HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 1 2
Results 11 to 19 of 19
  1. #11
    Harper
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    That said, I would keep reading if you fixed it. There's something tense and good about it.



  2. #12
    Clayton Lindemuth
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    Mar--

    Thanks. You are right with the 'sentencing' part, and that clarifies why Sail said to dump it. I agree.

    As to the tone, I'm not hearing it the way you are. Is this something where two people are going to hear it differently? The rest of the narration leads more toward him being intelligent. At some point, the voice is what it is. I wonder if we are close to that point?

    The sentence about the big dog lifting its leg is awkward because the verbs conflict. It bothered me too, but since each clause refers to a different time, I figured it was necessary. I think I'll try to bust it up to get some clarity. Thanks for pointing it out.

    Clayton

  3. #13
    Clayton Lindemuth
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    Harper--

    I'm glad to hear it--that it creates tension.

    At this point, you're not supposed to know much. Just that someone is beginning to explain something to a detective. But a couple of the things you mention are on you as the reader. I can't explain what a lucky smoke is. All I can do is make sure that if you don't know, it doesn't mean the story is inaccessible to you.

    As to who is talking, you should know there are two people. The " " are tricky because the first two paragraphs are the same individual, and I think that if readers saw it on a normal printed page, it would be evident. The way lines stretch out on this site really takes something away from how we intuit meaning from text.

    The first paragraph ends with a . not a " The next paragraph is the same speaker. Beyond that, who cares who they are? I'm showing, not telling. : )

    The narrator gets his hands on the lucky smoke by reaching for the box. Also, I haven't given you enough yet to assume that he should be in hand cuffs, or that he should not have a lighter.

    I wonder if you came at this as a reader or as a writer?

    Clayton

  4. #14
    zeplin 44
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    I am confused as to what a "lucky smoke" is, but maybe that has something to do with being a non-smoker.

    Basically, I liked it and would read more.

  5. #15
    Sail Away
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    I liked the "lucky smoke". I've never been a smoker, but I think I understand what it means - it's a quirk of the detective, maybe even an unconscious gesture. The character notices, because he notices things like that (perhaps in a sociopathic way?)and takes it to show that he is "alpha dog", or to con the detective into thinking he is.

    Is that the gist of it, Clayton? Or did I watch too many cop shows when I had a TV?

    --SA

  6. #16
    nom de plume
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    Clayton, it went well last night. Postcard from Rio to follow.

    I am a smoker but didn't understand the "lucky smoke" and flipped in the center bit either. It had a nice ring to it though. I assumed it was criminal lingo.

  7. #17
    Clayton Lindemuth
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    Zeplin--

    When I was in the Army my buddy was a smoker. He'd take a pack of Marlboro Reds and pack them, then open the box. In the front row of cigarettes, he would flip the one in the dead center and put it back in. That would be the last one in the box he smoked. It was for luck.

    We humans, basically, are pretty stupid animals. I thought it was pretty neat, though, so I included it. Thanks for the read.

    Clayton

  8. #18
    Clayton Lindemuth
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    Sail

    I'm enjoying your interpretation of the character. To a degree, everything you said is right. You're the reader. I like the Alpha dog scenario. I didn't think of it, but should have. It goes with the theme.

    Clayton

  9. #19
    john palmer
    Guest

    Re: First paragraphs of "Simplicity;" Beta request

    There is most definitely something there, but there are mechanics that need to be looked at.

    And yes, I would read on.

    “The day I stood before the judge for sentencing, they made me watch a video tape of Jeremy Rummans. He couldn’t be in court because I busted him up pretty good, so the judge agreed he could confront me by video just before sentencing.

    Is he talking to the cop here? If so, I would make that clear right away. This threw me. Yes, I see the quotation marks, but that's not enough. And it kind of reads like first person narration (with an interesting narrative voice, BTW) rather than dialog. Just me, maybe, but you need an attributive or something that does the job a lot sooner.

    “Hey, the big dog always marks his turf, and if society had to lift its leg and piss on me to show me it was boss, so be it. I’m a simple guy.”

    I like that.

    The detective sitting across from me smiled at that. [Finally, we know what's going on] I always hated these cement block rooms with the mirrored wall. You knew there were people behind [it, trying to find the lies. [The cops are behind the walls, not behind "trying to find the lies".] The detective lit up a smoke and passed it to me. I held my hand out toward the box. Like I was gonna take a cigarette he had his mouth on. I pulled his lucky smoke—the one he’d flipped in the center—and lit it.[/i] [I don't get why the flipped cigarette in the center is lucky to the cop. Am I unaware of a street thing or something?

    “Go on.” He said.

    Should be -- "Go on," he said.

    But I do think you really have something. I like the voice. There is a good, solid scene question. I find the character, and the sparring that's going on in these gestures interesting.

    Good stuff.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts