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  1. #1
    Steven Labri
    Guest

    Short paragraph critique please

    This is an excerpt from a short story. The back-story is, high school where a shy boy meets girl, and falls in love with her the first time he meets her. In conversations, he discovered she is not interested in dating anyone, but he is determined to marry her. He asked her out a few times, each time rejected. After some time (and patience), she accepts his offer for a date. I am interested in knowing if this paragraph flows, paces, and reads correctly, etc.

    Thanks.


    It was a year of cautious companionship, still just friends as I waited impatiently, wanting to press my lips against hers. The passion burned inside my heart knowing that one day we would be together. Like the bud of the rose blossoming into a flower so did our friendship, so did love. We held hands and we watched movies, we shared our popcorn and soon, we kissed.



  2. #2
    Finnley Wren
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    Like most everything you write, Steven, I like it. As always, alliteration concerns me, but I think perhaps "cautious companionship" might work. I might go more Hemingway-esque:

    It was a year of cautious companionship, still just friends. I waited impatiently . . .

    I'd put a comma between: . . . rose blossoming into a flower, so did out friendship.

    Might be a little too much "we" in the last sentence. I'd keep perhaps only the first and last. I particularly like the image of "the bud of the rose blossoming into a flower" for some reason.

  3. #3
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    Maybe you could use "precious" instead of "cautious" companionship.

    Not a real big deal, but I agree with Finn re alliterations, etc. especially in writings reflecting a budding romance.

    Like the buds of a rose, our friendship had blossomed into love. ??? Blah, I like yours better; just divvy up the sentence by inserting the comma.

    We held each other's hands, watched movies, and shared popcorn together. Soon, we kissed.

  4. #4
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    I'm not liking the cautious companionship, not because of alliteration, but because it doesn't make sense from both of their perspectives. He doesn't want to be cautious at all - he wants to dive in and have her. ?? Maybe uncertain companionship or something similar. ??

    Like the bud of the rose blossoming into a flower

    A rose is a flower - don't need to say it blossoms into one. It just blossoms and instead of THE rose, it should be a rose.

    So maybe: Like the bud of a rose blossoming, so did our friendship...

    I guess too I'm wondering how he's so CERTAIN they'd be together? Maybe hoping to be together or longing for us to be together or something similar?

    Agree with too many we's at the end.

    Just a few of my thoughts...

    Bea

  5. #5
    Steven Labri
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    Thank you. Excellent suggestions. The alliteration is on purpose. I could use adept, discreet, discerning I suppose. Here's a mulligan with subtle changes.


    It was a year of cautious companionship, still just friends. I waited impatiently wanting to press my lips against hers. The passion burned inside my heart knowing that one day we would be together. Like the bud of the rose blossoming into a flower, so did our friendship, so did love. We held hands as we walked, watched movies, and shared popcorn. We kissed.

  6. #6
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    The only part about it that I didn't like was the passion burning inside my heart. That seems a bit cliche. But very nice piece. Didn't you post the full version of this a while back?

    XO

  7. #7
    Steven Labri
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    Thanks Bea.

    "I guess too I'm wondering how he's so CERTAIN they'd be together?"

    To answer your question. The story is fiction, however it is partly based on truth (as with much fiction). I met my wife, the first time, when we were about fifteen years old. At the end of junior high, during the summer break of '69, we didn't see each other. During this time (somehow) she turned into a beautiful woman. The "first time" I saw her was on a bus bench after the first day of senior high school. I was with my buddy and neither of us recognized her. Later I told my buddy, I'm going to marry her. He thought I was insane. It took me two years just to get her to date me. That was nearly forty year ago.

  8. #8
    Steven Labri
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    XO -- Good memory. I posted the story a while back, but it has changed a bit. I understand your cliche reference however I haven't come up with something else. Of course, now that I have been challenged :-) I will see what I can do.

  9. #9
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    What a great story. My dad said the same thing about my mom when he first met her. 45 years later, still going!

    These things do happen...

    Here's a thought:

    Instead of THE passion, how about just passion.

    Passion blazed inside of me, forging desire into the certainty that one day we'd be together.

    I don't know. It makes it seem like you're not just certain for a spooky reason but because what's inside of you will make you do whatever it takes to get to the goal.

    Just a thought.

    Good writing, Steve.

    Bea

  10. #10
    Arden Wolfe
    Guest

    Re: Short paragraph critique please

    Hmmm.

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