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  1. #1
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    100: Church Love

    "This doesn't mean we're already bored with each other, does it?" Gina asked.

    Howard blushed. "No, not at all. In fact, I think it means we have so much to talk about that we don't know where to begin."

    "Okay, I like that better," Gina said. "Besides, I'd hate to think I won't get to know more about you."

    Howard stuffed his hands into his pockets, and then he said, "So, Gina...you think it would be okay with your mother if you and I went to the church social together this coming Friday?"



  2. #2
    mar quesa
    Guest

    Re: 100: Church Love

    Patrick,

    It’s hard to suggest anything as the context isn’t obvious. I mean, what are they talking about?

    On the other hand, the dialogue structure is great. It reads and flows well.

    This is just a nitpick. You may want to rework the last sentence a bit more.

    “Howard stuffed his hands into his pockets and said,... (alternatively, you can add a bit of action after pockets eg. and jiggled (fidgeted with) some coins, stared at his shoes…(and then alter sentence as needed)).

  3. #3
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: 100: Church Love

    Good point on both, mar quesa.

    The scene is set outside of church (immediately following the session), and these two are diggin' each other. Tried to show the awkwardness that's in churchfolk, especially the teenagers. Initially, I showed some nervousness in Gina, but it didn't flow right; besides, she's gonna spur him on--get him movin' in the "right" direction.

    (And thanks for dialogue comment )

    And that's a very good point about the action in the pocket. We don't want anyone thinking he was doing "other" things. KIDDING! !!! I will add something to that (probably the coins). Thanks

  4. #4
    R. Radish
    Guest

    Re: 100: Church Love

    ...yeah, agree w/mq--has a natural, easy flow that suggests the writer trusts his story, has enough confidence to exercise restraint and allow the story [scene] to unfold and show itself without over-doing things. First line has tension; second line releases it, and starts a new cycle ["...where to begin."]

  5. #5
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: 100: Church Love

    Thanks, R.

  6. #6
    R. Radish
    Guest

    Re: 100: Church Love

    Additional thought, nothing major:

    Would it be consistent with your story world to change the "church social" into a [church-sponsored] dance? "Dance" is specific, concrete, with vivid associated imagery; "social" is fuzzier...I guess I see a bunch of people standing around talking?

    In this dialog, they're metaphorically "dancing," and actual dancing can be a metaphor for...you know.

  7. #7
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: 100: Church Love

    Excellent point. Besides, we [the Readers] will get the "church" part ourselves. If not, I could even have the pastor mention it in his sermon earlier.

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