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  1. #1
    alvin atwater

    Chapter two of Sleeping with Death bk1, critique as pleased

    I have also created an improved version of chapter one, i'll post it as a 'reply' if someone wants to view it.

    CHAPTER TWO____________________________

    GLOOMYNESS is what mom and I felt for nearly two weeks. On that day, mom and a police officer arrived through the driveway simultaneously. When I heard mom cry aloud –there was no mistaking that dad’s time was up. During the week and a half, mom had nearly fallen into a state of depression. She would often tell me that if she was to lose me also, then she would commit suicide. Listening to that was scarey…. The house felt empty ever since dad was killed in the drunken driving accident. (The police told us what kind of accident happened) no more humor, no more excitement, no more fun –dad was the heart of the house.
    During the day, which was nice and sunny, Justin would often try to cheer me up, but nerd humor didn’t interest me. Dad was the only fish that swam in my river.
    As more days passed, I finally felt well enough to return to reality. Even though I had to sleep with dad’s death on my mind, I knew I couldn’t sob about it all the time. I stepped outside on a cool Wednesday morning and stretched. The day ahead looked promising for me. Since I had the rest of the summer to look forward to, I wouldn’t have to worry about the sickness of school making my life miserable. Mom was finally back at work –which was being a nurse– and I had the house to myself. I started down Maple Street (I live on this street) and towards the mall. I was going to meet up with all of my friends there.
    When I arrived, all four of them were in a group having common conversation and waiting for me. Justin, the smartest of the group, Lisa; the girl of the group, Steven; the most athletic and Jessie, the toughest of our group –these were my friends.

    “Took you long enough,” Jessie snorted as I approached the group. “Is the baby done crying?” I gave him an ice-cold look.

    “Cut the crap Jessie,” Lisa barked, “his dad meant a lot to him.”

    “That doesn’t mean he has to go on crying all the time.” I lost my cool and dashed towards Jessie however, Steven quickly grabbed me.

    “Chill, chill,” he said quietly. “The last thing you want to do is fight with Jessie.”

    “Cool Calvin,” Jessie growled, “I was only kidding. But if you ever jump towards me like that again…” he paused and snapped his fingers. “I won’t be hesitant to kick your ass –friend or no friend.”

    “Whatever,” I muttered bravely.

    “Enough of this fighting,” Justin outburst, “I thought we were here to hang out –not kill each other,” Just before anyone had the chance to respond, a huge cluster of gunshots followed by screaming emerged.
    The crowd went crazy –people were running for their lives, screaming and panicking at the top of their lungs.

    “Wha… what’s going on?” I said, trying my hardest to remain calm.

    “Let’s get out of here!” Jessie screamed, revealing that he wasn’t tough all the time. Lisa was knocked onto the ground by a chubby man who was panicking and trying to find and exit.

    “Hey watch it,” I growled at him as I gave Lisa a helping hand.

    “Thanks,” she said.

    “We gotta find an exit,” Justin said, “but where?” More gunshots erupted through the air causing us and a few other people to jump to the ground as if we were just hit. I scoped the around the area in attempt to find a way out when suddenly; I spotted a familiar figure, holing a pole, walking toward the gunshot area, unnoticed. It was a shadowy figure this time –I could see its features. It appeared to be a brown haired-man, about six feet tall, looked to be the age of forty, hard face, and determination in his dark eyes. He was wearing a dark blue cloak and walking slightly fast. He was up to something!

  2. #2
    Sagan Smith

    Re: Chapter two of Sleeping with Death bk1, critique as pleased

    I really love the idea behind this novel.

    I think it could use a lot of work, there's some spelling errors (i'd put gloominess rather than gloomyness, scary rather than scarey) and some awkward sentences, but you've got imagination!

    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

  3. #3
    Ann Crispin

    Re: Chapter two of Sleeping with Death bk1, critique as pleased

    The narrative portion isn't bad, but this totally falls apart once the action sequence starts.

    In the first place, there was no setting established, so it was impossible to visualize the location where the action was taking place. And the character's way of describing the action was stilted and clumsy. It didn't feel at all real. The pacing dragged.

    -Ann C. Crispin

  4. #4
    alvin atwater

    Re: Chapter two of Sleeping with Death bk1, critique as pleased

    "how old are you" by Sagin
    I'm seventeen years old -junior

    In this chapter, oh yes, there was so much confusion of my sentences, but i'll have them corrected as soon as possible. Ann- my chapter WAS defintely clumsy, i even found that when i read over it.

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