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  1. #1
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    This will also answer the bouncer problem. please comment


    “LOOKING INTO THE EYES OF A KILLER” (remake)
    by Alvin Atwater

    CHAPTER ONE/UNO
    I was just upstairs in my super model themed room combing my hair. Without any thoughts, I placed my cell phone on my dresser forgetting to do something important. I forgot to turn it on! I grabbed a basketball magazine from the inside of my dresser, sat down on my soft and cozy bed skimmed through the pages trying to find an interesting article to read until suddenly I began to feel thirsty. I quickly marched downstairs and into the kitchen. I opened the fridge gently and scanned it to see if I could find something to gulp down quickly. Bingo! Found some orange juice! I snatched the half-filled carting and an empty cold glass on the side and filled it up to the max! I put the container back in its place and stood up tall and on my feet. There standing right beside me was the nightmare himself! I dropped the glass on the hard tile floor due to fear. The glass shattered spilling the slippery prize everywhere. I glanced at the expression on Bruce’s face and boy was it terrifying! “Wilson” Bruce said in a darkening voice, “remember your penalty for snitching…. REMEMBER!” “But I didn’t squeal!” I quickly defended in a wimpy voice, “I swear Bruce, I didn’t say anything!” PAUSE! People that are reading, have you ever been in a situation this bad? Let me take you way back to the day this whole charade started, which will eventually lead up to this moment. I know, I know; you want to see what’s going to happen to me, but be patient because you’re in for a real treat! Let me introduce myself before I start. My name is Chris Wilson and I am just a regular 17 year old who goes to a school called Kalabar High. It’s a really dangerous school if you ask me. At this point, I fit among as a popular kid; but anyway let’s start the story of the worst day of my life. It all started just an hour before the hottest party in the world! After dazing in the mirror to look nice and tidy, I glanced at my watch to see what time it was. My watch read 10:30PM. I scampered into the kitchen where mom was washing dishes from dinner. “Don’t be at that party too long” she nagged. “I won’t” I lied, snatching her car keys off of the counter. I walked into the living room, grabbed my cell phone off of the mini table and dialed my best friend, Steve’s phone number. While waiting for him to answer the phone, I thought of things I may do at this party. Thoughts that raced through my head were: will I party wildly or will I sit back, relax and keep a cool conversation with my friends while watching everyone pass out from being drunk. The person who was hosted this party was Kadrian. His parents were out of town and he wanted to boost his reputation by throwing the wildest party ever. To tell you the truth, he does throw cool parties which would be why I’m on my way to his party now. Finally, even though he ruined my thinking, Steve answered his phone. I asked him if he needed a ride to the party but he responded saying he’s going to ride with Bruce. So from that point, I dashed into mom’s yellow convertible and drove off toward New Berry Street which is where my girlfriend Kristy lives at. Arriving to my destination, I parked on the side of Kristy’s driveway. Her mom was outside watering her thick red roses. I gave her a friendly wave in which she returned and then resumed watering her rose garden. Minutes later, Kristy finally comes out of the door. She had on some tight blue jeans and a pink shirt. During the ten minute drive, I asked Kristy if Marian (the most popular girl in school and best friend of Kristy) was coming to the party. She responded saying “Marian said she wanted to look her best for Bruce, and then she’ll be on her way. The party will get wild when she arrives anyway.” After discussing the party through the entire drive, we arrived at the huge blue house of Kadrian. Evidently, this party is so exclusive that Kadrian hired a bouncer. I really don’t get the point of this, but he’s a man of money and I’m just a free loading partier. “I hope you have your invitations” the fat bald-headed bouncer told us as we approached him. Observing Kadrian’s yard, or should I say parking lot, there were tons of cars parked. Kristy and I gave the bouncer our blue invitations and stepped through the door. When inside, we immediately noticed everyone dancing and partying wildly.



  2. #2
    Chuffy Martin
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    Hi Alvin,

    I found the opening rather boring. Far too much description of tedious everyday events. However, I was intrigued by the significance of opening the fridge door “gently.”

    Also, I assume you had some difficulty with the formatting? The lack of paragraphs made it very difficult to read…

    This isn’t a very positive response as I really did feel the mundane details got in the way of the story.

  3. #3
    nonamesleft 47
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    Alvin, this has potential but for starters here is what I would do:

    Reformat it so it is easier to read.
    Take out all but 1 of the exclimation points. (doesn't really matter which one you leave but one every other sentance is way too many.
    "BINGO!" Who since 1954 has said that?
    What 17 year old scampers?
    Why do you have to say that she nagged? it's already kind of obvious. Same goes for shouted, exclaimed, screamed, defended in a wimpy voice. Stick with said
    "where my girlfriend Kristie lives at." Get rid of the "at".
    Go to the mall, put on your listening ears and see how teenagers really speak to each other. Take a notebook and make notes of their conversations, I do.
    Go to the library and read as much as you can.
    Join a writers critique group where you will get honest answers about your work and what you need to do to improve
    Cut out alot of the needless description and day to day then read it out loud to yourself and have someone read it to you as you follow along. Anywhere you stumble across the wording, mark your copy with red ink and fix it.

    I'm not trying to rip you or make fun of you at all Alvin. I'm unpublished just like most people on here but I read, ALOT and write, ALOT and this is all meant to help so don't take personal.

  4. #4
    d. Leroy
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    Alvin... this isn't any better than the last one.

    Here's what I think; you're looking for that elusive compliment that says, you are a good writer, you've got hope, you've got talent, or something along those lines.

    Here's the problem; you're not going to get it like this. This is boring and sloppy. You need to take a little more time rehashing this and rewriting it. Step back, take a breath, and start again. Take your time, follow the advice you received above, and write it.

    Folks here want to help - throw the best you've got into the arena, then you will be made better.

  5. #5
    Gravity Fades
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    A lot.

    A lot.

    A lot.

    Two words, for God's sake. Two. There's NO SUCH WORD AS "ALOT"!

    Where did it even originate?? (Sorry, pet peeve of mine ... and that pet is growing larger by the day, apparently).

  6. #6
    nonamesleft 47
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    Wow, that really hurts my feelings, ALOT.

    Sorry Gravity, just kidding but couldn't resist. There might not be any such word where you're from but here in the sticks, folks use it a lot. I can answer your question though, it originated here in the sticks, around the same time as youinem, ya'll and tater.

    Alvin, you've got a good start but when I was your age my writing was about the same. Keep at it until you learn to see what you are doing wrong and don't give up.

  7. #7
    gulliver h
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    sorry...but ugh. Where do you stand but on your feet? On a chair? And a little punctuation, just a smidgen, would be good here. Honestly...

  8. #8
    Gravity Fades
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    Simply looks like lazy writing to me. Remember, agents and publishers are buried alive with stuff, and thus looking for any reason, ANY REASON AT ALL, to say "no."

    And having taught the last four years at conferences around the country, and having been around some of the top people in publishing, I can personally verify their unwillingness to put up with anything less than a writer's best effort.

    Just saying...

  9. #9
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    "Alvin, you've got a good start but when I was your age my writing was about the same. Keep at it until you learn to see what you are doing wrong and don't give up."

    I'm going with what he said / anyway, can't say i didn't try to make it better. And about the bingo part, I was planning on cutting that anyway.
    Exclamtion points--- won't be there too much

    BUT, despite the replies i got so faR: in real life, i've got good comments on my story and it was said that it's better than what i had earlier.

    In other words, can't you people give me a break!

  10. #10
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: some of Remake of looking into the eyes of a killer(novel now)

    In other words, can't you people give me a break!

    Do you want us to hold your hand, or help you become a better writer?

    Think about that.

    If you want to be a published author, you have got to be prepared to do the work. You may have a wonderful imagination and a great outline for the story. But you have to learn to execute your ideas. And that takes time. It will not happen overnight and it will not happen from reading a few posts on a message board.

    Several people have told you this already: You need to read. Read some well-crafted books. Pick a few paragraphs and read those aloud. Then read your writing aloud. You will begin to understand what everyone is saying.

    You have a long way to go, Alvin, and you won't find any shortcuts.

    Happy Writing,
    -SA

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