cool post.

    I hope somebody who really needs to pays attention.

  4. #14
    The Midnight Writer

    Re: Duo of Destiny

    Let's reduce our subject titles for a cleaner, more beautiful forum.

  5. #15
    Morten Aaroe

    Re: Duo of Destiny

    Just some advice regarding the martial arts aspects. As far as I know, no instructor will wear shoes inside a dojo. It is a no-no.

    Don't tell us the the fighters go into a stance. Describe the stance instead. Almost every martial art has a different stance. Kung fu might even have some strange name for it.

    Look at the reality of this:
    "As soon as Mr. Folly signaled for us to begin the fight, I charged toward Max. He attempted to punch me, but I easily dodged it and knocked him down with a kick."

    A kick has longer reach than a punch, and also need more space to be effective. A sweep might knock Max to the ground, but after dodging a punch you will most likely be too close to kick effectively.

    Also, I don't think many martial arts instructors will dismiss one student early because he is good. The good ones stay behind after class to train more.

    I wish I could recommend some books for you, but I can't think of any from the top of my head.

  6. #16
    alvin atwater

    Re: Duo of Destiny

    CHAPTER ONE____________________________

    I stood outside just to let the wind blow me into comfort. I loved the wind. I loved it more than video games or watching TV. I would stand outside during a storm just to feel the wind blow against me.

    “Jake,” Mom called out the kitchen window, “you better get going or you’re going to be late for your martial art class. You know Mr. Folly is a very impatient man.”

    “Alright,” I responded and then darted into the house and into the kitchen. “Mom, where did you put the car keys?”

    “On top of the fridge,” she answered. I snatched the keys and dashed out to the car.
    When I arrived at the Martial Art Learning Institution, Mr. Folly was standing by the door and talking to one of my classmates. I parked the car and walked through the doorway.
    Inside, there was a large rubber mat –large enough for the entire class to sit on– in the center of the main room. Even though most of us were sixteen-year-olds, Mr. Folly still made us sit on the mat like a bunch of children.
    I took a seat on the mat and pulled out my cell phone. Good thing class hadn’t started yet or Mr. Folly would probably take it and smash it against the wall. A text message from my best friend Lina –we’ve been best friends since we were nine– appeared on the screen. It read “Jake, I’m at the beach. Swing by whenever your class is over.”
    It was typical that Lina would be at the beach. She loved the water. Sometimes I would think that Lina was secretly a mermaid because of the way she drunk water.
    I typed a message back, letting her know I would be there and then shoved my phone back into my pocket. The rest of my classmates finally showed up and took a seat in their assigned areas. Mr. Folly walked in front of the room and stood behind his desk. He tapped the marker board –his favorite trick for getting our attention– and then glared at us. He was definitely a grumpy Chinese man who knew his martial arts. He had grey hair and a goatee, which made his appearance a little ancient. He wore an ancient Chinese robe –which he told us his ancestors wore– and some ordinary tennis shoes.

    “Class,” he spoke loudly, “I tell you story.” (He’s an immigrant) His voice became deeper. He repeated words rhythmically as though he said them many times before. He then told us an interesting story about how he ran into an old friend in which they had a Kung Fu match. “He gave me fight of lifetime. We stood in open area to make sure no one was in way. I started with first strike and strike more times, but Chester was wise. He came back with more power and knocked me to ground. But I was not done. I charge to him and dodged every blow he sent to me and then finish him with dragon kick.”
    I loved his stories. He always made sure we understood what he’d been through and despite his English we understood every word that shot out of his mouth.
    After Mr. Folly finished his story, he ordered us to line up. From behind his desk, he pulled up a silver bucket which had small blocks of wood with our names on them. He shook the bucket roughly and drew out the first name. It was mine. He waved everyone off the mat and drew out another name. This time, it had the name of my classmate, Max.
    Max sucked in martial arts, which created a question in my head: why was he here?

    “You two fight,” Mr. Folly said. “Use any martial art your choice.”
    I took my usual stance. Max looked like he didn’t have a clue where he was at, but finally –after Mr. Folly glared at him –he took on a weak stance. I studied him. I knew I could attack him from all directions. Pathetic ole Max left himself open precisely everywhere. As soon as Mr. Folly signaled for us to begin the fight, I charged toward Max. He attempted to punch me, but I easily dodged it and knocked him down with a kick. Mr. Folly quickly signaled for the fight to pause and snatched Max up his collar.
    “You disappoint me,” he growled, “the one day I let you wear no robes, you still no good. GO RUN LAPS! FIFTY.”

    Max spent most of his time running laps instead of fighting, so he was use to the scolding. Mr. Folly turned his attention to me and said, “Good work, you may leave.”

    Mr. Folly allowed me to leave early a lot. I was the best in the class; whether I’m fighting against efficient opponents or Max, I always come out on top.

    I started out the door and towards my car. When I reached my car door I happened to glanced back at the building and immediately spotted something on top of the roof. There was a man with long dreads and wearing a white cloak, standing proudly and looking dead at me. I looked at my car with a thought of quickly leaving and turned back around. No one was there.

  7. #17
    rock anderson

    Re: Duo of Destiny

    i don't think you should post Duo of Destiny again, everyone is starting THAT again, lol,
    I've read your Slp w death posts, with some work, it should be corrected.
    But i'm sure, your working on a rewrite right now.

  8. #18
    Xavier Onassis

    Re: Duo of Destiny

    Alvin, everybody knows you and Rock are the same person. Please. It's embarassing.


  9. #19
    alvin atwater

    Re: Duo of Destiny

    actually were not,
    his name is actually Jeffery, and we just go to the same school

  10. #20
    Xavier Onassis

    Re: Duo of Destiny

    Oy vey.


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