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  1. #1
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    OVer the past days i've known my writng to be alittle off the top but that's what an early writer do; so i took someone's advice from off another forum made ALOT of changes, and then took the advice someone off this forum gave me: READ then i was able to remake duo destiny. For the ones who read my previous post a while back, if you don't mind, could you rate me on my improvement?(1-10)


    Duo of destiny book 1: (battle against evil upon earth) (REMAKE)


    (Prologue-)

    Jake Kanime awoke from his comfortable slumber excited and full of energy. He couldn’t wait to go to the park and shoot some hoops for his first day of summer. School was now out and the fun was now moving in.

    Jake slouched into the bathroom, shaking off the left over drowsiness that still dwelled in him. He glanced into the mirror and stared at his features.

    He had blond hair and a pair of odd green colored eyes. He always wondered why his eye color took on the odd green; but when he asked his Ms. Kanime, his mom; she would give him the same response; you’re too young to understand about these things, maybe I’ll tell you when you’re older. “Jake, breakfast is ready!” his mom’s voice called causing him to snap out of his daydream about the color of his eyes.


    “Be right down” answered Jake as he grabbed his shiny red toothbrush. On the long brown table, there were Jake’s favorite breakfast foods; a large stack of blueberry pancakes and a neatly peeled orange. “Thanks mom” Jake said as he stabbed into the pancakes with his silver fork.

    “Anything for my favorite little man” praised Mrs. Kanime as she tossed the hot greasy pan into the sink. Mrs. Kanime had nice and soft brown hair, the shape of a super model and of course those odd green eyes.

    She was always known as a mysterious woman who was hardly ever seen. She spends most of her day reading mysterious red books and waiting for her husband to get home. Jessica is her first name and David is Mr. Kanime’s first name. But what most people wonder about it why Jake’s eyes color doesn’t take on the mixture of David’s blue and Jessica’s weird green.


    Jake quickly scoffed down the delicious savory goodness of the blueberry pancakes and then hurried into the living room to watch his favorite cartoon, the “flash blasters.” Meanwhile Jake was tuned into his show, Jessica observed the kitchen.

    It was a huge and nearly endless space with a few unused brooms and mops sitting in the corner gathering dust. There was a large stack of dirty dishes such as plates with spaghetti sauce or cups with left over soda in them, all resting in the belly of the sink.


    “Looks like I’m going to have to do something about this mess” Jessica thought to herself. She then held out her right hand towards a corner of the kitchen. All of sudden, a light blue aura began to flow around it. She then looked at the huge pile of dirty dishes and whispered, “Dishes become clean.” Suddenly every pan, every cup, and every plate that slept in the sink became spotless.

    They glowed like mirrors allowing you to see the reflection of a beautiful row of red roses which danced through the gardens of the bright window. But mysterious Jessica wasn’t done yet. She aimed her aura-dancing hand toward the center of the kitchen and aimed at the dirt-tracked floor.
    “Floors become mopped and let this entire kitchen become spotless.” The floors as well as the kitchen suddenly filled with gleam of the dancing rays which slumbered as a scene of sparkle and cleanliness.


    The “flash blasters” cartoon finally ended. Jake walked into the kitchen, on his way to his room and suddenly came to a pause. “Whoa!” he thought, “how does mom clean this kitchen so fast and spotless. There’s just no way!” He then let his thoughts melt in the back of his head and scurried into his room to put on his favorite pair of sneakers.

    He then stood up and imitated a kick move from his favorite super hero, Captain Flash, of the “flash blasters,” then hurried in the backyard to play. The weather outside was nice and sunny. The birds were chirping and the butterflies were racing. Carefree breezes would blow occasionally and which give that nice and tickly feeling which would fill your body and cause you to relax.

    After jumping on his large trampoline that his mom mysteriously got for free, Jake decided he wanted to practice some of his martial arts in which he learned from his class he took during the school year. His mom had signed him up for the class for him to learn the art of self-defense, knowing that for some weird reason, he could beat the pulp out of his classmates anyway if they were to bother him.

    Jake’s martial arts varied from Kong Fu all the way down to just basic karate. He took on a meditation stance in which he stayed perfectly calm and humble. He then practiced a few punches, some cross kicks, and then his favorite move: the dragon kick.

    His dragon kick is a kick that consist of a lot of power in which Jake weirdly haves. Suddenly an idea flashed through Jake’s mind like lightning from a thunder cloud. He decided he wanted to imitate a move off of “flash blasters.” He held his hands out towards his tree house that hung perfectly on top of a giant oak tree and yelled “flash blast!” All of sudden, a bright white burst of energy flashed from his hands and destroyed his entire tree house. “Ah!” hollered Jake which then he fell backwards and onto the ground.

    “What is this?” he thought as he stared at his hands. “What’s going on?”
    Jake’s heart continued to beat fast due to fear. He was breathing hard and couldn’t create a single thought; but as seconds passed, he managed to calm down just enough to think over his situation. He stood up from the ground and began pacing back and forth.


    “What should I do? What should I do?” his thoughts screamed at him as he continued to pace. Jake felt like he had been struck by lightning. He had a very hard time concentrating his thoughts to figure out a solution. This incident reminded him of the time he made a “D” on his language arts test in which he had to figure a way out of showing his mom, or otherwise risk being grounded.

    He couldn’t throw it way due to the fact his teacher always informed parents on upcoming test which almost made getting out of showing your parents your test grade nearly impossible. However, Jake decided to throw away his test anyway and then wanted to make an attempt to lie to his mom.

    Unfortunately for him, Jessica somehow knew the exact grade he made and busted him the second he flew through the door. From that day, he still wondered how his mom knew that.

    The phone wasn’t working for the day because the company was installing new features which meant the teacher couldn’t have delivered a phone call. But yet she still knew every question he missed and why. Jake quickly shook off his bad memory and resumed thinking of a way to solve his solution.

    “Should I tell mom?” thought Jake, “wait… I can’t, she might think I tore down the tree house for fun and trying to play it off by pretending to have super powers.” Jake suddenly tripped over a smooth gray rock, falling flat on his face! “Ow” groaned Jake as he slowly stood back up on his feet. “That’s it” he thought, “I’m going to keep my powers a secret.

    If I tell anyone that I’m a….. Super hero, then they might think I’m a freak.” Suddenly Jake heard his mom’s voice calling him in a worried sound.
    “Jake, you’re awfully quiet; is everything alright?” But just before Jake had the chance to come up with a lie, Jessica was already at the scene.

    “Honey, what happened to your tree house?” she asked in a soft voice. A small and unnoticeable roll of sweat made its way down Jake’s cheek. Immediately, Jake managed to come up with a lie.


    “When I tried to climb the ladder, it just came apart!”
    Jessica gave Jake a puzzled look. “Are you sure? Is there anything you want to share with me?”
    “This is exactly what happened mom, now get off my back!” defended Jake.


    “You don’t have to get all defensive” Jessica said as she observed the remains of the destroyed tree house. “Jake, go back in the house and wash that dirt off of your face.” Obeying that command, Jake dashed into the bathroom he brushed his teeth earlier in and looked into the mirror.

    “How did dirt get on my face?” he said to himself, “that’s strange.” He quickly washed his face and then ran back outside which then; he stopped dead in his tracks. Observing the backyard once again; on top the oak tree, he found the tree house rebuilt and restored to its exact original form.

    “My tree house is fixed!?!” Jake questioned Jessica in a freak out voice, “bu… but… how? How that….fast?”
    “No need to worry about that” Jessica said as she stretched her arms out from exhaustion.


    “I want you to go to the park and play for a while.
    You know, shoot some hoops like you normally do, so that you can make the basketball team next year.”
    “Okay mom” confirmed Jake as he grabbed his basketball from by the trampoline.


    Immediately he started down Plum Street toward the park. As he walked down the car-less street, he stared at his hands. “I know I’m a super hero” thought Jake, “I just know.” As he neared the park, he spotted a brown haired girl, about the same age as him, being bullied by a small gang of boys. He listened to the conversation as he neared.
    “Where’s the money you owe us, little girl!” scowled the boy that seemed to be the leader.


    “I don’t owe you any money!” defended the girl.


    “I wouldn’t care if you did or you don’t, I want the money you have NOW!” Jake quickly rushed towards the scene and in front of the girl.

    Hey, leave her alone!” Jake roared at the gang leader.


    “How about you butt out!” boomed the gang leader, “you’ll live longer.” He then turned back towards the gang.

    “Let’s beat her up” he suggested to the gang.

    “Yeah!” cheered the gang in agreement.


    “I warned you” vowed Jake, “don’t bother her anymore.” The entire gang turned to Jake and stared in two seconds of silence and then laughed at him.

    After a few seconds of laughter, they quickly turned back around and hurdled up for a discussion. Jake turned to the girl who was brushing off the remains of the dirt from when the gang leader pushed her down. When he observed the girl, she had the same odd green eyes as him! “What’s your name?”

    Jake asked the girl politely. At first she hesitated to speak but then she realized that Jake was a helping have and not a gang member trying to fake it out.
    “It’s Lina” she answered in a sweet voice.
    “My name’s Jake.” Suddenly the gang interrupted Jake’s new friend moment.
    “Hey kid, why didn’t you just go home?” reaped the gang leader. “This is your last chance, go home or get beat up with her.”


    Jake took a defensive martial artic fighting stance, giving the leader a warning that he refuses to back off. The gang leader chuckled. “I guess this little wimp chooses to get beat up.”

    The gang leader charged toward Jake and made an attempt to punch Jake in his face. Jake easily dodged the punch and countered with a kick strong enough to knock the gang leader onto the ground.

    “This kid is strong” moaned the gang leader. “You idiots stop watching and help –let’s attack in numbers!” The entire gang charged after Jake as if there was no tomorrow. Jake quickly thought to himself.


    “Should I use the flash blast or not? Naww, I think it’s best to keep it a secret like captain flash did.”
    Jake then took a jump over the entire gang then trip-kicked each one of them causing to fall painfully on their backs.


    “He’s too good!” yelped the gang leader, “I’m out of here!” The gang leader quickly ran off followed by the rest of his gang.

    “Wow!” cheered Lina, “You’re amazing! Where did you learn to fight like that?”

    “During the school year, I have martial art class after school” answered Jake.

    “I like you” Lina said in a complimentary voice, “wanna be friends?

    “Sure” replied Jake, “How about coming to my house to play? Mom would love to know that I made a cool new friend.”
    “Okay” agreed Lina.


    The new friends started down Plum Street. As they were walking, Jake kept a secret observe on Lina. He couldn’t get her eye color off of his mind. He’d quickly turn his head if he felt like Lina was about to turn her head towards his direction.

    Jake made another attempt to steal another glance but this time he was caught! Lina however just started up another conversation to get to know Jake more, which gave Jake the chance to figure out why was her eye color the same as his. “You know, you have a big staring problem” Lina laughed.


    “What are you talking about?” Jake quickly defended.

    “I could see you ‘stealing’ glances” she bragged. “I know I’m beautiful but you don’t have to stare like that.”


    “Actually, I was wondering about your eye color” confessed Jake, “it’s the same as mine.”

    “I really don’t know why eye color is like this” Lina explained softy, “but I assume it’s the eye color my parents had had before they died.”

    “Oh…” groaned Jake, “I’m sorry for bringing that up.”

    “It’s okay” Lina said with a semi smile, “you did nothing wrong.”



  2. #2
    Danyelle --
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    I would really suggest joining a critique group. They can provide some very valuable help.
    A lot of what you are doing is telling. You lay the scene out very exactly, but in a way that detracts from the story.
    I would shy away from putting in his discription by having him look at himself in the mirror. Do you analzye your features when you look? There are better ways of doing it, usually bits at a time.
    I feel like you're giving me a play-by-play. As a reader, I don't really care what he ate, the color of his toothbrush, or his favorite show on television. Not unless they are important to the plot somehow.
    I would also look at how your characters are speaking. It's perfectly okay to use the term said. In the last bit you haven't used it once. People are defending, bragging, confessing, explaining, groaning, and semi-smiling. This makes the piece feel over written and over dramatic. Strong verbs are good, but the overuse of them can clutter writing. Said really is okay to use.
    Don't give up. You are improving.
    Hope this helps!

  3. #3
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    Alvin,

    I don't have time right now to read through this, but at first glance I would rate your improvement at a 7. Great job!

    You still have some major work to do, however, but I think you are beginning to grasp the feedback that you have been given.

    Quick comment:

    Jake Kanime awoke from his comfortable slumber excited and full of energy. He couldn’t wait to go to the park and shoot some hoops for his first day of summer. School was now out and the fun was now moving in.

    Jake slouched into the bathroom, shaking off the left over drowsiness that still dwelled in him. He glanced into the mirror and stared at his features.


    You say first that he is excited and full of energy. In the very next paragraph, you say that he is slouching into the bathroom and still drowsy.

    Also, you don't have to give the reader a full description of Jake right now. Skip the mirror contemplation and reveal his physical characteristics in other ways.

    And I agree with Danyelle: cut your speech tags.

    Again, this is much improved. Keep at it!

    -SA

  4. #4
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read


    "I feel like you're giving me a play-by-play. As a reader, I don't really care what he ate, the color of his toothbrush, or his favorite show on television. Not unless they are important to the plot somehow."

    Actually his favorite Tv show does run to the plot. if you read that far, you remember the "flash blast"
    point two- the things i add are mainly adjectives and details.

    point3- The way i wrote: somethings could be dramtic such ad : NOw get off my back! I cut that.
    but using just "said" seems mostly dry. i was told that by someone from writinforums.org
    "semi smiled" that's really not an emotion in a way
    I cut the slouched and changed it to stepped.
    someone told me that they wanted to more adjectives and things: " I want to see his mom, the dirty dishes, etc.."

    Someone also told me that using the mirror to reveal his complection was a very good way then to start the story off wit a description. I added in his physical features such as him being skinny and average height.

    LOL- the things that really does makes sense from your review: they ARE defending, yelling, bragging, confessing, groaning, but that's how the story is in a state, it would be dry to just put in said. compare the examples; even #'s with evens and odd with odds

    Example1: "You don't have to be defensive" jessica sighed

    example2: "Come out and fight me then" said Wes

    ex3: "you don't have to be defensive" said jessica

    ex4: "Come out and fight me then!" roared Wes

    Please reply to you're opion, because i learned that it helps to use suggestions from readers/etc

  5. #5
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    LOL- the things that really does makes sense from your review: they ARE defending, yelling, bragging, confessing, groaning, but that's how the story is in a state, it would be dry to just put in said. compare the examples; even #'s with evens and odd with odds

    Alvin,

    The point is to show the emotion through the actions and dialogue, not to tell your reader what the emotion is supposed to be.

    You need to spend some time learning the craft, reading books about writing, reading good writing. Then you will be able to make sense of the advice that you are being given.


    -SA

  6. #6
    Danyelle --
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    Details are good. But too many really clutter up writing.

    I'm not sure who told you gazing in the mirror is a good way to reveal how he looks. It's over done and unrealistic. I've heard authors say that's a weak way to give description.

    Yes, they are doing that. But you're telling me. That's lazy writing. Show me they are bragging, etc. It wasn't just the last part that bugged me, you did this through the entire piece.

    example2: "Come out and fight me then" said Wes
    This could be made stronger through action.
    "Come out and fight me then," said Wes. He clenched his fists and balanced on the balls of his feet, his eyes narrow. Something more polished of course, but I hope you get my drift.

    I think the biggest thing you are missing, and one that will hurt your writing, is you have to let your writing stand on its own. You won't be there to describe and give examples when you query an agent. You won't be there to do the same if someone buys your books. It's nice to know where you're coming from, but if your writing can't stand on its own (without you defending it), it won't sell well. Not trying to be harsh, but that's the way it is.

    Keep in mind crits can be helpful, but they aren't all created equally. If you have one person saying one thing or another, it may not be something you need to look at as much. If you have ten people all saying the same thing about the same passage, that's where you need to devote your energies.

  7. #7
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    Alvin-

    You need to keep working on critiquing your own work. For example:

    His dragon kick is a kick that consist of a lot of power in which Jake weirdly haves.

    This sentence doesn't actually make sense. You need to go over your work sentence by sentence and make sure each of them basically makes sense before you post them for a critique.

    Suddenly an idea flashed through Jake’s mind like lightning from a thunder cloud.

    Is there such a thing as a thunder cloud? And if there were one, would lightning come from it?

    Keep on writing!

    XO

  8. #8
    Arden Wolfe
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    Jesus.

  9. #9
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    Alvin,

    You've received lots of sound advice related to your various posts.

    I've suggested before, and am doing so again---calm down. Your writing isn't going to improve dramatically in a few days. It takes time and practice.

    You mentioned above that you've taken advice to read. It's hard for me to believe you could have read very much in such a short time.

    The excerpt you posted above is still riddled with grammar errors and sentences which simply don't make sense. I encourage you to work hard on those basics before worrying about anything else. Yeah, it may be boring. But do it.

    A few of many examples---

    Look up "scoffed" in the dictionary. Then decide whether you've used it correctly.

    Do you see any overkill in the phrase, "delicious savory goodness?"

    "His dragon kick is a kick that consist of a lot of power in which Jake weirdly haves." How many errors do you see in that sentence?

    As others have suggested, lose the descriptive tags. Yes, there are published writers who use them. No, you're not there. Show your reader instead of telling her/him.

    Keep on writing if it's your passion. But instead of flailing away, slow down. Learn. It takes time and practice. You're not going to improve in a matter of days. Maybe not months.

    Try to find a critique group or English teacher who will work with you.

    Above all, spend more time looking at your material with an objective eye. You should be able to catch many of the errors on your own.

    cur

  10. #10
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: REMAKE OF DUO OF DESTINY- please read

    All of you are right.
    Btw my updated version, i did do alot of editing.
    Like for example- i took out the "goodness" and replaced it with delicious and savory.

    But this is why it's called a rough draft

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