HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11
  1. #1
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    some of Duo of destiny

    This is just another title i've been working on. it's a fantasy. it may have a few typos in it, but dont mind it, feel free to comment here or at freewebs.com/alvinatwater123
    i have posted the prologue and chapter 1


    THE DUO OF DESTINY (book1): The battle against evil upon earth
    BY ALVIN ATWATER
    (PROLOGUE-)

    The legend of the duo of destiny lies in legends or maybe myths. Some people don’t believe, and some people acknowledge it. Believe it or not, the duo was just regular teenagers like everyone else except one thing was different. They were from a magical race called the phillisins. The phillis is a race that is not from earth but yet from another dimension called Yuri Kingdom. This land is a dimension connected to earth by portals. When there is an earth-connected portal, there will be also evil! But we won’t get into that yet. Instead I will explain to you more about the phillisins. A wizard is a male in phillis and a witch is a female. But the ability to use magic is also in this race. Each phillisin has magical powers. But there is also a point where a human and a phillisin will collide. To explain the difference in a human and a phillisin is that a phillisin’s main appearance is snow-white hair and red eyes (witch and wizard). A phillisin that decides to live on earth among humans mainly disguise themselves as humans by simply using there magic to change their eye color to an odd green color and putting on a wig with a different hair color. As I was saying when a human and a phillisin collide and have a child. That child will become half human, half phillisin. Our main characters in this story of course are half phillisin but they don’t realize who they are or where there are from. They both have those odd green eyes (a sign that their half phillisin or disguised), stronger then all of their classmates, and will meet up through destiny. Their names are simply Jake Kanime and Lina Evans. Jake, the male character of the duo of destiny, has been given a special energy blast technique called the flash blast. This technique is said to have been passed down from his grandfather’s blood to him. His grandfather’s attack will prove great to him when it comes to a situation where Jake must face evil.
    Lina, the female character of the duo, is not only half phillisin but she’s also half angel. The duo must endure hardships and unlock all of their powers or evil will prevail.





    (CHAPTER ONE- THE BEGINNING)

    We will begin our story at Jake Kanime’s house when he was only nine years old. Jake has blond hair, the odd green eyes and of course doesn’t know he’s a phillisin. It was a warm and moisturized summer morning. The birds were chirping and the butterflies were racing. Ah yes, this was a peaceful morning and of course you wouldn’t want to be left sleeping life away. “Jake breakfast is ready!” his mom called. “Coming mom when I’m done washing up!” replied Jake. Jake quickly dashed into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. After brushing his teeth he went into the kitchen to report for breakfast. On the table was Jake’s favorite breakfast foods; a stack of blueberry waffles with maple syrup drizzling all over. “Thanks mom” said Jake gratefully. “Anything for my favorite little man” said mom. “Where’s dad?” Jake asked. “He had to work early… AGAIN” replied mom, “he’s been working so hard lately, so he has little time he could spend with us.” Jake’s eyes began to water, “he promised to play catch with me.” “Don’t blame him” said mom, “he’s trying to impress his boss for a promotion.” When Jake was finished eating his breakfast he dashed into the living room to watch his favorite cartoon called “the flash blasters.” Jake’s mom peeped around the corner to make sure Jake was into the living room and falling deep into his cartoon and having no concern about the world around him. When she realized the coast was clear, she then whispered “dishes become clean.” Suddenly the dishes became spotless and sparkling so perfect, she could see her entire reflection as if the dishes were nothing but mirrors. Mrs. Kanime then neatly stacked the dishes into the cabinets and then quickly whispered, “Floor become mopped and let this entire kitchen turn spotless.” All of sudden, the floor and the kitchen became spotless all in less then a second. Jake had no idea that his mom and him were from another dimension. Yes they both were from Yuri Kingdom. Mrs. Kanime had been living in Lowin City, California since the day she has decided to live a human life. She did not want to have to worry about the evil that lies within Yuri Kingdom and especially the fact that her father’s killer was her own uncle. Zar is Yuri Kingdom’s strongest enemy and falls as the most wanted. However, the police force called the Yuri kingdom agents could never come across Zar’s castle. Of course one reason is that Zar was smart enough to hide his castle behind a special barrier that makes his castle completely invisible and unreachable to Yuri kingdom.
    The “flash blasters” cartoon finally ended. Jake quickly dashed into his room, put on his favorite pair of sneakers and then dashed outside into the backyard. He wanted to practice his knew technique from his martial art class he takes everyday after school. His martial arts varied from Kong Fu all the way to just basic karate. His mom signed him up for the class for self-defense (knowing he could beat the pulp out of his classmates anyway if they bother him). Jake took on his on his martial arts fighting stance. He stayed perfectly humble and perfectly calm. Suddenly his aura began showing a bit but he has no clue about this aura because he’s been living a normal child’s life. Jake decided he wanted to imitate a move he saw on “flash blasters”. Like every other child that imitates cartoons, he was no different. He held his hands out in front of him, and then yelled “flash blast!” All of sudden a bright white burst of energy flashed from out of his hands and destroyed his entire tree house. Jake felt frightened. He has just imitated a move off of his favorite cartoon and it worked! Jake stood paused in his position shocked. He wondered if he should tell his mom about what he has just done or keep it a secret. Finally Jake came to a decision; he decided if he kept it a secret, he wouldn’t have to worry about the whole world being scared of him. Suddenly Jake heard his mom’s voice calling him. “Jake, Jake are you alright?” She rushed outside to find Jake dirty and his tree house completely destroyed. “What happened to your tree house?” she asked, already knowing that Jake has figured out his gift. Jake began to sweat. He really did not want to lie to his mom, but he also did not want to reveal secret so instantly he thought of a lie. “When I came outside and tried to climb up the ladder, it just fell apart.” Mrs. Kanime looked at him with a puzzled look. “Are you sure? Is there anything you want to share with me?” “This is how it happened” Jake quickly lied. “Okay then” said Mrs. Kanime, “go back in the house and wash that dirt off your face.” As soon as Jake was out of the clear, Mrs. Kanime began thinking of a plan to get Jake’s tree house fixed. She glanced over at the bus stop and happens to spot six construction workers sitting down on the bench holding their tools. “I think I’ll use them” thought Mrs. Kanime. She began whispering a mind control spell. “Obey me workers…. obey me workers! You will begin fixing the tree house in the yard behind you without any questions asked and when you’re done you will forget that you have been working in the yard behind you and you will resume your wait for the city bus.” Mrs. Kanime aimed one hand in the direction of the workers and a blue aura suddenly glowed from around her hands. All of sudden the workers, with all of their tools, drifted in Mrs. Kanime’s yard and towards the tree house. They began taking down the lingering parts of the tree house and then started fresh with the wood that Mrs. Kanime had placed beside of the ladder of the tree. When Jake came trembling back outside, Mrs. Kanime was sitting in a lawn chair sipping on a glass of lemonade. “Mom what’s going on?” asked Jake in a surprised voice. “I hired these men to work on your tree house” Mrs. Kanime lied, “go to the park and play until these men get finished.”
    “Okay mom” replied Jake picking up his basketball off of the ground, “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” “Okay then, be careful.” Jake quickly totted off down Berry Street and towards the park. As Jake walked down the street he stared at his hands. “I think I’m a super hero” thought Jake, “maybe I should use my powers to patrol Lowin City.” As Jake neared the park, he spotted a young brown haired girl, about the same age as him, being bullied by a small gang of boys. Jake listened to the conversation as he neared. “Where’s the money you owe us little girl” scowled the boy that seemed to be the leader. “I don’t owe you any money” the girl fought back. “I wouldn’t care if you did or you don’t, I want the money you have NOW!” Jake quickly rushed towards the scene and in front of the girl. “Hey, leave her alone” argued Jake. “How about you butt out” said the gang leader, “you’ll live longer.” The gang leader turned back towards his gang. “Let’s beat her up.” “Yeah” agreed the gang. “I warned you” argued Jake, “leave her alone!” The entire gang laughed at Jake then hurdled up for a discussion. Jake turned to the girl. When observing the girl, she had the same odd green eyes as Jake. “What’s your name?” he asked the girl. The girl at first hesitated to speak but then realized Jake wasn’t one of the gang members trying to fake it out. “It’s Lina” she replied. “My name’s Jake.” Suddenly the gang interrupted Jake’s new friend moment. “Hey kid, why didn’t you just go home” said the gang leader, “This is your last chance, go home or get beat up with her.” Jake took a defensive martial artic fighting stance. The gang leader laughed. “I guess this little wimp chooses to get beat up.” The gang leader charged after Jake and made an attempt to punch Jake in the face. Jake easily dodged the punch and countered with a kick strong enough to knock the leader onto the ground. “This kid’s strong” said the gang leader, “I guess were all gonna have to attack in numbers.” The entire gang charged after Jake like there was no tomorrow. Jake quickly thought to himself. “Should I use the flash blast or not?” He thought, “Naww, I think I better keep it a secret like captain flash did.” Jake jumped over the entire gang then trip-kicked each one of them making them fall hard onto the ground. “He’s too good,” yelled the gang leader, “I’m out of here!” The gang leader quickly ran off followed by the rest of his gang. “You’re amazing” Lina complimented Jake, “Where did you learn to fight like that?” “I take some martial art classes’ everyday after school,” replied Jake. “Hey want to be friends?” asked Lina. “Sure” replied Jake, “Let’s go over my house so you can meet my mom, she’s really cool.” “Okay” Replied Lina. The new friends then trailed to Jake’s house. When the duo arrived at Jake’s house, the workers weren’t there anymore. Jake led Lina into the door and into the living where Mrs. Kanime was reading a red book. When she spotted Jake coming through the door, she quickly put the book back onto the bookshelf. “Mom, I would like you to meet my new friend, Lina” announced Jake. “Hi” greeted Lina. “Well how are you” replied Mrs. Kanime, “How about you two have some chocolate chip cookies I’ve just baked.” Mrs. Kanime quickly went into the kitchen and made a pan of chocolate chip cookies magically appear then dashed back into the living room and handed both of them each a cookie. “Thanks” said Lina in a polite voice. “You’re welcome” Mrs. Kanime replied. All of sudden Mrs. Kanime was shocked. When she observed Lina, she noticed her eye color! It was the odd green color, which half or disguised phillisins had. “This has to be the work of Deston, the guardian of destiny” thought Mrs. Kanime. “Lina, do you live around here some where?” asked Mrs. Kanime. “I live just around the corner, on Lilly Street” replied Lina. “What are the names of your parents?” “Well actually I stay with my aunt Becky” replied Lina, “My parents have died along time ago.” “I’m sorry to here that” replied Mrs. Kanime. “It’s okay.” “Well I have to run some errands, so I’m leaving you two alone for a while” said Mrs. Kanime, “I’ll be back as soon as possible.” Mrs. Kanime snatched her car keys from off the counter, and dashed to her car. After she finally drove off, Jake invited Lina into the backyard to play. They played inside Jake’s tree house for a couple of minutes until Jake felt like he wanted to reveal something. “Lina, I’m a super hero” bragged Jake. “You are, because you saved me” replied Lina. “No I actually have super powers!” argued Jake, “watch.” Jake piled up a stack of wood in a clear open part of his yard. “Now watch carefully” he said, “but first you must promise not to tell anyone.” “You mean you actually have powers for real… tuh, yeah right.” Jake stood a good distance apart from the stack of wood. “Now watch and learn, FLASH BLAST!” Suddenly the white bright burst of light returned, shot out from Jake’s hands and completely destroyed the stack of wood. Lina’s eyes turn huge. She felt like she was about to pass out. “Y… you… weren’t lying” she nervously said, “How did you do that?” “I told you, I’m a super hero” bragged Jake. Lina was amazed that she has a friend who has extraordinary powers. Jake explained to Lina how he discovered his powers. He told her about how he watched his favorite cartoon, and then had the urge to imitate it. But weirdly Lina never heard of the existence of the cartoon “flash blasters”. This starts the new beginning of Jake and his friend Lina. They both don’t have any clue that their both from the dimension of Yuri Kingdom, but destiny soon prevails.



  2. #2
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    info dump = boring

    voice = pedantic = boring

    English = bad

    "will begin our story !" It sounds like a recipe in a cookbook.

  3. #3
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    Alvin,
    Please take the time to format your work. This is too hard for me to read. I did scan, very quickly, and I agree with nom.

    You've done the same thing here as you did in your previous post: you've started the story in the wrong place. Sometimes you don't need to start at the beginning. The middle of the beginning or the end of the beginning might be a better place.

    I believe one of the hardest things for a writer to learn is how to set up a scene at the beginning of a story without padding it with gobs and gobs of backstory. Cut everything that is not immediately relevant to the scene.

    Good luck with this.

    -SA

  4. #4
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    the prologue does suck, and i'm thiking about throwing it out or finding a way to change it. "we will begin our story: lot's of things will be changed,btw- thanks for an honest opinion.


    "You've done the same thing here as you did in your previous post: you've started the story in the wrong place. Sometimes you don't need to start at the beginning. The middle of the beginning or the end of the beginning might be a better place": I kind of see what you mean. I was thinking about starting the story from the part where he was face to face with the killer which is in the middle of the story- thanks for honest opinion whether it's a put down or not

  5. #5
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    thanks for honest opinion whether it's a put down or not

    Definitely not a put down. Just my honest opinion.

    -SA

  6. #6
    d. Leroy
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    Alvin... how old are you?

  7. #7
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    i'm seventeen years old

  8. #8
    d. Leroy
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    Excellent. I think you've got talent. Now you need to hone it.

    Stay humble. Remember that the path to success is like eating an elephant. How do you do eat an elephant?

    One bite at a time.

  9. #9
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    I had decided to remake my entire story and was just typing it until I accidently hit the back button. Now i'm just all ticked off right now

  10. #10
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: some of Duo of destiny

    I had decided to remake my entire story and was just typing it until I accidently hit the back button. Now i'm just all ticked off right now

    ouch. I'd be ticked off too.

    -SA

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts