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  1. #1
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better


    Duo of destiny book one: wind and water makers born




    CHAPTER ONE____________________________

    I stood outside on a windy day just to let the wind blow me into comfort. I loved the wind. I loved it more than video games or watching TV. I would stand outside during a windy storm just to feel the wind push against me.

    “Jake,” Mom’s voice chanted, “you better get going or you’re going to be late for your martial art class. You know Mr. Folly is a very impatient man.”

    “Alright,” I responded and then darted into the house –leaving behind the wind– and in the kitchen. “Mom, where did you put the car keys?”



    “On top of the fridge,” she answered. I snatched the keys and dashed into the car.
    When I arrived at the building, Mr. Folly was by the door talking to one of my classmates. I parked the car and walked through the door.
    Inside, there was a large rubber mat –large enough for the entire class to sit on– in the center of the main room. Even though most of us are sixteen-year-olds, Mr. Folly still makes us sit on the mat like a bunch of children. In the frontal area of the main room were a large marker board and a desk in which Mr. Folly only uses.
    I took a seat on the mat and pulled out my cell phone. Good thing class hadn’t started yet or Mr. Folly would probably take it and smash it against the wall. A text message from my best friend Lina –we’ve been best friends since we were nine– appeared on the screen. It read: Jake, I’m at the beach. Swing by whenever your class is over.
    It was typical that Lina would be at the beach. She loves water. She loves water so much that she never even had the swallow of soda before –now that’s healthy!
    I typed a message back, letting her know I’ll be there and then shoved my phone back into my pocket. The rest of my classmates finally showed up and took a seat on the mat. Mr. Folly stood walked in front of the room by the marker board and then glared at us. He was definitely a grumpy Chinese man who knew his martial arts. He had grey hair and a goatee, which made his appearance a little ancient. He wore an ancient Chinese robe –which he told us his ancestors wore– and some ordinary tennis shoes.

    “CLASS,” he spoke loudly, “I tell you story.” (He’s an immigrant) His voice became deeper. He repeated words rhythmically as though he said them many times before. He tells us an interesting story about how he ran into an old friend in which they had a Kung Fu match. I loved his stories. He always made sure we understood what he’s been through and despite his English –which I thought was okay– we understood every word that shot out of his mouth.
    After Mr. Folly finished his story, he ordered us to line up. From behind his desk, he pulled up a silver bucket which had small blocks of wood with our names on them. He shook the bucket roughly and drew out the first name. It was mine. He waved everyone off the mat and drew out another name. This time, it had the name of my classmate, Max.
    Max sucked in martial arts, which create a question in my head; why is he here?

    “You two fight,” Mr. Folly said. “Use any martial art your choice.”
    I took a stance, which I just call my martial artic fighting stance. Max looked like he didn’t have a clue where he was at, but finally –after Mr. Folly glared at him –he took on a weak stance. I studied him. I knew I could attack him from all directions. Pathetic ole Max left himself open precisely everywhere. As soon as Mr. Folly signaled for us to begin the fight, I charged toward Max. He attempted to punch me, but I easily dodged it and knocked him down with a kick. Mr. Folly quickly signaled for the fight to pause and snatched Max up his collar.
    “You disappoint me,” he growled, “the one day I let you where no robes, you still no good. GO RUN LAPS! FIFTY.” Max spent most of his time running laps instead of fighting, so he was use to the scolding. Mr. Folly turned his attention to me and said,
    “Good work, you may leave.” Mr. Folly allowed me to leave early a lot. I was the best in the class; whether I’m fighting against efficient opponents or Max, I always come out on top.
    I started out the door and towards my car. When I reached my car door I happened to glanced back at the building and immediately spotted something on top of the roof. There was someone wearing a white cloak, standing proudly and looking dead at me. I couldn’t see person because he was a bit too far. I looked at my car with a thought of quickly leaving and turned back around. Nothing was there



  2. #2
    Ce Ce
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    It's better according to who?

  3. #3
    Arden Wolfe
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    I'll give Alvin this much - he is more professional and driven than some of our newest posters.

    Keep at it, but I recommend some books on writing. You continue to make some classic mistakes.

    Wolfe

  4. #4
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    So it looks like there have been some changes at WN.

    That is a long topic heading -- one that even wraps around to a second line! Wasn't there a time when 3/4 of those words would have been scarfed down by the topic gobbler?

    *_*

  5. #5
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    I swore I'd never say this to you again, Alvin, but damned if I don't respect perseverance. This is just my opinion but please listen carefully.

    Get away from the keyboard. Really. Get a library card and check out a classic book from your genre. Read. All day. Read instead of writing. Read in the bathroom. Read in bed. When you finish this book, swap it for another. You have a good imagination but your writing is ...lacking. The classic definition of stupidity is to repeat a failed action, expecting different results.

    Stop writing and read. Read ten good novels without writing a word. If you do this you'll be amazed when you revisit your manuscript. Do this and then think about some writing classes. Nuts and bolts stuff. Writing a prologue is one thing, constructing a novel is an entirely different animal. Put your perseverance to good use and stop trying to write a novel too soon. Again, just my opinion. Luck.
    km

  6. #6
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    It's better according to who?

    Nine out of 10 (psychotic) dentists surveyed!

    XO

  7. #7
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    i know i know, i screwed up in most places. i'm in the process of correcting it, bvut at least it makes more sense than the last verions of duo of destiny.
    comments somewhat appriacteted

  8. #8
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    your wellcombe.

  9. #9
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    i know i know, i screwed up in most places. i'm in the process of correcting it, bvut at least it makes more sense than the last verions of duo of destiny.
    comments somewhat appriacteted


    Alvin

    Do you think our comments and lack of specific critiques are based on spelling errors? Just curious. I'm wondering what you've heard in the many comments you've received here.

    XO

  10. #10
    Gravity Fades
    Guest

    Re: A new (also super improved) and different storyline of duo of destiny; genre:fantasy :according to most people, it's much better

    Here is an incontrovertible fact, Alvin.

    You've got the Burn. And you know it.

    The Burn to get it out. The Burn to get it on paper. The Burn to be validated. The Burn to be a by-God writer.

    Everyone here knows what that Burn feels like. And nobody, but nobody, feels the burn like a fourteen-year-old aspiring scribe. I admire your spunk, your tenacity, your grit to keep throwing yourself wide to harsh commentary. That will stand you in good stead throughout your entire life.

    HOWEVER.

    It's time to listen to your betters, son. As was stated, you need to walk away from the keyboard, grab some books, and start reading. And as you do, read widely. Read deeply. Read with abandon, and like a man afire.

    And when the time comes you again sit at your keyboard, ideas fluttering in your brainpan like moths with blazing wings, you'll find the fire hotter. Stronger. And more refined.

    Just some thoughts from an old guy. Pax.

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