HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 6 of 6 FirstFirst ... 4 5 6
Results 51 to 59 of 59
  1. #51
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    How's that for illustrating a point...
    what's that supposed to mean...

    Alvin, you're fortunate in that you've found something you like to do at such a young age. If you keep at it you'll only get better. As has been said, be sure to read a lot. You aren't ready to be critiqued, so there's no point in reposting your edited versions. I wish you well, but you're a few years away. I commend your ability at starting a fracas; if you can do that with your writing on a world's scale in a few years, then you'll be one of the greats, but you're a long way off.



  2. #52
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    How's that for illustrating a point...
    what's that supposed to mean...

    that's what i meant,

  3. #53
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    A school chum, perhaps?

    -SA


    Riiiiight. What's the old saying about entering a battle of wits unarmed?
    km


    Call me kooky, Alvin, but what if you took this seriously? What if you considered constructive criticism and accepted the fact that we all need help from time to time?

    You'd be surprised how many people remember being 17 and some of the goofy-ass things we did. I have a feeling a lot of people would be willing to spend some time with you plus point you toward quality reference materials. If you're serious about writing then take advantage of your opportunities. People here could recommend classes, conferences and other help you haven't thought of. Or you could spend your time playing on the internet, wasting your time and possibly wasting your hidden talent. It's your call.
    km

  4. #54
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    Alvin,
    This is the last time. Since you are so determined to get a critique, I will give you one.

    It was a warm and partially sunny November.[A warm and partially sunny November what? Day? Afternoon? Morning? Night? Why do we need to know it is partially sunny? How does this set the scene or add to the action?]

    I was in the backyard practicing my martial arts. [So what? At this point in the story, I could care less about this. What you are trying to do here is INTRODUCE your character. You need to do this in a way that invites your reader to become invested in him. So far this reads like a blog entry on My Space]

    I did a few punches and kicks in the air then dropped to the ground and started some pushups.[Yawn. This is all telling. You should be painting a scene here. You aren't.]

    I did as many I my arms could take before I got worn out and fell to the ground like a fly.[Again, why is this important? You still haven't started the story.]

    After finally pulling myself together,[Distancing phrase. Why does he pull himself together? Why is he practicing in the first place? Why is any of this important?]

    I jumped back to my feet and aimed my hands at a stack of wood that rested by an oak tree. [Oh my. He recovers rather quickly, doesn't he? He just exercised himself into a state of exhaustion. Part of your job as a writer is to establish trust with the reader. Plausibility, even in fantasy (or perhaps especially in fantasy, is of paramount importance.]

    I concentrated my mind and body by closing my eyes and taking a nice, deep breath.[Really. That's all it takes to concentrate his mind and his body? What does it mean to concentrate a body? You haven't established this scene or this character yet. Now you want to introduce a mystical element and you expect your reader to trust it? Not happening.]

    I then yelled,
    “Flash blast!”[Are you trying to write an Anime cartoon styled story? Or something inspired from playing video games? Both can be great sources of inspiration, but the written format requires a different sort of picture painting. This is one of the reasons we keep telling you to READ BOOKS]

    A white burst of energy eluded[Look this word up in the dictionary. It doesn't mean what you think it means. Proper word choice is critical for a writer. And again, the best way to increase your vocabulary is to READ.]from my hands, hit the stack of wood and burst it to pieces.

    That was an attack I’d like to call my flash blast attack![Give your reader some credit. You need to learn how to convey information like this without TELLING it.]

    I discovered this ability when I was nine years old –so it happened so sudden[Wrong usage]!

    I was just[Fluff word – doesn’t contribute to the expression of this idea.] in the living room watching a cartoon called the “Flash Blasters” when suddenly I had the urge to imitate it; so I dashed outside, aimed my hands towards my tree house, and shouted flash blast.

    It scared the heck out of me at first, but as days passed, I have come to just live with it.[come to just live with it. This doesn’t even make sense.]

    That day discovering the “flash blast” almost knock[Tense usage] me unconscious.[This entire flashback is a huge info dump. Out of place. Find a way to reveal this information in your story.]

    You STILL haven't started your story. Scrap it. All of it. You have backstory and a minute amount of character sketching but no story.

    Go figure out what I mean. Only then will you be ready to try again.

    Good luck,
    SA

  5. #55
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    Jesus, that's the first time I've actually read this. Leaving now-
    km

  6. #56
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    FYI, 150.176.167.--- belongs to the Florida Information Resource Network. Rock Anderson may well be Alvin's sock puppet, but could just as easily be from somewhere else in the state.

    Alvin, I see two possibilities here: first, you're still at the stage where you think you know everything and won't listen to advice. In that case, there's no reason for us wasting our time trying to help, because you won't accept help. However, it does leave hanging the question of why you're still here now that it's painfully obvious that we don't think your story is as wonderful as you (understandably) do. Second, you may seriously understand that your writing needs work, but don't know how to improve it. In that case, if you're still in school, see if you can take a course in creative writing. If you're out of school, see if you can take one at a community college. It can't hurt, and it might be easier to take constructive criticism in a classroom environment.

  7. #57
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    How's that for illustrating a point...

    EXACTLY. He doesn't give a flying rat's (or chasing rat's) tail what we say.

    XO

  8. #58
    Joshie !
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    Keith no attitude intended toward you. Sorry it must have come out wrong. No worries mate.

    Apologies
    Joshie

  9. #59
    Arden Wolfe
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    So it seems, Xavier. Moving along then.

    Wolfe

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts