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  1. #1
    Ann Casey
    Guest

    My long suffering lambs

    Have tried a new avenue for the first chapter. It's still in rough draft, so I'm not looking for a critique, more to see if this is a more workable beginning. Also the copy and paste never seems to transcribe well.
    Thanks Ann
    Chapter 1

    Grambly’s Market became part of Saint Bede’s parish in 1922, though it was older by seventy-two years. It took seriously its age and celebrated yearly. A hundred and seven years the week before. It was still in the same small store and still on the same corner of Hastings and Selwyn Streets. The tin ration signs still hung above the wooden shelves of canned goods. They had talked of replacing the linoleum floor right after the war, but that was twelve years ago. The older folks keep making comments about when it was do be done now and again. They had the delivery boy delivering by the wire cart, though he usually used his old red wagon when there were more than two deliveries of a day. The monthly tab was the rule and cash straight up was viewed with suspicion. The neighborhood pub was across the street. They had twenty years on the grocer’s. The Finlay’s had snuck in a generation before the Grambly’s. It was an old contention of the neighborhood of never sending the men folk to pick up a few things from the market. The temptation of the pub and the pickled eggs and onions on the bar gave leave to a few to forgo their family’s supper. It was an old grudge that began during Prohibition, always settling out after hours, when back doors stayed quietly open. The delivery boy, Michael Jamison was out front shoveling the snow when Hannah parked the Woody. The emergency brake squealed its usual grind. She pulled the grocery list from her purse and pushed the seat back. Grabbing onto the roof of the car, she pulled herself out.
    “Hey Hannah.” Michael called out. “Need a hand?”
    “No, will when I come back out though. Thanks Mick.” answered Hannah walking to the door. She stopped and turned to Mick, “Is Mrs. Grambly on her high horse today?”
    “When is she not Hannah. Tis almost the last week of the month, some folks running behind on their tabs.” he replied leaning on the shovel and pointing his eyes to the fogged windows. “She won’t fancy seeing you.”
    “That old saw again. Least I’m in a different parish from the bloody old woman.” and shoving her hands into her coat pockets, Hannah squared her face for the onslaught. “Hung for a sheep as for a lamb, me lad. Her tongue’s the shrew of the parish.”
    “It’s why I live in the next one meself Hannah.” giving a wink as she went inside.
    Pushing the door open, Hannah went straight to the back for the butcher, Mr. Grambly.
    “A leg of lamb please, Mr. Grambly.”
    “Picking up meat on a Friday Hannah?”
    “Sunday dinner Mr. Grambly, Sunday dinner.”
    He squinted through his glasses pulling the brown paper from the roll, letting the rip give his chuckle of the same joke every Friday.



  2. #2
    Wurdy
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    I think this would work much better if you put Hannah showing up first, and put the great explanation about the history of the place after a bit of her and Michael's conversation, to let the reader get straight to the character and the action. Maybe even slide parts of your descriptive passages in between the conversation.

  3. #3
    Ann Casey
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    Good point Denise. I appreciate the time you took. I am still pulling myself out of the playwright mode and realizing the fun of description when telling a story. Thanks again. Ann

  4. #4
    Wurdy
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black then, because I do the same damn thing! I LOVE to write descriptive passages.

  5. #5
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    Maybe it's just me, but I'm confused by all the references to years. 1922, older by 72 years, a hundred and seven, twelve years ago. I haven't a clue as to the time this story is set. Also, you need edit the punctuation and capitalization before and after quoted dialog; I spotted numerous errors. As to content, I second Wurdy's suggestion. As a whole, this is okay but I don't get any sense of what's to come or where the conflict might lie.

  6. #6
    Verdancy
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    I agree with jayce about the time--very confusing. The first sentence is also strangely worded, making me think that Grambly's Market might be a town that was annexed by St.
    Whatever's parish. Still don't get how it could be older than the parish, and yet always have been in the same building...

    Didn't make it through the whole excerpt. Sorry. Too confusing, and nothing in there that's a grabber.

  7. #7
    mile at_work
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    Where is it set? England or America? im guessing by picking up a published novel, you'd get the location from the back of the book if it's not obvious.

    but it wasn't clear form the text. The spoken dialect certainly sounds like they're english, but then there is mention of Prohibition, which makes me think it's America. Also the use of emergency brake rather than hand break, the line 'neighbour hood pub, rather than local pub.

    Oh and the Grambley's market made me think of a proper open air market, rather than a shop.

    If its set in the States fair enough. But if its set in england, then there are far too many Americanisms.

  8. #8
    Ann Casey
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    Appreciate the points all. Granted, should not have put up the first rough draft. Will rework with the considerations in mind. Thanks for the time you put in.
    Ann

  9. #9
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    Do us all a favor: Next time you post a "first rough draft", how about marking it as such? That way, those of us who try to offer considered opinions can decide whether it merits the time. Thanks.

  10. #10
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: My long suffering lambs

    "Have tried a new avenue for the first chapter. It's still in rough draft, so I'm not looking for a critique,"

    That's the opening of Ann's post. So, she did say it was a rough draft.

    Ann, you have some basic errors in punctuation in this draft. Yes, I know it's rough, but those errors make reading even a rough draft much tougher. A little clean-up before posting always helps.

    For example:

    “No, will when I come back out though. Thanks Mick.” answered Hannah

    That would be a comma after Mick, not a period.

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