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  1. #1
    T.L. Gray
    Guest

    Between the Buried & Me

    Here is my son's first attempt at writing. This is the beginning to the novel he's writing. He's looking for some constructive criticism, so let him have it. He's seventeen; he can handle it.

    *****
    Prologue



    Between the buried and me, I have a secret. One that has surely led to my soon-to-be quick and painful death. I will tell it to you just once, so sit down and make yourself comfortable. Maybe take a hot bath.


    I am Bartleby. Until three years, five days, seven hours, thirty-three minutes, and going on twelve seconds ago, I was very normal, like you. Unlike you, I’m special and in everyway unlucky, for the dead talk to me. They never talk pleasentries; they always talk of fast approaching death. They let you know the exact way, time, and effect it will have. According to the deceased, I only have three hours left to live. I break my vow of secracy to let you in and tell you about it.









    Chapter One – The Beginning



    Early that Saturday morning, I opened my eyes and stared into the grey, ashen face of a man. His sallow skin sagged off his cheek bones. His dull blue eyes stared down at me, hollow and lifeless. His wrinkled, colorless lips twitched as he shook me.



    Too shocked to scream, I laid there, paralyzed in my fear. The old man yanked me out of my bed and whispered, “You best follow me.”



    I tried to feel my feet as they touched the cold wooden floor, but my brain didn’t comprehend what they did. They automatically slipped into the leg holes of my jeans and I pulled them up, not removing my eyes from the old man whose body somewhat floated in front of me. “Who are you?” I stammered.



    He looked back at me and said, “In time, you’ll see.”



    He floated to the window and then his body disappeared as he flew right through it. I pushed back the curtains that flapped in my face and watched as he decended to the ground below. My hands shook as they gripped the window ledge. My warm breath created a foggy frost against the dirty window pane. The old man turned back toward me and motioned me to follow.



    I jerked back from the window and leaned my back against the wall. He’s freakin’ crazy if he thinks I’m gonna follow him. I looked back out the window. He still stood there, staring up at me, beckoning me to join him. I kicked the footboard post of my bed and grabbed my jacket. “This is crazy!”



    With a throbbing toe, I shoved my sore feet into my Vans and ran out the door, down the stairs and into the cold, misty morning air.



    I ran around the corner of the house, when my feet suddenly jerked out from under me. A cold hand clasped the back of my neck and yanked me backwards. I looked up and saw the old man hovering over me. “This way!” He pointed toward the graveyard.



    My heart sank. Anywhere but there! He jerked hard on my shirt. I pulled myself up and dusted off the seat of my pants. “Hold your horses, old man. I’m going. I’m going.” I took a step forward toward the graveyard and asked, “Why do you want to go there? I’d figure that’d be the last place a ghost would want to hang out.” He turned and wrinkled his bushy gray eyebrows at me. “Hey, I just figured you’d be tired of a place like that… and you know, want to hang out somewhere a little more, lively.”



    The old ghost ignored me and pulled me by the shirt up into the air. Within a few seconds my feet left the ground and the wind whipped across my face. We flew high into the sky, up over the trees and the gate into the graveyard. I felt my heart pounding in my chest.



    I tried to close my eyes, to shut everything out, but my curiosity got the better of me. I opened my eyes again and looked down and screamed. We decended, not to a vacant grave or an empty tomb, but to a party of ghosts all looking up at me, waiting.

    ****



  2. #2
    Thorp Kozak
    Guest

    Re: Between the Buried & Me

    This kept my interest, and I like the hook you used at the end. You left me wondering what's going to happen next.

    Be careful of using cliches, like, "my curiosity got the better of me."

    Overall good. Keep writing!

    TK

  3. #3
    Granny Ten
    Guest

    Re: Between the Buried & Me

    For a seventeen year old's first try, this is very good. Keep working and reading.

  4. #4
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: Between the Buried & Me

    Overall, the writing looks promising.

    We decended should be We descended...

    Also, try to use something other than "Hold your horses, old man. It sounds like a cliche'to me.

  5. #5
    Rick Walker
    Guest

    Re: Between the Buried & Me

    Great dark fun. Write on!

  6. #6
    T.L. Gray
    Guest

    Re: Between the Buried & Me

    Thanks for the Critique, I will try stsaying away from Cliches but it is hard. And right now i am editing Chapter2.

  7. #7
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: Between the Buried & Me

    Tonya!!! Hey girlfriend!! I sure miss you --

    Send me an email and get me up to speed on life in general, okay?

    So, looks like creative writing runs in the family, huh? :-)

    Later,
    C

  8. #8
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: Between the Buried & Me

    Got it - thanks, Tonya! I'll get back to you when I get home tonight.

    :-) Good to hear from you!

    C

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