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Thread: Better?

  1. #1
    Shaun Norrie
    Guest

    Better?

    The hardwood floors under his calloused feet echoed at each step, creaking in protest of the incessant pacing. He approximated the time to be nine o’clock in the morning, but he might have never known had it not been bright and sunny no more than an hour ago. The round little man eventually gained his bearings and remembered where he had stored the flashlight. He stumbled through the darkened space until he reached what he thought to be the closet, confirmed by a split-second lightning strike outside his window.



  2. #2
    Jay Ra
    Guest

    Re: Better?

    Hi,

    Here is my advice to you. Why should you listen to my advice, because that is all it is, advice."

    Slow down. Keep it simple. Write good sentances.

    Think about what your reader will experience when he/she reads you sentances. each sentance speaks for itself. It can do two things to your reader.

    *keep them reading

    *make them sense the person behind the words, become distracted.

    The hardwood floors under his calloused feet echoed at each step, creaking in protest of the incessant pacing.

    I get the sense that you wanted to be sure your reader knew that this man's feet were callouse, and he was pacing incessantly. The other words were a means to this. That is where I sense too much thinking on your part is going on, you need to slow down.

    Fundemental mistakes are made here too. floors down echo "at" anything, nor do they protest. Of course there is room to anthropomorphize anything non living thing, but it has do be set up well.




    He approximated the time to be nine o’clock in the morning, but he might have never known had it not been bright and sunny no more than an hour ago.

    SO if I ponder this sentance, im guessing that its dark outside. Again, make it clear, this isn't clever, its confusing.

    The round little man eventually gained his bearings and remembered where he had stored the flashlight.

    Not sure about this one.

    He stumbled through the darkened space until he reached what he thought to be the closet, confirmed by a split-second lightning strike outside his window.

    Now I know it is dark out. He can pace? Regained his bearings? but he has to stumble through the dark, "space" he's comfortable enuoph to pace, yet after gets his bearings he has to stumble, and he's unsure of a door he found?

    KISS Keep it short and simple.

    I do not mean to dismantle your sentances, but they are already broken. Say (write) what you mean, and dont try to impress anyone.

  3. #3
    Savannah Thorne
    Guest

    Re: Better?

    I felt you were trying too hard, which resulted in purple prose. I agree with the idea of scaling it back in an attempt to simply make plain old good writing, which involves communicating.

  4. #4
    gulliver h
    Guest

    Re: Better?

    same thing, Shaun, new chorus. You're overwriting.

  5. #5
    . Bree
    Guest

    Re: Better?


    "The hardwood floors echoed each step, creaking in protest."


    This line is superb. There is no need for all the embellishment that follows...the reader will get confused. Be satisfied once you have stated something, then MOVE ON with the STORY, and make all very clear. You can still be creative, but don't dwell on a detail that doesn't move the story along.

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