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  1. #11
    steak Bake
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Thank you to those who actually gave me suggestions for the sentence. These comments are helpful and very much appreciated



  2. #12
    steak Bake
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    "Surely I am not the only writer who has ever been stuck on a sentence. I suppose you have never questioned an awkward sentence? If so than I bow down to you"


    Obviously I meant this for nom de plume, but didnt specify

  3. #13
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Nom didn't say you had no talent, Nom said SKILL.

    And based on the sentence in question, I must admit I came to the same conclusion that your problems might go beyond that sentence.

    And by the way it's "camaraderie"

  4. #14
    Glen T. Brock
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Simon,

    Don't throw rocks. By the way, it's 'comradery' according to Random House Dictionary of the English Language. Admittedly, I am not a skilled speller, but I think some of this confusion is over the differences between American English and British English.

    Seriously, Steak Bake asked a legitimate question and this is the correct forum to address it. He deserves to be treated with civility.

    Glen T. Brock

  5. #15
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Dear Glen,

    Webster's shows it as being spelled "ie" And I certainly was not throwing rocks. Not even stones, or a pebble or one teeny tiny grain of sand.

    By the way the role of Simon's father has already been taken by a wonderful man who intends to keep the job, despite the gray hairs it has led to.

    Perhaps someone else on this board would be interested in being your writers net wayward child.

    Any takers?

    Simon

  6. #16
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    "Led by one tormented with flashbacks of his creators, the beings abandon their brutal methods in favor of comradery"

    Steak,

    If you want a helpful critique, please post the context for this sentence. My initial impression is that you need to rethink your approach here.

    What is the main point? The flashbacks, the change in relational interaction, the brutal methods they were using...

    I think the reason you are unhappy with this sentence is because you have veered away from the main point. Try restating in a very simple sentence. Use two if you have to. Then rewrite.

    Good luck.

    -SA

  7. #17
    Granny Ten
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Funk & Wagnall's says Simon Says is correct. That's how they spell it. I think the rude person in this thread is Steak Bake. But that's one of the troubles with the internet, you can never be really sure of a person's attitude.

  8. #18
    Mya Bell
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    steak wrote: "Led by one tormented with flashbacks of his creators, the beings abandon their brutal methods in favor of comradery"

    Hmmm, well, I have to throw in with those who didn't like the sentence, I read it three times before I got the meaning.


    So ... how to fix it.

    I dunno. There's not enough context to offer suggestions. That's probably why people suggested you post the whole critique. You can see the story in your head but we can't. We haven't read the manuscript, not even the query.

    Who's this "one" who is tormented?

    Who are his creators?

    "Camaraderie" is maybe too general. Could you say it better by "showing" instead of telling how they changed their relationship?


    So often changing one sentence makes it necessary to edit the preceding and subsequent sentences as well. Sometimes two sentences can be combined to express the idea better.

    Editing one sentence is like taking a button into a store and asking the sales clerk to suggest a better one. Without seeing the shirt or dress to which it was attached, it's difficult to help.

    --- Mya Bell

  9. #19
    eilidh gowan
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    uh oh, though I am certainly one of those writers who need a lot of help and kicks themselves, I have to say, I didn't like the sentence either.

    My suspicion is that you - like me! - try to cramp too much of all into one little, innocent sentence and thus overfreight it.

    That's why Nom concludes that there might be a pattern. Sure true for me, maybe true for you too.

    And it's camadarie.

    I may suck at punctuation and grammar but not at spelling.

  10. #20
    steak Bake
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Hello again

    Granny, I cant see how I am the rude one compared to others here.

    Also, both spellings can be used but i will make the suggested change in favor of majority opinion

    Simon,
    Whether NOM said skill or talent is irrelevant. The remark was still insutilng and bitchy.

    I realize its difficult to critique without knowing the story, as I originally suggested, and perhaps I will post more soon, but thanks for trying to give me suggestions guys. I'll work on it

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