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  1. #11
    Robert MacDermant

    Re: Operator critique

    ooooh alright this is gonna be painful....good bye prologue. :sigh:

    are you sure though? Star wars began with an opening scroll like that....Do you think I could just shorten it? Or is there no way to salvage it?

  2. #12
    Rogue Mutt

    Re: Operator critique

    Do you think I could just shorten it? Or is there no way to salvage it?

    No, lose it.

  3. #13
    Janet Ford

    Re: Operator critique

    Robert -

    I am also editing the draft of my book. It's painful to have revision after revision but seeing it really come to life is exciting. The opinions you get on this board may sting a little but remember that you're asking for critique and not praise. Everyone here means only the best for you. They take the time to stop writing and reach out to read and critique someone else's work. It's priceless.

    Do what I do. I saved my original file, untouched. After that, I renamed the file with each save after experimenting with various suggestions made here. Even if I was saying, "Blech! No way!" I tried it. If I don't use that suggestion, I guarantee I've still learned something valuable to the final editing to the rest of my book as well, which I find exciting.

    I agree with the data dumping. Your story sounds facinating and I'd like to read it but I could never manuver my way around the text obstacles you've created for yourself in there. I can see that you've done quite a bit of research and I commend you for that. Being that you have, I'd also like to suggest that you become the creator and not try to be similar to anyone else. Don't be another Star Wars.

    I'd also change the United Nations to something unique to you. It's fiction. Make something truly unique that stands out. If you do dream of the type of marketing you described earlier, I'd certainly suggest you stand out as far as possible from the crowd or it will never happen.

    If grammar and punctuation isn't your strong suit, have someone gifted in that area go over your final piece. As is, it isn't ready in that respect. Certainly doesn't make you any less of a story teller. (may get costly, though)

    I don't think you neccesarily need to start the book off with a war or fight. Just start with something that gets the reader's curiosity kicked into gear in one way or the other.

    Take out 'ums' and 'ahs'. They trip the reader.

    Also, if you're not too hooked on the names, I'd change them. You need unique names. Just any Tom, Dick or Harry will not do in most cases. Look at any of the baby name websites/books out there. Some will even tell you the 'meaning' of the name which I think can add to a story. Try to envision your characters based on name alone. Who do you see? I guarantee you that the readers will be doing this without even knowing it. Names can add more weight than you could imagine.

    Sorry to be so long winded. Please know that it isn't to 'pick on you' but only because I care and would like to help if I can.

  4. #14
    Chris H

    Re: Operator critique

    Star Wars did do a prologue and did do it well, but a few notes:

    1) It was very short, simple, and fun. It wasn't really required for the story, but it did add to the fun.

    2) A lot of that fun came from the cinematic qualities of the prologue which you won't get in text -- the music, the scrolling text, and the way the camera panned down after the prologue finished to the giant planet that was just out of sight.

    3) After that bit of backstory, it was all action. Other bits of world-building were revealed mainly in dialog that emerged from the plot. Your text here has the prologue, and then continues with more backstory as the chapter starts. But it sounds like you're intending to get down to the action quicker...

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