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  1. #21
    Josh Fowler
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    And im giving only a crit of the very first few lines. Because it kind of upset me so much that I just couldn't read any more.

    Jake Kanime awoke from his comfortable slumber excited and full of energy. He couldn’t wait to go to the park and shoot some hoops for his first day of summer. School was now out and the fun was now moving in.

    Lets break this down a bit.

    Jake Kanime awoke from his comfortable slumber excited and full of energy

    -What is a comfortable slumber. And on second thought this needs definate rewording.

    Jake Kanime jumped out of bed exited and full of energy.

    Simple as that. You don't really need to say comfortable slumber. It's implied that hes in bed so hes probably sleeping. Or you could just say:

    Jake Kanime woke up exited and full of energy.

    He couldn’t wait to go to the park and shoot some hoops for his first day of summer.

    -Was he actually shooting hoops for the summer or was he doing it on the first day of summer?

    School was now out and the fun was now moving in.

    the words now are not nessasary at all. and this sentence is very confusing. Try rewording it.

    With this many simple errors in the first few lines, how can you expect someone to take this work seriously? Make this work as good as you can possible make it before posting it here. Take some time to revise your posts as well. There are several errors in them that can be easily corrected. Writing is definately not a subject that you can be lazy in.



  2. #22
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    "Another thing that will take time, is learning to accept criticism"

    Criticism only makes me to want to work harder on my story not defend it.


    "Jake Kanime awoke from his comfortable slumber excited and full of energy. He couldn’t wait to go to the park and shoot some hoops for his first day of summer. School was now out and the fun was now moving in."

    the story you see on this post is old. I've already reworded alot of things days ago. (in other words it's not an update)

    And about what Xavier said, i DID forget to thank anyone, but unfortunately for me, I don't have that kind of time, for me it's hurry up and type what you have to type and leave.

    But for all that gave advice to me and thought i didn't listen, Thanks.....

  3. #23
    Josh Fowler
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    Wow you seem so ungreatful ans still defent yourself to the utmost. I am also done with this thread.

    gday
    -JF-

  4. #24
    Danyelle --
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    Two bits of free advice:

    1) We aren't mind readers. How are we supposed to know what you've fixed and what you haven't if you don't post it?

    2)You don't have time to say thanks? You sure spent a lot of time defending yourself against suggestions. From what you wrote, it seems you've missed this. Go back and read your responses to our comments. People are a lot more willing to help if, but nevermind.

    Good luck.

  5. #25
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    )(question)" We aren't mind readers. How are we supposed to know what you've fixed and what you haven't if you don't post it"

    (anwser) The date of the post

    "You don't have time to say thanks? You sure spent a lot of time defending yourself against suggestions. From what you wrote, it seems you've missed this. Go back and read your responses to our comments. People are a lot more willing to help if, but nevermind"

    In otherswords, i don't own a computer. Forget it, nevermind.

    My last words of this thread: I'm also done with this thread

  6. #26
    Josh Fowler
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    LOL some people are just so childish and it shows. Let me guess he is 13 or 14. If my kid acted like this I would beat him.

    "Learning takes great humility."

    "In order to learn everything, you must at first admit that you know nothing"

    Two comments that will do you a great deal of good. Maybe not now but 5 or 6 years down the road.

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