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  1. #1
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    CHAPTER ONE____________________________

    It was a warm November and usually sunny each day. I was outside practicing my martial arts and about to go pick up Lina so that we could go to the tournament. Who am I you ask? I'm Jake Kanime and I'm a blond-haired 16 year old who has been born with odd green eyes and special powers. I discovered these powers when I was nine. My power is an energy blast technique I named the flash blast. It's still a mystery to me on how I came to get these powers, but who cares, at least I have them. I quickly scrambled back into the house and snatched the car keys off of the counter. When I tried to crank the car, I got a crappy sound like this: rhumk! rhumk! clumpk! I couldn't believe it. A brand new car like this, just bought two days ago, already coughing up a storm. I cursed to myself and then dashed into the house to look for some tools. When I arrived back outside, the car was working.

    "There's no need for tools Jake," a voice said. Then out of the car, came my mom.

    "Mom, how did you fix it?" I asked out of curiosity.

    "Don't worry about that" she answered, "just go to that tournament before you are late."

    Mom, she's a beautiful woman. She had brown hair and the shape of a super model. But the only weird factor on her is the odd green colored eyes she has just like me. I jumped into the car and drove toward Lina's house. After picking her up, we started towards the tournament. I was very excited that I get to fight in it. It was my chance to show the audience that a sixteen-year-old can kick some butt! Lina didn't like the idea of me going to this tournament.
    She’s been paying too much attention to those dumb rumors that be going around about the place. Lina of course is my best friend. She really hot –I mean she has nice and soft brown hair and keeps in good shape from being the star of both tennis and volleyball teams. But in addition to her good features, she has one extra; and that’s the odd green color of her eyes.
    To tell you the truth, the tournament is actually illegal because it allows weapons. The name of it: Dark Pirate Fighting Tournament.
    Rumors say that the building used to be a slaughter house (for humans that is…) until it was rebuilt hundreds of years ago into what’s now the tournament building.

    “Jake” Lina said softly pulling her hair back, “I have to explain something to you.”
    Please don’t be any more nagging; I’m actually tired of it.

    “What is it?” I asked in a fake understanding voice.

    “Well I had this really weird dream last night. Your mom and I were sitting on a raft of that sailed an endless river. But there was something strange in her appearance. She had beautiful white hair and sparkling red eyes. She told me to be on the look out for some guy named Kiagra. He’s supposed to be the one where our destinies will cross.”

    Destinies will cross… hmmm… I wonder what that’s supposed to mean. I looked at Lina as if she was insane. This is actually the first time she has ever come to me with this kind of news, so it’s really best to let her down easy. After all, she is my best friend.

    “Lina, it’s just a dream” I told her, “it’s not real.”

    “Bu –

    “Don’t worry about that anymore” I interrupted her, “once I win the tournament, the prize money will have our lives upgraded.”

    “What’s the prize money anyway?” she asked out of curiosity.

    “It’s five hundred thousand dollars in cash!” I replied in small excitement.

    “You know, you have a lot of confidence for someone who has never fought in an illegal tournament.”

    “What are you saying?” I challenged.

    “You may lose your match, you idiot” she continued, “according to what I heard about the tournament; ex-murderers, thieves, bodybuilders –whatever you can think of attend that tournament.”

    “Oh quit nagging!” I snapped, “I’ll be fine.”

    “Fine?” she argued, “you could be chopped or hammered to death and all you could think about is a victory that will never come. Sure you’re good in martial arts and whatever, but there are people in that tournament that fights to kill!”

    I laughed.

    “You forgot one important detail Lina” I told her.

    “What detail” she sighed.

    “My flash blast attack” I reminded.

    Lina was thrown into silence. I could tell she completely forgot about the attack move I discovered when I was nine. Good to prove her wrong huh? I really enjoy proving her wrong. It gives me that nice and tickly feeling inside whenever I watch her fall into silence. Well not really.
    Anyway, after a half hour of driving through woods and curves, we finally approached a giant football stadium like building. I stepped out of the car and let the warm winds blow through my nostrils. There was a large line –actually five long lines of people. Each of them buying a ticket for the tournament. It’s worth it if you asked me. Buying a ticket to come watch me win is really priceless.
    I quickly took out my fighter’s card which was a green and white striped card with some information and my name signed below.

    “What’s that’s?” Lina asked.

    “It’s my fighter’s card” I replied, “without this; I can’t get into the locker room nor get you to the front of the line.”
    Lina frowned and I grinned, and then led her to the front of the line. I showed the ticket manager my card and he nodded his head in approval and allowed us inside.
    The inside of the building looked amazing! It was like an indoor town. There was a ring in the center of the seating for the main attraction. On the left area, there was a huge food court area with over thirty restaurants! On the right was a giant arcade. I wanted walk over there now, but I knew what I came here for.
    Lina wished me good luck and started towards a seat. From that point, I immediately took off into the locker room showing the guard my card.
    In the locker room, there were many fierce-looking fighters. I was too excited. The only thing that circulated my brain was: kick some butt! Kick some butt!
    I listened to the referee call the names of the first round fighters and then took a seat on a nearby bench. As I waited for my name to be called, a mysterious looking fighter took a seat by me

    “What’s your name kid?” he asked sounding like a calm gang leader.
    He had long dreadlocks on his head that dangled down past his neck like Christmas ornaments off a Christmas tree. He was a bit taller than me; I’d say about six foot one or two since I’m six. He looked like a celebrity; you know with the muscles and stuff that reels in ladies like a magnet. Kinda like me.
    But there was one thing I didn’t notice and that was the odd green eye color!

    “It’s Jake” I answered, “and who are you supposed to be?”
    The man grinned.

    “You’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered then started back to his corner of the locker room.



  2. #2
    Carmel C
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    ALVIN - YOU knucklehead. It's worse than ever.
    Now I'm sorry to be harsh but as a mother of eight, I'm going to yell at you like one of my kids when they don't listen!

    GO READ - GO STUDY - STOP WRITING TILL YOU DO.

    My advice to any who are thinking of critiquing this is to please go back and read other threads Alvin has posted of this chapter. He refuses to learn. By engaging him in conversation about his work you are enabling him to continue his self-destructive behavior. FOR HIS SAKE DON"T.

    Sorry, I yelled.

  3. #3
    Danyelle --
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    I would not say "STOP WRITING". If you've the need to write, you write. It also gives you practice.

  4. #4
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    It's perfect. Next!

  5. #5
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    "ALVIN - YOU knucklehead. It's worse than ever.
    Now I'm sorry to be harsh but as a mother of eight, I'm going to yell at you like one of my kids when they don't listen!

    GO READ - GO STUDY - STOP WRITING TILL YOU DO.

    My advice to any who are thinking of critiquing this is to please go back and read other threads Alvin has posted of this chapter. He refuses to learn. By engaging him in conversation about his work you are enabling him to continue his self-destructive behavior. FOR HIS SAKE DON"T.

    Sorry, I yelled."

    Jesus! calm down, it's just an uncompleted story. It's not like i can't fix it or something,lol.

    Yes chapter one is DEFINETELY rusty, but i'll fix it.

  6. #6
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    Alvin,
    You would do well to listen to Carmel.

    Here is the honest, unvarnished truth:

    Your writing is not good enough for us to critique.

    We have tried to say this gently. We have tried to point you in the proper direction.

    We have even tried to encourage you.

    Your writing is more than "rusty". It is underdeveloped, both in mechanics and idea.

    You may have a fun story to tell. Until you decide to learn to write, no one will ever read it.

    -SA

  7. #7
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    Your profile says you're published, Alvin. Where?

  8. #8
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue


    "Your profile says you're published, Alvin. Where?"


    I'm not published... i've got to change that

  9. #9
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    Alvin,
    You would do well to listen to Carmel.

    Here is the honest, unvarnished truth:

    Your writing is not good enough for us to critique.

    We have tried to say this gently. We have tried to point you in the proper direction.

    We have even tried to encourage you.

    Your writing is more than "rusty". It is underdeveloped, both in mechanics and idea.

    You may have a fun story to tell. Until you decide to learn to write, no one "

    Ooh who cares what YOU think.
    but you are right though, my writing is terrible. I will get correct, I still have a long ways in my life(age of 17)

  10. #10
    Danyelle --
    Guest

    Re: Duo of destiny chapter 1-story being continued from prologue

    Alvin,

    I think you many be missing the point. We're not saying to stop writing. What we're saying is to stop posting until you learn the basic mechanics of writing.

    Have you noticed that you haven't gotten one critique on this thread, and that many of your threads end with you defending your writing rather than learning and doing better?

    I admire your thick skin and persistence, but when you keep posting things like this, and seem to fail to learn what we're trying to teach you, we're all wasting our time.

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