HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3
Results 21 to 29 of 29
  1. #21
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    <<Like I should explain why the protagonist puts his hands in his pockets?>> No you don't but i understand this sentence perfectly. If this action is what you meant by the sentence i quoted in my previous post, then why not describe it simply the way it is?

    It's the same with the paragraph quoted by Radish about getting drunk. And probably true for many more throughout the book.

    Just try to replace every "bookish" paragraph with plain English. If you remove the rampant undergrowth from this MS you'll be able to see the forest and probably find it in need of a few good trees (sorry for the cliche').



  2. #22
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    Oops, i forgot the quote:

    <Like I should explain why the protagonist puts his hands in his pockets?>

  3. #23
    R. Radish
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    Trying to re-read some of this...it's almost comical.

    Instead of: he bled to death
    ...you write: he suffered death by desanguination

    Instead of: I tapped my heel. The sound echoed off the concrete.
    ...you write: The rapid tap of my heel against the concrete flooring echoed thanks to the close proximity of each wall.

    Instead of: I slumped forward and rested my elbows on my knees. I closed my eyes.
    ...you write: Each elbow rested on its respective knee and my eyes did their best to force themselves shut.

    Instead of: "When's the train arrive?" I mumbled.
    ...you write: "When's the train supposed to be here?" My voice had never been very deep, but the fatigue I experienced had presented itself when I spoke.

    Instead of:
    I found myself reaching for my gun. Micah looked and raised an eyebrow.
    "Just had a feeling," I said.
    We'd been waiting twenty minutes. Rock hail continued to batter the station. We sat, silent.

    ...you write:
    The thought of it forced my right hand to the pocket which concealed my weapon, but not without Micah noticing.

    He raised one of his eyebrows, as if my seemingly unprovoked action raised suspicion. "I just had a feeling, that's all," I said embarrassed. My hand acted as if it shoved itself into the empty pocket of my slacks. Twenty minutes passed since we made our way to the wait station for the train, and the noise of rock hail that battered the cloudy poly-plastic frame began to annoy me beyond explanation. My attempt to ignore the noise failed as Micah and I just stood there, the lack of conversation far more annoying than the twangs of the plastic station.

    Instead of: I hadn't slept in hours.
    ...you write: It had been hours since I found any sleep

    ...and finally, you write:
    "War," he whispered, the heat of his breath could be felt against my ear he leaned down to speak in.

    ...no comment.

  4. #24
    Brandon Cleveland
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    Wow Radish, no need to insult. And as with all writers, we have two different styles - because you feel it should be written a certain way doesn't necessarily mean that is the 'across the board' way.

    And if everyone wrote the same way, what's the need for more than one writer on the planet? Keep your insults to yourself, and it'd be appreciated. I can see where you're coming from, but I don't necessarily agree with your style.

  5. #25
    Wonky
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    Why even post your work here if all you're looking for is a pat on the back?

  6. #26
    Finnley Wren
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    Brandon:

    You focus on three words R. Radish posted and say nothing about the fifteen minutes it must have taken him to show you some of the errors you are making. And make no mistake, these are not "stylistic" choices you are making, they are common mistakes made by all new writers.

    Pick up The Elements of Style by Strunk and White and take it to heart.

    R. Radish was being kind. Someday, you are going to see that.

    he suffered death by desanguination

    And that is comical. Someday, you are going to see that too. But don't worry. You should see some of the crap I've spewed - and still spew - along the way. The secret is to recognize it as crap and to fix it. Your last post reveals you are perhaps not there yet.

  7. #27
    Brandon Cleveland
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    I suppose I was too quick to jump - and i used desanguination in the query letter, nowhere in the book.

    But I've started my hard copy rewrite today (250 pages @ ten point font), so I should be doing that for the next week.

    I just get mixed opinions on the complexities of writing. Some have told me that my first couple of chapters were too simple, and others have said to complex and long.

    This is going to be a stressful rewrite, much more than the first =).

    R. Radish, I'm sorry to have jumped at you for your opinion. I suppose I should be thanking you instead. So yeah, I appreciate it.

  8. #28
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    Brandon,

    I'm not trying to pile on, although this may sound as if I am. Radish's comments were dead on.

    The phrase you used where you included desanguination is a show stopper, whether in your query or your mss. The issue is not just the use of the word, it's also the awkward and distant phrase you concocted.

    From the samples you have posted, I suspect your mss will need more than one edit. It's unlikely you'll catch all the problems in the first pass or even the second.

    Don't give up.



    cur

  9. #29
    R. Radish
    Guest

    Re: An excerpt from my completed manuscripts third chapter, advice please

    In "How to Tell a Story: The Secrets of Writing Captivating Tales" by Peter Rubie and Gary Provost, the authors include a sentence from a novel Provost wrote when he was 20:

    "He was not quite as salubrious as he might have been on such a day, and so he stood torpidly beside the corroded asphalt-pebbled border of the highway making nugatory conjectures, and his thumb sought some sort of concession to his distress."

    Rubie continues:

    "I don't know whether you've ever written a sentence that bad, but the point is, both Gary and I wrote that awful way once, yet, since then, we have both made a living from writing--selling books, magazine articles, short stories, columns and so forth."

    So Gary Provost recovered from that sentence and achieved success! There's hope for us too.

    Provost wrote a fine writing book you might want to check out:

    Make Your Words Work
    <http://www.amazon.com/Make-Your-Words-Work-Techniques/dp/0595174868/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-5533009-9609537?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189481402&sr=8-1>

    PS: That's the only time I've ever encountered "nugatory:"
    nugatory
    adj.
    1. Of little or no importance; trifling.
    2. Having no force; invalid. See Synonyms at vain.
    Adj. 1. nugatory - of no real value; "a nugatory law"

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts