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  1. #1
    A L Stark

    100: Dark Asylum

    Prologue, first paragraph:

    Recoiling, he forcefully shut himself from the insidious assault. Unreason crept nearer, threatening to break through his barricade. This fear was not the familiar Beast-in-the-Woodshed night terrors of his early childhood, nor even the heart-pounding apprehension that comes just before the calm of facing a man down. He was slipping toward a gaping chasm of hysteria and a part of him was eager to peer over the edge. If he lost what little he held of this sheltered corner, this man, this mirror image of his father would reach into his core and rip his very soul from him.

  2. #2
    R. Radish

    Re: 100: Dark Asylum

    The language, the word choices, tell me about:
    forcefully...insidious assault...creeping...threats...fear...beasts...ter rors...heart-pounding...hysteria....rip his soul...

    ....so why am I not engaged? I feel disengaged, uninvolved, excluded. I want to know what's going on, but I'm frustrated, promised something that isn't delivered. I wonder, why won't the writer clue me in? Because he's so wrapped up in overheated description that he forgot about the reader?

  3. #3
    Patrick Edwards

    Re: 100: Dark Asylum

    A L, I'm gonna have to roll with R. on this one. Maybe you could break down the paragraph to its core and THEN--if you must--add in a colorful phrase or two. But do it so it catches me and holds me for a while...until I get to the next one.

    I'd bet there's something very interesting in your story.

  4. #4
    Nick Dobbie

    Re: 100: Dark Asylum

    To paint a picture with words one needs to apply paint to the canvas rather than spend too much effort mixing the colours.

    Sometimes only black and white outlines are needed to convey the picture. Never underestimate your reader's internal palette.

  5. #5
    A L Stark

    Re: 100: Dark Asylum

    Thanks, guys. Thought I maybe went just a taaad overboard punching it up on the rewrite. =} Try, try again.

  6. #6

    Re: 100: Dark Asylum

    Yeah. A tad.

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