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  1. #1
    Ayo Akinfe
    Guest

    Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    Bene got the sack of pounded yam out of the larder and cut it open, he put the scissors back in the draw and then filled up the kettle and switched it on. To endure that the egusi was served pipping hot when the pounded yam was ready, he planned to wait until the pounded yam was served before heating it up. With this brand new gas cooker they had just bought, a pot of stew heated up within five minutes.

    Just as he flicked the kettle switch on, Bene felt Tonye’s hands cover his eye and her soft voice say: “Sssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh. You are not allowed to reach out or turn around until I say so,” to which he answered OK. She then asked him if he had any utensils on and after he said it was just the kettle which would turn itself off when the water reached boiling point, she took he hands away and asked him to turn round. To his amazement, she was standing there stark naked with her chest heaving and a coy smile on her face.

    He reached out and cupped both of her breasts and began to fondle them and then started sucking on her right nipple, moving his right hand down inbetween he legs and began to stroke her moist hair. With her labia parting before him, he pushed his index finger as far forward as he could and began driving it in and out, while his sucking got more frantic. Realising that hey were moving too fast and getting carried away too quickly, Tonye pushed him back gently but firmly and suggested that get on with the cooking or they would both starve. Bene protested but she crossed her legs and placed her hands across her chest as if she was saying no entry.

    Accepting defeat, Bene shrugged in resignation and turned back to the kettle, flicking it back on and reached for the sack of pounded yam. Just as he was reaching for a pot to pour the hot water into, he felt her breasts against his back and stood still as the full effects of the tender flesh against him sank in. Just as he was beginning to enjoy it, she reached round and undid his zip and began to gently stroke him, making him hard and rigid. Knowing that if he pushed things again, Tonye might call it off, Bene just stood there and let her dictate the pace of events.

    She was now pressing very tightly against him and working him with both hands, while nibbling his neck gently. By now the kettle had switched itself off again and Bene had no intention of putting on again, so rather than reach out for it, he put his hands behind him and grabbed hold of Tonye’s buttocks. She moaned as he squeezed her and suddenly turned him around so they were now facing each other. Bene cupped the cheeks of her buttocks with both hands and before they knew it, their tongues were in each other’s mouths and they were clasped as tight as the lips of a closed purse.

    Rather instinctively, Bene grabbed her and lifted her up on to the kitchen surface still holding on tightly. He then moved his hands back to her breasts and began fondling until he could feel both of her nipples go hard. Moaning by now, Tonye grabbed hold of Bene and guided him into her, literally sucking him in as he penetrated her. Both of them were so worked up by now that they began thrusting so quickly that it was all over within a few minutes.

    Satiated and tired, they remained still and held each other for five minutes while they caught their breaths back. Luckily for them, there was some kitchen roll within reach, so Bene could reach out for it while still in Tonye’s arms. They cleaned up and Tonye said she was off to have a shower. Leaving Bene to finish off the meal, she dashed off to the bathroom returning to the living room in nothing but a pair of panties later, as they both sat down to eat a meal and watch the western movie Bene had placed in the DVD player.

    Just before dawn, Baribor and Tonye got back from the Hilton. They had enjoyed the film and had a thoroughly splendid time at the disco, trying their best to match the moves of the teenagers and latch on to the latest moves in rap music. They decided to leave because they were running out of breath and knew that very soon, the rigours of the night would start to catch up on them. They tiptoed into the flat but to there surprise lying right there on the couch stark naked were Bene and Tonye. Looking around and the vast amounts of toilet roll, they could tell what had happened but eager not to disturb them, they moved quietly into the bedroom. Baribor later got a blanket and covered them and then went back to join Elameyi in bed.


    At about 1.00pm, both sets of couples woke up and stumbled into the kitchen for coffee. A few hours earlier, Tonye had woken up to go to the toilet and realising how they had fallen to sleep, had woken Bene up and asked him to come into the bedroom. He had dragged himself along, not even bothering to take along the blanket Baribor had covered them with. On their way to bed, they could hear Elameyi’s groans as Baribor slid in and out of her, reminiscent of what they had been doing a few hours earlier. Too tired to care, they just walked past as if nothing was happening.



  2. #2
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    Hey, Ayo

    That was pretty good. There were a couple of things I want to mention, though. The first is that (and I'm assuming by your name you're not completely "English-ized" ) your sentences read as if from someone not completely at ease with English (Eho is, you ask? good question! . Punctuation clean-ups would help tremendously this excerpt (and, I presume, your other works) read more effectively for the Reader.

    The other thing is that the "telling" is a bit overdone, in my opinion. It's sort of hard to explain regarding the areas other than when she suggests something (have her say it with dialogue), but I'll try to give you something. It almost feels like a whirl of activity mashed into a paragraph. Now, I realize that may be the effect you're going for--which is understandable--but, IMO, it feels <U>too</U> mashed.

    All of that being said, you do have a pretty good "eye" in making the sex scene come to life. I did feel it.

  3. #3
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    Jeez. I just read back my post and see that I'm not completely English-ized either! !!! But, hopefully, the stuff up there is clear enough to get something from it.

  4. #4
    Ayo Akinfe
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    Not being funny Patrick but did the writing take you to the scene or get you into the grove if you know what I mean? I am asking because I want to know if it is too crude and needs cuting back a bit, not good enough or just fine as it is.

    I take your point about "telling." It is something I am working on at the minute. I kind of have to "tell" first and then come back and "show." Time consuming but it appears to work.

  5. #5
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    It did. That feeling would ease some when words like "labia" or "buttocks" made an appearance. So, perhaps a better flow would allow the "tension" to build evenly.

    It's tough to write "almost-graphic" sex scenes. I'm pretty adept at going all-out (more so when I'm doing "hood" tales), but when it comes to attempting to write for a more general--and less shock absorbent--audience, it's a bit tougher. When do you use "penis" and when do you use the terms more common? When do you use "labia" and when do you use "lips"? It's tough territory....

    P.S. As to the answer about whether or not it needs to be cut or left as-is, I'd say it depends on what audience you're trying to get. Some folks avoid XXX like the plague, and others are like magnets to it. Now, the folks who avoid XXX because they truly believe it to be wrong combined with those who "front" as if it is wrong is a <U>whole lot bigger</U> than the folks who are open--and willing to go to it--about it. That being said, you should know before you even write who you're going after because it changes the whole style...to a certain extent.

  6. #6
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    That ***** up there begins with "p" and ends in "s" with "eni" in the middle

  7. #7
    Ayo Akinfe
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    I do not want to go on about this in case some of our female colleagues get a bit offended but I think this is just about right for the audience I am aiming at. This book is not primary targeted at bog standard middle-aged, middle class English and American readers.

  8. #8
    Cathy C
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    This is an awfully long passage with no dialogue and no real emotions expressed. Male readers won't have any problem with this, but if you're looking for female readers--they're going to want more from this scene. You could easily double the impact of this by adding more interaction between the people. Yeah, sometimes people have "quickies" but you seem to be hinting in places that this is a significant moment between them. I'd take the time to make it more "real." JMHO, of course.

  9. #9
    Ayo Akinfe
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    Thanks Cathy. Nice to get a female perspective on the piece. I have a few more questions I would have liked you to answer but I am not sure whether I should ask them or not.

  10. #10
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: Warning: 18 material: Is this OTT?

    Yeah, that's another tough thing about writing these scenes, in that women and men have a vast difference in what "gets" them. I agree with Cathy that you could add more emotion (which I think you said is already in your process-line)--while keeping it gritty--and capture some of those women readers to add to the already-captured men.

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