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  1. #51
    MR Ross

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Is this a joke?

  2. #52
    Michelle King

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    That last one was much better. What is motivating you to write? Do you want to write a best seller or are you just trying this on for size?

    I respect the fact that you want to remain true to your style but I think you're mistaking lack of knowledge and experience for style.

    You can educate yourself on the basics of writing and still remain true to your style.

    There are some very basic mistakes that you are making that a class in creative writing would really help you with. (Which may be motivating others to re-write your stuff, sometimes writing is instinctual and only come from years of experience. Ross is having a hard time helping you without re-writing because he can't put into words what comes naturally to him, ironically.)

    With that said, I think you've made a lot of progress and I'll continue to read whatever you write.

  3. #53
    Richard Clunan

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    when you ask people not to rewrite what you wrote, i think youre right but i believe there's two reasons for that. one is what you said, another is that youre not gonna learn your grammar mistakes that quickly. i think you have made some progress in terms of building up a picture of the scene. But i think there's less progress in terms of grammar.

    here's an example, this is yours:
    Dominic Stryladus walked through a tunnel that was beneath the streets of a city and he felt discomfort by inhaling the damp, stale air. Dominic then gently brushed a hand through a large cobweb

    here's mine:
    Dominic Stryladus walked through a tunnel that was beneath the streets of a city and he felt discomfort by inhaling the damp, stale air. Dominic gently brushed a hand through a large cobweb

    This is not a rewrite, Ive only changed one thing - one word. I think you could see this change as a correction. Would you agree that mine is more 'correct'? And if so, can you say why? The two options actually have two differnt meanings - yours can be correct if it means something slightly different, but i think you mean what i wrote. - if youre not sure and you want me to explain the difference, just ask.

    (i'm not sure if there's an analogy with this in graphic design)

  4. #54
    Jeanne Gassman

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?


    I'm going to take Richard's comments one step further. The grammar problems I see are related to sentence structure, time, POV, and some basic comma usage. In truth, these aren't horrible errors, but they show a limited understanding of good usage and make your writing feel stilted.

    For example, you fall back too often on the compound sentence:
    subject predicate and subject predicate

    Some sentences that fit into this pattern include:
    Dominic S. walked...and he felt
    rat scurried and Dominic could hear
    He came ... and... soldiers guarded
    One shined...and Dominic squinted

    These sentences follow in rapid succession, each one implying that first this happened and then this happened. I'm not sure that this is your intent. In the very first sentence, for example, don't you really mean that Dominic is uncomfortable from the damp, stale air AS he walks through the tunnel? That's a different meaning than what you've written here.

    Someone has suggested this before. Read your work aloud. Even better, get someone else to read it to you. You need to hear the awkward phrasing, the misplaced comma, the wrong word choice, the stuffy dialogue. Once you begin to hear it, you'll be able to see yourself how to fix it.

    The other thing I would caution you about is re-writing the same thing over and over. Every new scene, every new story offers different challenges you need to conquer. If you focus only on one excerpt, you won't improve your craft. You will only improve that excerpt.

    I play violin as a vocation. I have spent hours and hours practicing scales and etudes, music that will never be performed. But that practice makes the performance music (just finished playing in Copeland's "Rodeo") easier. My fingers have memorized the path of common note patterns, and when I encounter those patterns in an orchestral part, I can play them without thinking about them.

    You need to reach this level in your writing. The best way to do that is to recognize that some writing is just practice scales, and it's time to move on to something more challenging. Then you apply the skills you've learned from the practice to the material that has potential for publication.

    Just my thoughts.


  5. #55
    Anthony Ravenscroft

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Please correct my impression if I'm off-base...

    I'm confused.

    You want my opinion.

    And if I think it should be better, I need to be fairly specific.

    But if I give specific examples, then you're going to ignore my opinion because it would mess with your style.


    Let me also make a more general statement. I went to a decent cow-town college. By the time I was 19, I had a radio show, a weekly column in the campus paper, & a fiancee.

    Two of the best things that happened to me were my composition instructors.

    One of my regrets from my college years is that I didn't at least attempt to pad my schedule with every writing-related course I could get my mitts on.

    Steven C, Jeanne is correct, & far too polite. I'll say that you do not have a style worth defending. You can choose to overcome that lack, or not. But it'd be helpful to us nosy types if you decide which way you want to go right now & state this clearly & publicly.

    In short: do you want to refine your style... or do you want to move beyond term-paper prose?

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