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  1. #1
    new girl
    Guest

    New beginnings...

    Hi, this is the first 300 words of my novel. It starts of quite light, but later on gets a bit darker. I would be delighted to hear what people think of it!

    Many thanks,

    Kel

    ***************************************

    You have to travel up three floors to get to the returns desk and I so I have the time to check myself out in the glass mirrors lining the escalator’s sides (not bad, not bad). I find myself in homewares and then swing round and ascend now to childrens’ clothing and am just about take the last flight when I hear someone calling my name.

    “Jas… James!”

    I stop at the top of the escalator and turn round and try to see who it is. A hand is waving from over at a table piled high with pink and blue – and the hand belongs to Helen, my ex of not-so-long ago, looking fat.
    I feel myself being carried over against my better judgement and just then a rich-looking guy in a suit appears at her side.

    I try to smile but it'll makes my face ache so I just walk over, hoping to get this conversation over and done with, quickly.

    “James… this is John,” says Helen. The suit outstretches a hand, gives me this alpha-male handshake. “And.. eh, I’m pregnant!” She says, beaming.

    I don’t say anything but just get these flashes – of time and chronology – of the f****r’s name that she’d been seeing behind my back – thinking, it must have been him. Helen looks up at me, smiling and then brings her open hand up to rest on her belly. She is waiting to be congratulated, they both are. I clear my throat, remembering how crap I am at platitudes.

    “Eh… well… good for you!” I say, and then, not caring how ignorant it looks, just wanting to be away from there, I turn away from them and start to walk, as quickly as I can, towards the escalator and escape… I mean, twenty-one, first year out of uni, and already they're starting to get pregnant…



  2. #2
    new girl
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    there should be two 'ffs' in off...

  3. #3
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    I can't say this is great writing, new girl. First, there are typos and grammatical errors so it was a little tough to follow.

    Second, well, I just wasn't bowled over by the piece at all. There's no real structure, no logic to the sequence of events. I know what you're trying to do with the scene, but it's just not done well.

    Sorry. Wish I could give you a more positive review.

    C

  4. #4
    Clayton Lindemuth
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    New Girl

    I'm with C, but with a big caveat. You have something that can be interesting. You are relating events that I want to know more about. I think this scene could be turned into a gem by a skilled writer. You need to become that writer. Like C said--the obvious stuff--it has to be obvious to you. That means either editing and proofreading, or, if you don't know grammar and spelling, study and editing and proofreading.

    Keep your chin up and keep doing it. If it is a labor of love, you'll get there.

    Clayton

  5. #5
    gulliver h
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    I've read worse here. A lot worse.

    but yes, typos. Grammar. Important things. But it's not bad at all, and I'd certainly press on. There's a voice, which is great. It's got some rythym, some humor, some cleverness. I think it's a good start, for what that's worth. Press on. (honestly, I kind of like it.)

    Are you Australian, btw?

  6. #6
    Lewis R
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    Yes, I agree with everyone. But you have done a far better job than myself.

    I have a nasty habit of over-writing. Please don't make the same mistake. But we all have to learn. I still am.

    Keep at it. Even the experts had to start somewhere. But I do agree with gulliver (I kind of liked it).

    But I am only speaking from the novice point of view. There are those on this site you should listen to more than me.

    Good luck.

  7. #7
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    My butt hurts.

  8. #8
    gulliver h
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    have you tried scratching it across the carpet?

  9. #9
    Lewis R
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    Or stop speaking through it.

  10. #10
    Clayton Lindemuth
    Guest

    Re: New beginnings...

    Nice.

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