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  1. #1
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    LOOKING INTO THE EYES OF A KILLER (cursing censored) version
    By Alvin Atwater
    HAVE YOU EVER been in a situation that leaves you looking into the eyes of a killer?
    Well unfortunately I have felt that dark experience; I have actually witnessed a murder. My name is Chris Wilson, I’m 17 years old, I go to Kalabar high school and here is my story. My story begins at my modern house just a couple hours
    before Kadrian’s party. I was in a daze in front of the mirror trying to make myself all nice and tidy. I glanced
    At my watch to see what time it was. It read 10:30 P.M. I walked into the kitchen
    Where mom was washing dishes “don’t be gone too long” she said. “I won’t” I
    Replied, snatching her car keys off of the counter. I walked into the living room, grabbed my cell phone off of the mini table and dialed my best friend, Steve’s number. As I waited for Steve to finally answer I thought about the things I might do at this party. Will I enjoy myself and party wildly or will I sit back, relax and maybe have a cool conversation with my friends while watching everyone else get drunk and pass out. When Steve answered his phone, he told me he already has a ride to Kadrian’s party. So from that point, I left off into mom’s car and started off towards my girlfriend, Christy’s house. When arriving to her house, I waved at her mom, who returned a friendly wave, then resumed waiting, passing a few minutes to show up fashionably late to the party. Minutes later she stepped outside and got into the car with me, and then from that point, we drove off towards Kadrian’s party. During the drive I felt the excitement rush through my blood, “so did you ask her if she’s coming?” I asked Christy. “Yeah” Christy replied, “Marian said she wants to look her best for Bruice, and then she’ll be on way. The party will be much better when she arrives anyway” About five minutes later we arrived at Kadrian’s house. Christy and I stepped out of the car and immediately gave the bouncer the invitation. The bouncer gave us the hand signal allowing us to go inside. When inside, everyone was dancing wildly and having the time of their lives. The lights had a party style pink glow to them. The smell of alcoholic beverages flowed through the air as if someone took a giant bottle of alcoholic spray and over sprayed it everywhere, drowning any chances of fresh air to be in gulped. During my observation I spotted Steve. So immediately, I started off in that direction after waving off Christy to her friends. “What’s up” I greeted Steve. “Nothing much” Steve replied, “I’m just trying to keep patient for hot Marian to get here.” “How about Bruice?” I questioned, “Where is he?” “He’s over there by the bar with Kadrian and Alexus.” “Oh” I replied. Bruice is the toughest and strongest guy in our school. He also is the star of our football team but yet he seems to like to be the star of bullying too. Even though people see him as a bully, they also wonder how he could be a bully yet are so passionate to girls he flirt with or date.
    Bruice took a gulp of his beer, then instantly putting the can down upon spotting Marian walking through the door. Marian is the most beautiful cheerleader in our school. She seems to be every man’s dream! As well as being the captain of the cheerleader squad, Marian is also the smartest girl in school and is the president of the student council.
    I felt empty a bit when I watched Bruice confront Marian for a dance. Even though I had a girlfriend, I wished the best for Marian. To me, Bruice was nothing but trouble, but knowing that Bruice loved women I turned back to Steve.
    The party of course suddenly grew wilder due to the fact Marian was now present. “Wanna beer?” Steve asked me. “Yeah” I replied, “but won’t drink much because I have to drive Christy home.” Steve handed me a beer from a stack that was sitting on a counter near us. “Thanks” I said, then began drinking away.
    Minutes have passed since I paid attention to Marian until all of sudden I spotted Bruice and her walking up the stairs towards a room on the left. I really did not care so I turned back to Steve and resumed our current conversation. I always had known that Steve was part of Bruice’s gang and the fact that Steve’s a very powerful member and lies close to Bruice. I took another swallow of my beer and suddenly had to go! Without hesitation I asked Steve for directions to the bathroom. He tells me upstairs and to the right. I instantly obeyed the directions to the bathroom and went upstairs and to the right. After I was done, I flushed the toilet and reached for the faucet handles to turn on the sink but suddenly I began to hear thumping noises and a small cry for help. I tiptoed out of the bathroom and towards the room on the left where the door was cracked open a bit. I took a peep through the crack and was shocked and frightened at the same time. Through the crack I witnessed huge muscular Bruice smothering Marian nearly half to death with a pillow. Marian was fighting back for her life and scratching Bruice with a pin, hard enough to leave a long mark on the side of his face. I felt like someone took a hammer, threw it and nailing me in the head. Hesitating just a bit, I dashed downstairs and tried to get everyone’s attention but everyone was nearly drunk and the music was too loud. Steve or Christy was nowhere to be found due to the fact they were just two among the huge crowd, so I dashed outside where it was quiet and quickly dialed the police. “Virginia Street police department, state your emergency” a woman’s voice said. “I have just seen him smothering her with a pillow!” I panicked, “Please… please hurry and get here!” “Sir please calm down, I will send some officers, but I will require you to stay online and continue to give me information on the crime you have just witnessed.” I continued to the conversation with the dispatcher when suddenly Bruice himself stepped outside with a huge bleeding scratch mark on the side of his face. I hid the phone in my pocket even through the dispatcher from the police station was still talking to me. Bruice looked at me. I felt like I had been struck by lighting until he finally turned his head and began smoking a cigarette. Bruice looked very nervous and plus he kept a back and fourth pacing as if he had done something. He then walked off and disappeared into the dark. I quickly got back onto the phone with the woman who luckily stayed online. “He just walked off!” I yelled in a panicking voice, “He’s gone!” “Sir, the officers will be there to question everyone and also be expecting an interview with detective Brown, so please stay patient” the woman replied. Approximately five minutes later, the police finally made an appearance. They quickly marched into the building and secured each exit. The music was silenced, everyone tried to wear off the alcoholic scents, and most of all; everyone was in fear of getting arrested. The first officer announced me to stay outside and wait for detective Marcus Brown to question me. Minutes later, a black Mercedes pulled through the driveway, and then a tall man wearing a brown coat stepped out of the vehicle. He pulled out a notepad and walked toward me. “Are you Mr. Wilson?” the man asked. “Yes” I replied, “Are you Detective Mark Brown?” “Yes Sir” the detective replied, “I will need you to explain everything to me, including the killer’s name.” I briefly explained everything I witnessed to the detective. As the detective was going over the procedure I glanced to the left and happened to spot Steve eavesdropping. I felt a bit of fear since he was a member of Bruice’s gang. “Mr. Wilson please pay attention.” I quickly turned back toward the detective



  2. #2
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    Hi Alvin,

    This is not working for me.

    HAVE YOU EVER been in a situation that leaves you looking into the eyes of a killer?
    Well unfortunately I have felt that dark experience; I have actually witnessed a murder.


    This made me roll my eyes. It definitely did not spark an interest to read more. You need to cut it. I think your story would work better if you started somewhere else. I couldn't care less about a 17 yr old named Chris getting ready for a party. Kind of boring.

    Now starting with “I have just seen him smothering her with a pillow!” might be a bit more interesting.

    Also, have you done any research on 911 protocols? His conversation with dispatch doesn't seem quite right.

    And a nitpick: Bruice? Do you mean Bruce? Bryce?

    Rework this, clean it up, fix the formatting and post again.

    Happy writing,
    -SA

  3. #3
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    Thanks for the honest opinion. Most writers have blind spots, and i'm just one of them.
    Now starting with “I have just seen him smothering her with a pillow!” might be a bit more interesting.: a good idea. Maybe i should have someone look over my entire story

  4. #4
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    Hey Alvin

    What Sail Away said. This is a good first draft.

    SA is correct about the conversation with dispatch. The dispatcher is not located at a precinct house. Dispatchers for the entire area are centrally located at an "EOC" - emergency operations center. So if it's a big city, they probably cover the whole city. Where I work they cover the whole county. They're also not going to get into the whole spiel about "I need to ask you some questions." They're just going to ask. Just FYI they will generally have a call taker, which is the person who answers the phone and filters out the story. Then the call taker routes the pertinent info to the actual dispatcher who decides which police/fire/ambulances to dispatch and tones them out. They don't tell you which stations they're coming from. You may have fire trucks show up before ambulances. They're not going to tell you any of that.

    Also there is a very specific protocol for questions and answers. First thing they're going to want to know is are they conscious? Second question, are they breathing? Then they'll get into is the person who hurt them still there? Any firearms? You may want to do some research online and get an actual list of the questions they ask. It's rapid fire and they don't tell you what to expect and who's going to interview you, etc. They're busy getting information from you, not giving it to you unless they're walking you through how to do CPR.

    Hope that helps.

    XO

  5. #5
    d. Leroy
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    Alvin... I asked on another thread how old you are. If you don't want to answer, I completely understand.

    Here are my initial thoughts to your piece above. I couldn't read it word for word, I started skimming after the first few sentences. You've already received some good advice, so I'll try to repeat the same stuff.

    There are some mechanical things you need to work out - you've got a lot of redundancy (example: ...and this my story. My story begins...). Work on this.

    Also, one of the things I like about first person narratives is being in the characters head constantly, but only if it's done right. I think you've got a decent start on this, but it still doesn't sound authentic. Here are few first person narratives examples that I thought were excellent that you could reference:
    Bag of Bones - Stephen King
    I Know This Much Is True - Wally Lamb
    The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

    Good luck

  6. #6
    d. Leroy
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    I'll NOT to repeat the same stuff, I meant to say. Good grief.

  7. #7
    alvin atwater
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    I tried to post the remake of my story, but it wouldn't show up. I did all fo that typing for no reason!!!

  8. #8
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    Alvin-

    Good idea to write stuff into Word or whatever program you use, save it, then copy and paste for posting!

    XO

  9. #9
    Dee Dee
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    Mmm, I was kind of lost. I've never been to a house party with a bouncer, and I've been to quite a few. Neither have I smelled alcohol all over the place, even with a lot of people drinking.

    The whole situation with Bruce just doesn't seem quite right. He might've raped her, but choosing to kill her when he was the last spotted with her is not a smart idea.

    Moreover, if the police are investigating something as serious as a suspected murder they won't trifle over underaged drinking. Lastly, DT's DO NOT drive Mercedes. Perhaps a Taurus or Continental.

  10. #10
    Xavier Onassis
    Guest

    Re: some of "Looking into the eyes of a killer"

    choosing to kill her when he was the last spotted with her is not a smart idea.

    Just because a criminal act was exceedingly stupid doesn't make it implausible.

    XO

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