HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: read please

  1. #1
    Shaun Norrie
    Guest

    read please

    He was going on day two without a shower, sleep, or break from the plackjack tables. Hand after hand meshed together into one big lump of numbers, card after card slapped on the felt. Chips were taken and paid out back and forth like a tennis match. One or five-hundred-dollar chips;it was all the same. Allen Kersey played his chips,treating them like they were worth nothing more than the clay they were made of.



  2. #2
    Jack Sonrisa
    Guest

    Re: read please

    Maybe the second sentence would work better as the first sentence. Don't like chips going back and forth like a tennis match. Like a tennis ball, maybe, but even that I don't like. It's just not a logical metaphor for me.
    Otherwise interesting enough that I wonder what's going to happen to Allen.

  3. #3
    Sean Shealy
    Guest

    Re: read please

    "Hand after hand meshed together ..."

    This produced a stutter-step in my head; I had to read the sentence twice.

    "Chips were paid back and forth like spit in the mouths of lovers ..."

    Whatever; any other metaphor. And "Chips were taken and paid out back and forth" is clunky. "Chips were paid back and forth" says it more simply.

    "Brevity is the soul of all wit."

  4. #4
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: read please

    Shaun

    You are trying to hard. Too many metaphors, etc.

    As I suggested in your earlier thread - try writing your story simply and directly. You will find your voice the more you write - but you seem to be artificially forcing a voice that is leading you to over writing, not to mention just plain bad writing.

  5. #5
    Shaun Norrie
    Guest

    Re: read please

    Is there a place for metaphors? Just don't write them?

    How about this then.

    Day two without a shower, sleep, or food placed Allen Kersey in a foul mood as hand after hand meshed into one big lump of numbers. Chips were taken and paid out constantly, never allowing him to get ahead at any point. Whether purple five-hundred-dollar chips or red five-dollar-chips, he played them without a care in the world. Meeting Shane and Samantha was his focus. Until then, he'd spend his time smoking, drinking, and gambling.

  6. #6
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: read please

    Shaun

    Specifically what information are you tryng to get across in this paragraph?

    Because quite frankly, not only doesn't the paragraph flow - but you are contradicting yourself. Allen Kersey is in a foul mood, but a moment later you say he doesn't have a care in the world. Which is it? Is he annoyed or carefree? Again you appear to be focusing on using a lot of words to describe a lot of things instead of focuing on what you are trying to say.

    As for metaphors - yes there's a place for them. But not until you as a writer understand their purpose and see how to use them to enhance your storytelling rather than having them overwhelm, clutter and cloud your storytelling.

    You might want to think about taking a fiction class or creative writing class at a local college. If there's no college in your area that has such classes - there are a number of good ones on the web.

  7. #7
    Kaci Chandler
    Guest

    Re: read please

    There's nothing wrong with metaphors. But if they are not used sparingly, and if they're not d*** good, all they do is muddy the waters with purple gunk. You can write well without them. It's an art. Inserting them for the sake of having them there is not doing your piece justice.

    As suggested, why not put style on the back burner for a second and write the paragraph straight. I just read something-- I think it was in Fiction by Michael Seidman-- that says when you stop searching for a style your style will come through. Make sense?

    After you rewrite your paragraph please post it here, because I would really like to know what you're trying to put across. I can see your style trying to come out, if only you'll let it.

  8. #8
    Kaitlyn Radwanski
    Guest

    Re: read please

    I have always avoided the word big like the plague. To me, it sounds too childish. How about, one large lump of numbers? Alleteration isn't just for poetry.

  9. #9
    Kaitlyn Radwanski
    Guest

    Re: read please

    I mean alliteration. Wow. I am a terrible typer.

  10. #10
    gulliver h
    Guest

    Re: read please

    ist.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts