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Thread: For critique

  1. #1
    author author
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    For critique

    For comment:

    When she got outside the streets were shining with rain and Sylvia was glad of her raincoat. She arranged in her mind all she was going to do, and thought how much better it was to be independent and to have your own money in your handbag. She hoped they would have a nice evening. She was sure they would, but she could not help thinking what a pity it was Lorenz and Samuel were not speaking. They were always falling out now, but when they were boys together they used to be the best of friends; but such was life.



  2. #2
    . Bree
    Guest

    Re: For critique

    The streets shone with rain and Sylvia was glad of her raincoat. She arranged in her mind all she was going to do. How much better it was to be independent and have her own money in her handbag.

    She hoped they would have a nice evening. What a pity Lorenz and Samuel were not speaking. As boys, they were the best of friends......etc

  3. #3
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: For critique

    To me it's somewhat awkward.

    "The streets shone with rain... was glad of her raincoat. She arranged in her mind all she was going to do ...


    The sentences and thoughts don't flow seamlessly.

    "She hoped they would have a nice evening. She was sure they would, but"

    "They were always falling out now, but when they were boys together they used to be the best of friends; but such was life.

  4. #4
    Wayne G
    Guest

    Re: For critique

    >When she got outside the streets were shining with rain and Sylvia was glad of her raincoat.

    For this you need to give an action. Have her donning her coat as she hops a puddle or something. This sentence is very static. I actually read this as "got outside the streets" the first time, rather than "got outside PAUSE the streets." 'Got outside' is a bit clumsy.

    >She arranged in her mind all she was going to do,

    I don't think it's necessary to say 'in her mind'. It's implied if people are thinking about something.


    >and thought how much better it was to be independent and to have your own money in your handbag. She hoped they would have a nice evening.

    Do you mean 'her own money in her handbag'? Otherwise, I'm not sure if this is her present state or if this is what she's hoping for.

    >They were always falling out now, but when they were boys together they used to be the best of friends; but such was life.

    . As boys they were best of friends; such was life.

    Good luck.

  5. #5
    Jeanne Gassman
    Guest

    Re: For critique

    Okay, my quick rewrite:

    When she stepped outside, the streets shone with rain, and Sylvia was greatful for her raincoat.

    Or:
    The streets shone with rain, and Sylvia was glad to have her raincoat.

    The rest of the paragraph as follows:
    She paused for a moment, organizing her thoughts and planning her actions. It was so much better to be independent with your (her?) own money in your (her?) own handbag. (New paragraph here?) Sylvia hoped Lorenz and Samuel (use names before you use the antecedent pronoun) would have a nice evening. She was sure they would, but she couldn't help thinking it was a pity they weren't speaking. As boys, they had always been the best of friends. Now, they were always falling out. Such was life. (This is my preference, but I would close this graph with another action by Sylvia to bring us back to the moment.)

    Hope that was helpful. Now, I must get off of here. Can you tell I'm avoiding cleaning??

    Jeanne

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