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  1. #1
    Steven clifford

    A dialogue sample

    The other day I posted up a sample of my story and this is its extension. Hope you fellas enjoy it.

    Anphion nearly lost his balance by the turbulence of the Mono-train on its descend. Nerak looked at the assorted lighted windows of the thousand skyscrapers that belonged to the city of Devadas. He also took in the city’s circular and curve like design with shade-variations of green and blue.
    “I know it’s a beautiful city,” said the father, “But its not so charming as it seems. This is the capital of the Thonea government,”
    “So then why are we here for,” said Anphion.
    “War is coming to Delta-wing and the city of Devadas is safer, strangely enough. I’m sorry my boys that you were born into this,”
    “How long will we be in Devadas, Pops?” asked Anphion,
    “Not long, we’re passing through it to get to Rune,”
    “I thought Rune was a dangerous place,” said Anphion
    “It is, but we have no other choice. But if you two would like to stay in Devadas and live out a normal life, then in all right do so. Though I can not stay,”
    “Why pops, why,” said Nerak, fearfully.
    “Thonea has my file on record. I was a notorious Rebel and Devadas is clean of underground rebel cells for me to survive in,”
    “No,” said Nerak softly, “I would never leave you, pops”
    “Never,” said Anphion simply.
    “Then if you two choose the path to follow me and eventually pursue the war in the next generation with out me, do it with full force. I’m ruined. We the rebels lost the revolution but you two are my last hope to regain power. I intend the son’s of Dominic Stryladus to open the eyes of people who are blinded by lies and free them from the truth. The Thonea’s worst crime is the rewriting of history and holding back the books of literature, philosophy and science. Not to mention films as well. The two of you are fortunate to know such truths. Those years of lessons were not wasted and pass on your knowledge to those who join your force. Keep in mind that you are not alone,”

  2. #2
    Simon Says

    Re: A dialogue sample

    Steven - your dialogue is very stilted. Dialogue should sound like people talk. We speak in fragments, in non sequiters, we use contractions.

    Also this dialogue is all expostion (background and factual information you think the reader needs to know in order to fully understand the story). You need to find more interesting ways to get out the expostion.

    As leslee often suggests - read this out loud - you will see your dialogue sounds nothing like the way people talk.

  3. #3
    Thomas Baldwin

    Re: A dialogue sample

    Simon is correct. Listen to people talk. They don't speak in complete sentances, they do not follow the rules of grammar, they stumble along as their tongue tries to keep up with their brain. Make your characters do the same.

  4. #4
    Debbi Voisey

    Re: A dialogue sample

    Ditto what Simon says... Don't use dialogue to get out the background information. This is just not natural. You would not have a conversation with your son or father and tell them what you do for a living and how long you have lived somewhere or what kind of person you are... they already know that and the reader can smell a rat and it looks and comes across as false.

    In writing, one of the most important things to remember is that anything that "takes the reader out of the story" and makes him question ANYTHING, is not good. He should be able to lose himself and let the story flow over him.

    Also, there are some punctuation and spelling errors, and wrong words used. Such as "Mono-train on its descend". This should be descent.

    "Curve like design with shade-variations" Curve-like should be hyphenated and shade variations not.

    "So then why are we here for?" This should be either "Why are we here?" or "What are we here for?"

    Without is one word, not two.

    "The son's of Dominic Stryladus" Sons is a plural and therefore has no apostrophe (one of my pet peeves!). An apostrophe either denotes possession, or indicates a missing letter or letters.

    Fantasy is not my domain, so I can't comment on your story per se. But the basic rules of writing must be followed and checked and double-checked before you submit anything to an agent or editor.

    Hope I have been a help.


  5. #5
    Steven clifford

    Re: A dialogue sample

    let me think about how to make this scene better.

    I think I should break it up a little and just give a hint of explanation. I was told before to not let the reader ask questions, thats why I did it through dialogue and I remeber seeing such things done in other books.

    Or should I just tell the story point blank with normal writing not dialogue

  6. #6
    Debbi Voisey

    Re: A dialogue sample

    Don't get me wrong... I think dialogue is an excellent tool for telling a story. You can't get everything over in narrative, because sometimes that gets boring and it can seem like you are trying too hard. So characters talking and telling a story and bits of background can be effective. The problem comes when it is not believable, as in the case of your father talking to his son and telling him things that he would know already. That is using dialogue for the sake of it... and being too obviously false.

    Characters who have just met can talk about themselves and their backgrounds to great effect. That way, your readers will be "listening in" on a believable conversation that is effective and necessary.


  7. #7
    Catherine King

    Re: A dialogue sample

    Interesting . . . my goal is always for the reader to ask questions. Give them enough information to get them interested, but then let them wonder to hold their attention.

  8. #8
    Louise Delaney

    Re: A dialogue sample

    Steven, in order to tell the reader things that the characters should already know you could even try a "He didn't have to tell them..." or "the boys knew all too well that..." maybe even "many times their father had told them..."

    So the characters don't ask and you let the reader know why - it even says something about the parent child relationship.


  9. #9
    Joe Zeff

    Re: A dialogue sample

    I've been wondering why you refer to a Mono-train, instead of a monorail. What's the difference, or did you just want to avoid using the regular name? If so, I'd suggest using monorail instead, as it's easier for people to understand, and still gives the futuristic feel you clearly want.

  10. #10
    Steven clifford

    Re: A dialogue sample

    I agee Joe, I made the change.

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