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  1. #1
    Steven clifford
    Guest

    A little writing. what do you guys think?

    A man walked through an abandon tunnel that was beneath the streets of a city. He made way to a tarnished metal gate, and there were guards protecting it. They shined a light at the man and he put a hand over his eyes.
    “Name and code!” the guard said.
    “Stryladus, Dominic. One, four, eight, two, seven, seven, three, six, nine,”
    The light was pointed away from Dominic’s face.
    “Welcome sir,”
    “At ease,” Dominic replied.
    The gate’s lock slid off and it squeaked as it opened. The inside was very dark and the floor had a cover of muck.
    When he entered the base, fellow soldiers saluted as he walked further in.



  2. #2
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for.

    It's not what I would consider a very interesting passage. Content-wise it's forgettable. There are also some grammatical and sentence structure issues.

    There's nothing here that would make me want to turn the page.

  3. #3
    Steven clifford
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    You always give negative constructive criticism no matter what, as if you enjoy it. You don’t show any example. Its either black or white with no shades of gray.

    Is there anybody out there that can help me, because this guy cant

  4. #4
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Steven, why post your work if you can't stand to get an opinion you don't like? There's nothing nasty in Simon's post.

    Truth is, there isn't anything particularly interesting about what you posted. I assume the interest comes as the scene expands and the situation becomes more compelling. A paragraph like this, standing alone, simply doesn't have much meaning to anyone but you. Nothing exciting is happening, and the language isn't unique.

    So what the heck do you want from us? To tell you it's fabulous? Maybe try posting more of it - an entire page - so that we have some clue as to the direction of the work and how this opening leads to something more engaging.

  5. #5
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Steven

    I have tried to help and I suggested very early on that you take the time to learn how to write - that you take a class or workshop. I suggested that more than once, incidentally.

    It was the single best suggestion I could make. And I tried to make it as delicately as possible. The fact is you do not appear to understand the basics of grammar and sentence construction, let alone how to tell a story. If you want to be a writer - you will need to learn these things and you will not learn them on a board like this - it is not the proper venue for learning. I work with writers - I help writers become better writers but I could not even begin to help you on this board because you don't have a basic grasp of the fundamentals. You need to learn how to walk before you can run and you can't possibly write a compelling narrative if you can't structure a sentence properly.

    You may think I'm negative - but no other input you get on this board will be as helpful as my suggestion, provided of course that you take that suggestion.

    You may think I'm mean for saying this - but it's a lot kinder than giving advice that you clearly do not understand or serving up platitudes like "keep working, on it Steve" which I've seen others do. Take some sort of grammar course, then take a course on fiction writing or English literature.

  6. #6
    Steven clifford
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    How is it now?

    A man walked through a tunnel that was beneath the city’s street. He made his way to a tarnished metal gate that was protected by guards. They shined a light at the man’s face and he put his hand over his eyes.
    “Name and code!” the guard asked.
    “Stryladus, Dominic. One, seven, seven, three,”
    The light was pointed away from Dominic’s face.
    “Welcome sir,” the guard said
    “At ease,” Dominic replied.
    The strained gate squeaked and clanked as it opened. Inside was very dark and the floor was covered in muck. He entered the base and fellow soldiers saluted him as he walked further in.

  7. #7
    MR Ross
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Steven,

    Im not sure what sort of feedback you're looking for with a passage like this. It this the opening of your story?

  8. #8
    Steven clifford
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Just if its good or not. I'm not sure where this passage will be yet, just kinda wrote it. My novel is all over the place, wriing in the middle, the begining and back again.

    Here is a better draft

    A man walked through a tunnel that was beneath the city’s street and an updraft gave a cold chill. He made his way to a tarnished metal gate that was protected by guards that kept close watch. They shined a light at the man’s face, blinding his sight and he squinted as he put his hand over his eyes.
    “Name and code!” the guard asked, yelling assertively.
    “Stryladus, Dominic. One, seven, seven, three,” he shouted back.
    The light was pointed away from Dominic’s face and he put down his hand.
    “Welcome sir,” the guard said, standing straight up.
    “At ease, soldier” Dominic replied.
    The strained gate squeaked and clanked as it opened. Inside was very dark and the floor was covered in muck. He entered the base and fellow soldiers saluted him as he walked further in.

  9. #9
    Wurdy
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    There is nothing wrong with it, but as others here have said, it's too short to make an impression. Maybe if you had said it was the opening, that would have given the reader a way to determine it's impact, but to add that you have no idea where it belongs leaves me with no way to decide if it's good or not.

  10. #10
    Steven clifford
    Guest

    Re: A little writing. what do you guys think?

    Understood, wurdy!

    I intend to write more, but I dont know what to do yet. It's a working process.

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