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  1. #11
    Harper
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    These are imperfect -- the transitional word between "fell" and "dark bead" is a problem I can't quite solve -- but better than the alliteration:


    Her heart beat in her throat as a single dark burgundy drop hung a long age, and fell, glistening, a dark bead on an upturned fold of blanket.

    Her heart beat in her throat as a single dark burgundy drop hung a long age, and fell, a dark bead glistening on an upturned fold of blanket.


    Her heart beat in her throat as a single dark burgundy drop hung a long age, glistened in the fire-light, and fell, into a dark bead on an upturned fold of blanket.


    Her heart beat in her throat as a single dark burgundy drop hung a long age, and fell, a dark bead on an upturned fold of blanket.


    You have a nice feeling for language; I'm sure you'll come up with something good. You will probably find people who prefer the alliteration because it sounds "poetic," and it may be hard to ditch it because you might think so too, but be ruthless. You have a good, subtle, probably innate understanding of the rhythm and music of language; you don't need the obvious, over-the-top stuff. Anything that calls attention to itself in the way those "f's" do is going to detract from the flow of your narrative.



  2. #12
    Harper
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    I think that "into a dark bead...." might be the best of the above choices, but play around with it.

    Harper

  3. #13
    john palmer
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    While the alliterative f's are extreme, I think that they are justified here. It strikes me as a tad pedantic to think otherwise. "Rules" can be broken if the result warrants it. Here, I believe it does.

  4. #14
    Harper
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    Good writing is in the details. "Rules" don't have anything to do with it, in this case. It's just outdated, overblown, and unnecessary, and good writing is none of those things.

  5. #15
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    Hmmm...well, the first thing I noticed is that a drop of blood that falls "through flickering fire-lit space" will not "settle in a dark bead" on anything. It will spot or fleck something, but it will not bead. The only time a drop of blood beads is if it's very, very close to the thing on which it falls which negates falling "through flickering fire-lit space".

  6. #16
    john palmer
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    Okay, I'll say this and then retire from the field.

    A single dark burgundy drop hung a long age as her heart beat in her throat; finally falling through flickering fire-lit space to settle in a dark bead on an upturned fold of blanket.

    Whether current convention disapproves or not, to me, the fs work. The first two slow the word pace, which echoes their sense, making it a fine piece of writing. The remaining fs underscore the contrast between the beauty of the setting with the ugliness of the antagonist, which is pretty cool, too. This is functional rather than gratuitous alliteration.

    The assonance and consonance in the preceding phrase is pretty cool, also.

    I'm really impressed.

    There, I'm done.

  7. #17
    john palmer
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    On an unrelated matter, I saw a forensics show on television a few minutes ago in which a drop of blood was dripped from a pipette to simulate a piece of evidence that had been examined, and when it hit the fabric, it did, indeed, leave a bead.

  8. #18
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: 100: Into Devil's Gap

    Not from any appreciable height, it didn't - say maybe three or four feet, if Stark's man is standing. A drop of blood behaves just like any other liquid upon impact at the end of a fall...it either flattens or splatters, depending on what it hits.

    Of course, if the distance it falls is just a few inches, then it would bead, and in Stark's case, the blanket would absorb it in a few minutes.

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