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  1. #11
    Robert MacDermant
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Oh duh...Scott baker and Casey Logan....didn't think last names were important but since you think so I already changed them in my query letter.



  2. #12
    Barnabus Jones
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    The first paragraph needs to go. You've also got a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors. The bit about Cay killing Scott after they make peace makes no sense to me. You also shouldn't mention that it's 'recently completed', that just makes it sound like a crappy first draft.

  3. #13
    Robert MacDermant
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Good idea, thanks. Well I changed that part now they set aside their personal greivences....but let me change it one more time to see if it makes sense If not I can just loose it.

    what about this?

  4. #14
    Robert MacDermant
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Good idea, thanks. Well I changed that part now they set aside their personal greivences....but let me change it one more time to see if it makes sense If not I can just loose it.

    what about this?

    Robert T MacDermant
    76 Anna street Carmel NY 10512
    Super82772@AOL.com

    Dear :

    I completed an 84,000 word science fiction novel called Operator and would be honored if you represent me.

    In the year 2483, with the solar system on the verge of war an idealistic young US army officer named Scott Baker is sent to Mars to test a new weapon. This weapon is a 40’ walking tank called the “M-1 Big Foot”, trumpeted for its maneuverability and versatility. On Mars Scott has a run in with Casey Logan a malcontent young Martian engineer when Cay’s best friend attacks Scott. Scott accidentally kills the man during the brawl and Cay joins the Free Mars movement looking for revenge. After the rebels steal five M-1’s the two wage a guerilla war that will decide the fate of not only Mars but the entire solar system. Eventually Cay and Scott come to respect one another but this does mot change the fact that they are still on opposite sides of a war. In the end Cay reluctantly kills Scott and the rebels sell their five M-1’s to the other five alliances setting the stage for a sequel.

    I chose your’ Agency because

    I am prepared to submit the finished manuscript at your’ request. If you like you can read the first chapter on my website at www.operatorprelude.blogspot.com

  5. #15
    Robert MacDermant
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    No wait forgot to take out a refernce to the first paragraph try this...

    Robert T MacDermant
    76 Anna street Carmel NY 10512
    Super82772@AOL.com

    Dear :

    I completed an 84,000 word science fiction novel called Operator and would be honored if you represent me.

    In the year 2483, with the solar system on the verge of war an idealistic young US army officer named Scott Baker is sent to Mars to test a new weapon on the belhalf of the organization of American States. This weapon is a 40’ walking tank called the “M-1 Big Foot”, trumpeted for its maneuverability and versatility. On Mars Scott has a run in with Casey Logan a malcontent young Martian engineer when Cay’s best friend attacks Scott. Scott accidentally kills the man during the brawl and Cay joins the Free Mars movement looking for revenge. After the rebels steal five M-1’s the two wage a guerilla war that will decide the fate of not only Mars but the entire solar system. Eventually Cay and Scott come to respect one another but this does mot change the fact that they are still on opposite sides of a war. In the end Cay reluctantly kills Scott and the rebels sell their five M-1’s to five international alliances opposing the OAS. This plays both ends against the middle destroying any hope of peace setting the stage for a sequel.

    I chose your’ Agency because

    I am prepared to submit the finished manuscript at your’ request. If you like you can read the first chapter on my website at www.operatorprelude.blogspot.com

  6. #16
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Robert,

    I read and commented on parts of your first chapter in the other thread.

    With respect, I don't believe you're ready to begin querying. If the chapter you posted is a representative example, I think it's vanishingly unlikely an agent would consider offering representation.

    Go back to your story. Work on it. Leave querying for another day.

    Thazz just my opinion.

    cur

  7. #17
    Robert MacDermant
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Yeah I agree in fact I'm overhaluing it at this moment. I can do both at once though.

  8. #18
    Harley *
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    You can write a query while you rewrite, but if you go ahead and send it out, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.

  9. #19
    Steven Labri
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    BTW - No one is laughing at you. We are laughing with you. HAHA it's a joke! Seriously, listen to tattler, as well as Cur and Harley and many others.

    One piece of advice;

    "Before you send out anything you need to revise and polish your story and query."

    was dead on. Here is the real truth. You can take our kidding and live with it, however the fact remains; your story is not ready. We are just being honest and like Harley said, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.

  10. #20
    Anthony Ravenscroft
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Rob't, compared to the hair-tearing & screaming often involved with writing a book (oh, okay, maybe that's just me...), writing a good query letter is ooodles more pain. And while I'm great at selling other people's stuff, flogging my own creations has all but defeated me.

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