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Thread: for critique...

  1. #1
    Aaron Distor
    Guest

    for critique...

    salutations again everyone,
    im aaron distor, and im a sophomore. i was given the assignment to write a short story. i havent finished my story yet but i was hoping if anyone would take the time to see if im on the right track to a good short story. much criticism and any input, positive or negative would be appreciated. thanks.

    An endless dream
    By: Aaron Distor
    He was alone now. No one cared anymore; at least no one he knew of. He didn’t care, and just before he picked up the weapon that would reap his life, his life’s memory had flashed before him in an instant; and so SHE came to mind. Thus, a sweet memory of HER was summoned.

    The skies were clear that day. The sun’s warm, comfortable rays compensated for the cold frigid air, and he walks into the room. He walks into the room not knowing that his fate had been already sealed. “ Just another normal day on a college campus.” so he thought. Langdon was new to the university. In fact he was new to the city, to that whole side of the world. All Langdon wanted was to finish his education and keep up with the bargain he had made with his parents to attend school on the mainland. He had promised them a “better” and “brighter” future, for all of them, for his parents and his two younger siblings. Just as he was about to take his seat he noticed the friendly environment that just sat in the atmosphere. It had the very scent of kindness, until she had walked in.

    With his observations, he noticed an arrogant female walk into the classroom, and once she walked in he played close attention to what her behavior was to their new classmates. Her behavior mesmerized him, she reminded him of the one thing he wanted most after being so far from, his home. She took a quick glance around the room and had discovered some friends she had known from high school. Evidently her heavenly voice greeted her companions, from not hearing from them for so long. Easily noticing, Langdon had eased dropped some information of his own. He found out that this angels name was, Carolyn.

    Carolyn’s sweet personality hypnotized Langdon. She also seemed to be infatuated with him as well. Their infatuation for one another didn’t last very long, when Langdon noticed a huge character wearing a sports jacket approached Carolyn and gave her a kiss on the cheek and sat next to her. “A close friend I hope.” He sat down thinking to himself, “Why would she look into my eyes and daze like that if she didn’t like me too?” As the day progressed he felt the need to see her again and again. Thoughts rambled through his head about being with her in a relationship of any kind. After another class together he had spoken to her for the first time, he had stuttered their exchange of hellos and had blown his shot for a good first impression.
    “ Ha-uh-hell-uh, hi?”
    “Well Hello to you too”, she says giggling,
    ‘My name’s Carolyn Welling, pleasure to meet you Mr.?”
    “Oh uh, its uh, Langdon miss, Langdon Distor…”
    They gazed into one another’s eyes as if time and space had frozen. His stare had this sort of affectionate meaning; Langdon notices a large figure moving towards them again. A brute that goes by the name of Skyler was her over-protective boyfriend. He was the captain and star quarter back of the University’s football team, and was loved by all on campus. Apparently, Carolyn wasn’t pleased at all by the way he greeted Langdon. A slap on the chest and a “What sup?” was all that he said to him, being insulted, ashamed, and embarrassed enough, Langdon had fled the scene unnoticed to his dorm room on the other side of campus.
    His roommate had seemed quaint enough. Just to stay out of his way was all he had planned. “Keep out of Ron’s way,” was all he thought when in his room. Ron didn’t seem much of the average student. He was academically advanced and had even been promoted to higher classes because of his genius. But, laziness and procrastination can really ruin an individual, and Ron was a well-put example.
    “What are you doing later on Langdon?” said Ron. “Any plans?” “Well there is this one girl that I want to “coincidentally” bump into later on before curfew.” “Who again Langdon?” “Her names Carolyn…” “Whoa whoa, you mean Carolyn Welling?!” asked Ron in astonishment. “Okay buddy, good luck with that one. You’re gonna need a little something called a miracle!” Hesitant to ask, “Why would I need that for? Is there something wrong with her? What?” Ron’s scuffs and thinks for a few moments as Langdon paces the room as if he were a lion. “ Dude, she’s the most popular girl in our University, not to mention the over-protective boyfriend, and,” he pauses. “And what? What is it!?!” “Well my friend, she’s just way to out of your league.”



  2. #2
    Jerry Springer
    Guest

    Re: for critique...

    Try replacing the first paragraph with this:

    He was all set to blow his brains out until he remembered the girl.

    Move on from there, simplifying as you go.

  3. #3
    MKC King
    Guest

    Re: for critique...

    Aaron,
    It's a good start. Get your hands on a writing book and learn how to write dialog, in the last paragraph you crammed it all into one paragraph. Also, you are switching between past and present tense, keep it consistent.

    Have you tried reading this out loud? Is this really your voice? Does it feel comfortable for you to speak this way? You may want to simplify. Try writing it as if you're telling the story to a friend.

    Hey, by the way, shouldn't you be out of school for the summer?

  4. #4
    Alex Richardson
    Guest

    Re: for critique...

    Aaron, I think you should change the name "Langdon", it reminds me too much of Da Vinci code. Also, don't call her arrogant female, call her arrogant girl. In fact, you shouldn't even do that, instead show somehow that she's arrogant. Put a bit more dialogue in. I hope that helps you.

    -Alex

  5. #5
    Louise Delaney
    Guest

    Re: for critique...

    Aaron

    I take it that English is not your first language. If that is the case then reading is really what you should do a lot of - in between studying English grammar and spelling.

    Louise

  6. #6
    Naomi B.
    Guest

    Re: for critique...

    Aaron, it does need work, but I like your topic. I think almost everyone has had a college crush that did not go well.

    Where does it need work? Start with verb tense and grammar by getting your hands on The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

    N.

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