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  1. #1
    steak Bake
    Guest

    Can you help me with this sentence?

    Hello,
    I hope this makes sense. I am writing a query based on a story about a small group of aliens who are stuck in a cave with humans, and the conflicts they have. The aliens thus far have been very harsh with the humans, but are beginning to change as they get to know them

    I have a sentence which I am just not comfortable with and could use some help. Any thoughts? Here it is:

    "Led by one tormented with flashbacks of his creators, the beings abandon their brutal methods in favor of comradery"



  2. #2
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Reading the troublesome sentence leads me to believe you might have more problems than just this sentence. Why not post your entire query in the Literary Agents section?

  3. #3
    steak Bake
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Thanks,
    but I am Just looking for a critique about the sentence. Is this not the section for that?

  4. #4
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    All right, here's my critique for this sentence: it's so awful that someone with even a modicum of writing skills would have tried to fix it before posting it anywhere.

  5. #5
    steak Bake
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Why such a brutal insult?
    uncalled for and unhelpful
    thanks a lot

  6. #6
    Granny Ten
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Granny's not the only one with combat boots, nom de plume, but I share your view. Many times a sentence is so bad, and saying so, steak bake, is not a brutal insult. Your soul is not attached to your writing. So, saying the sentence is bad is not an insult to you, it's not an insult at all. non de plume's comment is definately called for and helpful. The best thing for this sentence is to ditch it and try again. Been there, done that.

  7. #7
    E Lynd
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Led by one tormented with flashbacks of his creators, the beings abandon their brutal methods in favor of comradery"

    "XXXX, though tormented by flashbacks of his creators, leads the beings in developing comradery with the humans."

    It's difficult without knowing the context; my sentence might not be true to the book at all.

    I don't agree that suggesting that the poster has no talent is called for. While I agree the sentence ain't great (and that is what the OP said), I don't think that insulting his work, never having read more than this, is necessarily helpful. It's possible to be both helpful and kind. And kind isn't even required, but I don't think that the opposite is, either.

  8. #8
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    I don't know, steak Bake...maybe switch the sentence around a little?

    "Because one of the beings was tormented by flashbacks of his creators, he led the others to abandon their brutal methods in favor of comradery."

    BTW, I've noticed that whenever Mercury goes retrograde (astrology babble), posters here get very prickly and, yes, brutal. The place usually calms down -- relatively speaking -- sometimee after the planet goes direct. Which will be around November 1st.

    *_*

  9. #9
    Otto Rabe
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Hey bud,

    Thats a hard one to finagle. However, stretching creative license and jamming an oodle of commas in a sentence that should otherwise be two, might get you the below attempt:

    Favoring comradery the alien beings abandoned their brutal methods in the face of example, an example of one who led while holding the vision of brutality in the fore front of his memory.

  10. #10
    steak Bake
    Guest

    Re: Can you help me with this sentence?

    Thank you E Lynd,

    Of course I knew the sentence sucked but for some reason have stumbled over it. I posted it here because this is supposedly the forum for grammar questions

    Surely I am not the only writer who has ever been stuck on a sentence. I suppose you have never questioned an awkward sentence? If so than I bow down to you


    And I agree that you cannot judge a person by one awkward sentence and say they have no talent. So Granny, It was insulting. There is a difference between constructive criticism and jumping to the ASSumption that I cant produce a good story.

    I thought this was a forum where writers are supposed to help each other. While I welcome criticism, lets remember that common courtesy and maturity should exist in some form.

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