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  1. #1
    Robert MacDermant
    Guest

    query letter critique

    This is my query letter what's your' opinion of it?

    Dear :

    I recently completed an 84,000 word science fiction novel called Operator and would be honored if you represent me.

    In the Year 2483 after three hundred years of peace the solar system is on the verge of war. Myopic UN weapons policies have led to wide spread chaos amongst the outer colonies. On Terra six international alliances form and begin vying for control of the UN and the redrafting of its charter.

    Scott is an idealistic young US army officer sent to mars to test a new weapon in preparation for the coming wars. This weapon is a 40’ walking tank called the “M-1 Big Foot”, trumpeted for its maneuverability and versatility. Cay is a malcontent young Martian engineer trying to make his way in these dangerous new times. When Scott accidentally kills Cay’s best friend in self defense he joins the free mars movement looking for revenge. After the rebels steal five M-1’s the two wage a guerilla war that will decide the fate of not only Mars and the entire solar system. Eventually Cay and Scott make peace but acknowledging that there can be no compromise Cay kills Scott. The rebels sell their five M-1’s to the other five alliances setting the stage for a sequel.

    Operator allows the reader to jump right into the story by using familiar organizations, themes and political groups. It remains fresh however by using two main characters to tell a story from opposite sides. This allows for a highly political story that will encourage debate not by making a political argument but by creating a forum for others to do so. This book is intended to be the beginning of a franchise of novels that could lead to movies, role playing games, videogames, miniature war games, comic books, and memorabilia.

    My name is Robert MacDermant and this is my first novel. I chose your’ Agency because

    I am prepared to submit the finished manuscript at your’ request. If you like you can read the first chapter on my website at www.operatorprelude.blogspot.com



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Scott is an idealistic young US army officer sent to mars

    Do these people have last names? Capitalize Mars.

    My name is Robert MacDermant and this is my first novel.

    Unnecessary. Your name should be at the top with the address and at the bottom with the signature. Also, there's no point saying it's a first novel.

    Eventually Cay and Scott make peace but acknowledging that there can be no compromise Cay kills Scott.

    They make peace and then she kills him? I'm confused.


    Operator allows the reader to jump right into the story by using familiar organizations, themes and political groups. It remains fresh however by using two main characters to tell a story from opposite sides. This allows for a highly political story that will encourage debate not by making a political argument but by creating a forum for others to do so. This book is intended to be the beginning of a franchise of novels that could lead to movies, role playing games, videogames, miniature war games, comic books, and memorabilia.


    Drop all of this, especially the last sentence.

  3. #3
    R. Radish
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    So, these guys fight those guys, huh?

    >>This book is intended to be the beginning of a franchise of novels that could lead to movies, role playing games, videogames, miniature war games, comic books, and memorabilia.

    LOL.

    >>my website at www.operatorprelude.blogspot.com
    just fyi: The color scheme on your blog got reversed. Should be dark font, light background. If you want it to be readable.

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    >>This book is intended to be the beginning of a franchise of novels that could lead to movies, role playing games, videogames, miniature war games, comic books, and memorabilia.

    LOL.


    Yeah, I had the same delusions of grandeur when I was 17. Then I grew up and got old and cynical. ;-)

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    >>This book is intended to be the beginning of a franchise of novels that could lead to movies, role playing games, videogames, miniature war games, comic books, and memorabilia.

    LOL.


    Yeah, I had the same delusions of grandeur when I was 17. Then I grew up and got old and cynical. ;-)

  6. #6
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    Oh, it did that double-posting thing again. Whoops.

  7. #7
    Janet Ford
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    I'd personally leave out the 'honored' part. Just me though - seems agents do enjoy being smooched but it comes off as groveling to me. I'd strive for more professional sounding words. And then, I'd place them in the 'I choose you because' section.

    My name is Robert MacDermant and this is my first novel.

    I'd leave this part out. Instead, see if you can come up with a good reason for them to believe that you can write for this genre - a job, education, articles, etc. Otherwise, I'd be tempted to leave it blank. "if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all..." may very well apply here.


    This book is intended to be the beginning of a franchise of novels that could lead to movies, role playing games, videogames, miniature war games, comic books, and memorabilia.

    Most websites on how to format a query letter tell you to describe marketing potential. I think you may have just misunderstood their meaning.Worded, as-is, an agent will never take you seriously and you'll find yourself in the slush pile even if you MS is excellent.

    Now all that being said... I've yet to send out my first query letter. No weight to my remarks, just opinions.

  8. #8
    Tattler
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique


    Sorry. Before you send out anything you need to revise and polish your story and query. I know you think it the next best seller but you're simply not ready. Not to be mean. We have all been there - and some still are.

  9. #9
    amy gill
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    This book is intended to be the beginning of a franchise of novels that could lead to movies, role playing games, videogames, miniature war games, comic books, and memorabilia.

    No TV show? Well then forget it.

  10. #10
    Robert MacDermant
    Guest

    Re: query letter critique

    lol wow some of you guys are mean. I came for consturctive criticism not to be laughed at. thanks for the advice though it's really helpful. Okay how's this?

    Robert T MacDermant
    76 Anna street Carmel NY 10512
    Super82772@AOL.com

    Dear :

    I recently completed an 84,000 word science fiction novel called Operator and would be honored if you represent me.

    In the Year 2483 after three hundred years of peace the solar system is on the verge of war. Myopic UN weapons policies have led to wide spread chaos amongst the outer colonies. On Terra six international alliances form and begin vying for control of the UN and the redrafting of its charter.

    Scott is an idealistic young US army officer sent to Mars to test a new weapon in preparation for the coming wars. This weapon is a 40’ walking tank called the “M-1 Big Foot”, trumpeted for its maneuverability and versatility. Cay is a malcontent young Martian engineer trying to make his way in these dangerous new times. When Scott accidentally kills Cay’s best friend in self defense he joins the free Mars movement looking for revenge. After the rebels steal five M-1’s the two wage a guerilla war that will decide the fate of not only Mars and the entire solar system. In the final chapter Cay and Scott set aside their personal grievances but acknowledging that there can be no political compromise Cay kills Scott. The rebels sell their five M-1’s to the other five alliances setting the stage for a sequel.

    I chose your’ Agency because

    I am prepared to submit the finished manuscript at your’ request. If you like you can read the first chapter on my website at www.operatorprelude.blogspot.com

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