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Thread: for critique...

  1. #1
    Aaron Distor

    for critique...

    hello dear writers of the world.
    my name is aaron distor. im a high school sophomore given an assignment to creat a short story. i would really appreciate it if you could please take the time to critique my work. your criticism is highly encouraged. thank you.

    By: Aaron Distor
    I was alone. Everyone had stopped caring for me, even myself. Just as I picked up the weapon that would reap my life, past memories flashed before me. I was all set to blow my brains out until I remembered the girl.
    I can recall the sky being clear that day. The sun’s warm, comfortable rays had compensated for the frigid air. I stepped into the main office not knowing that destiny had arranged its plans for me. With birds chirping outside the window, I was distracted from retrieving my application to the University. I was a new student signing up for the upcoming semester. Determined to keep my bargain with my parents, my goals were simple; accomplish as much as possible.
    The University was beautiful. On my way to the dorm, my home for the next year, I had noticed the friendly environment that surrounded the campus. Smiles, greetings, and even short conversations were exchanged. When I had reached the dorm room, my roommate Ron had seemed sympathetic enough. “Hey! You’re the new guy right?” I nodded yes. With an attempt to make me feel at home, his impersonation of acting like a Greek god made me laugh. “Welcome! To University Olympus! Where all your wildest fantasies run untamed.” He didn’t seem that much of an average student. Laziness and procrastination was said to ruin a man’s genius; Ron was a groomed example.
    The bell had rung for class to begin and I wasn’t finished getting settled into my dorm room. Dropping my belongings along my side of the room, I rushed to class. My first period was U.S. government, and I strongly believed in first impressions always make the best ones. Conspicuously getting a seat in class, I sighed in relief. “ Just in time.”
    As I became familiar with the class, a screeching voice was heard disrupting the professor “Okay I’ll see you later honey!” my ears had never heard such an overbearing tone.
    The professor with a glare greeted the female who had been tardy. “What, don’t pretend as if you didn’t miss me over the summer professor!” The professor then responds sarcastically, “ Of course Ms. Nguyen, I’ve missed you so, now please take a seat.” She snobs the professor and looks for an empty seat in the room. Unfortunately the only seat left in the room was right next to me. I prayed silently so she would ask someone else to move and sit next to me instead.
    She headed toward my way, “Excuse me, but is this seat taken?” before I could respond she made herself comfortable in the chair already. “Well I suppose that now it isn’t a problem is it?” then she looks up at me as if she had recognized me from a previous meeting. I was dazed in her hazel eyes, and I can only assume that she was staring back at mine. Time and space stopped briefly before a large figure had blocked our view of one another. We both snapped out of our spell with a slap in the face with reality.
    He was a total brute. With no manners and no intention of letting the professor know that he was there, he manipulated the class as if it were his own. Telling smart-aleck jokes, laughing a loud, and telling other people what to do. When he finally was exhausted from standing he looks to me and tells me to move. At that moment, I was very agitated to see the type of person he is, so I refused to move out of my seat. “What did you say?” I stood up and stared at his monstrous size and replied, “I said, ‘No!’ I’m not going to move out of my seat.” The bell rings for the hour break. “Whew, thank goodness!” I thought. “ This ain’t over yet buddy.” But before he walks out the young lady that I was captivated with, slipped me a note. “Nice Work, for a new guy. Meet me out in the court yard at 10 o’clock tonight.” I smiled with great happiness. With the hour break at hand, other students were already talking about my confrontation. I asked Ron who he was, “Dude, he’s the star quarter back and captain of the football team! And you stood up to him! No ones seen anything like that since, ‘Revenge of the Nerds! People are going to look up to you man.” With tons of questions rambling through my head, the only thing that I was concentrating on was the young woman I met today.
    It was 9:55pm and Ron explained to me the consequences of being caught after curfew. “Suspension AND work detail man, you sure you want to risk this by meeting some bimbo out in the court yard?” “Yep,” I said, “ I don’t know anything about her, yet I have this need to see her.” “ Alright man, go do you thing ‘Romeo’” I snuck out our dorm room through the window and slid down the tree next to it. I saw her standing beneath the moonlight waiting for me.
    It was there we bonded. She told me that her name was Carolyn. Together we stood underneath the stars. The whole night, until the sun had risen, we spoke about one another asking countless questions. Carolyn then asked me,“ So what was your first kiss like?” I was hesitant to answer. “Well Carolyn it was something like this.” And I kissed her. Kissing her may have been the biggest mistake but it had felt so right. She pulled away from me and that’s when I remembered that that tyrant I confronted was her boyfriend. Her ill tempered, conceited, and over-protective boyfriend would be looking for her in morning.
    We rushed from the courtyard to the other side of the University’s wing, hoping that no one had seen us. Students were already walking through the hallways “Damn early birds!” she giggled when she heard me say that. We made it just in time for her to change her clothes. I walked her to the entrance of the women’s dormitory and kissed her on the cheek. Eagerly trying not to look too suspicious, I walked by myself to the room.
    “Holy Crap! You just got in now!?!” Ron said with a surprised look on his face. “Yeah, last night was amazing!” “Oh man, Skyler’s been looking for Carolyn all morning, man.” “He was? Did he come through here?” “ HaHa. I’m just joking Mr. Romeo, so, how was Ms. Juliet?” I told had told Ron everything that happened last night. Trusting him was easy. He was my friend, yet alone my roommate.
    My secret relationship with Carolyn lasted for months. Until, on a cloudy day, she came running into my arms. With everyone watching I did the only thing I could do, comfort her. Skyler came following her with eyes filled with rage. I whispered to her, “What’s wrong Carolyn? Did he hurt you?” she continued to sob. Skyler made his approach and said, “ So this is where you spend you busy nights eh? And all this time I thought that you were just studying! How could I have been so stupid?” his verbal abuse went on and on until I socked him in the face. “Don’t you dare talk to her that way! You don’t even know half the woman she is!” Skyler stood up and had knocked me out in one punch. Carolyn’s voice was all that I could remember hearing when I was in that ambulance. Feeling the touch of her fingers made me feel better. “ At least we’re finally together now.”
    After that incident with Skyler, Carolyn and I began to grow apart. For some apparent reason, I was losing her. On our way to class, I leaned forward to give her a kiss on the cheek but she refused it. I thought that it was strange at first. As the day grew longer, she started to ignore me. What I hated most was being ignored; she knew that. I couldn’t understand what was going on. Pain struck my heart. Desperately I want to hear her sweet voice tell me that she loves me. But she had nothing to say to me.
    It was our second year together, and I had put up with her stubbornness for months to. I told her that there was something important that I needed to ask her. She told me that she had something to say to me as well. We both decided to meet at the same place we shared our first kiss. I stood there remembering how much her beauty hasn’t changed since that night. She was nervously asking me what it was that I needed to tell her. As I got down onto my knee she gasped and said for me to wait and hear what she had to say.
    It ended that night. All that I had been working for was for nothing. She told me that she wasn’t happy anymore. We both graduated and went our separate ways. When I arrived home, all that I could think about was Carolyn. My parents didn’t understand how I felt. My friends didn’t seem to care anymore. So I thought that suicide would be the best way out. I didn’t need to live anymore. I gave my parents what they wanted. They wanted a son with a college degree; I gave them a son with a college degree. Life had seemed meaningless with out Carolyn. And I knew that some how, taking my life would bring her back to me. So I purchased a gun. I decided to play a little Russian roulette. I loaded the gun with only two bullets and spun it. Click after click, I waited until I had realized that the gun had gone through all six clicks. The bullets were still there.
    All that I can remember next was a white light. After the white light there was an annoying sound. It sounded like an alarm clock. And I opened my eyes. As I opened them I was hugging Carolyn. “Is everything ok sweetheart? Your hearts racing.” I felt my chest, and it was racing. “I’m fine Carolyn, lets just go back to bed.” It was just a dream; a dream that I would never forget.

  2. #2
    MR Ross

    Re: for critique...

    I read about half. I don't dislike it or like it. Its flat somehow, cant quite tell why. Im also finding it hard to beleive at times.
    The tense is all over the place. I didnt find anywhere to rest either. The story comes on fast and hard. Grammar issues too caused me to reread several times. Particularly durung dialog.

  3. #3
    Sheila Dreckman

    Re: for critique...

    This story is not good, but at 16 why should it be? But it's not bad either. Your story has a beginning, a middle, and a quirky ending. If I were your English teacher, I would give you a B. I'd be interested to hear what your teacher gives you. Are you interested in becoming a writer, or is this just a class assignment? If you want to be a writer, study grammar first and read, read, read. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Patrick Edwards

    Re: for critique...

    Hey, Aaron

    I'm sorta new to this site, thus the lateness of my response. However, just in case you get a chance to revise whatever you turned in, let me give you some criticism, praise, and advice.

    First off, whenever you are asking others (especially strangers!) to read something you've written, be sure to make it as easy as possible on the eyes. No matter how well-written your story is, if I just see a huge block of words, I'm less likely to want to finish it. I, also, was unable to finish. Also, I'm not quite sure if you DID do this, but if not, another thing you always want to do is to make sure each speaker (of dialogue) receives their own paragraph. E.g.,

    "So, what was your first kiss like?" Caroline asked.(Press enter)
    I was hesitant, but I managed, "Well, Carolyn, it was something like this."

    That would be one way to make your story clearer and more of a flow. And I guarantee your teacher will give you points just for presentation.

    The praise I want to heap on you is the fact that you are only a sophomore and putting yourself out there for criticism. That's damn commendable. I only wish I had been able to do something like this when I was your age.

    As for some advice, my main thing would be for you to find some books you can read and learn from. There are thousands (maybe more than that ) of books on writing that can help you out. Perhaps one to start out on (assumign you haven't already) is Stephen King's On Writing. It doesn't focus that hard on grammar rules, but it's a basic overview of writing that I think can be labeled "fun."

    Hopefully, this helps. And, again, kudos for reaching out.

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