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  1. #1
    Angel Kemory
    Guest

    Sydney Drives--part II

    Okay, is this any better? Worse?

    As he turned into the parking lot and past a group of teenage boys on foot, he tapped the gas pedal just enough to bring out the purr of the engine. From the rearview mirror, he could clearly see the boys pointing and giving thumbs up. Were they showing their admiration for the car or Jenny Woods? Sydney smirked boastfully and sat up straight. What difference did it make? 'He' was the one in the drivers seat.

    'He' should be in italics, but I don't know how to do that here.

    Jo



  2. #2
    Simon Says
    Guest

    Re: Sydney Drives--part II

    Jo -

    Just my opinion.

    It's a teeny bit overwritten. The first sentence is also a little awkward.

    I'm not lovin' 'smirked boastfully" and that sentence doesn't belong where it is. It breaks up the Were they showing question and the "What difference...?" answer.

  3. #3
    Angel Kemory
    Guest

    Re: Sydney Drives--part II

    Man, this is a hard paragraph to write.

    Back to the drawing board Thanks Simon

    Jo

  4. #4
    Angel Kemory
    Guest

    Re: Sydney Drives--part II

    Making it simple--Breaking it down.
    First part:

    Turning onto the parking lot, they passed a group of teenage boys. From the rearview mirror, Sydney could see the boys pointing and giving thumbs up. Were they showing their approval for the car or for the pretty blonde in the passenger seat?


    okay or no?

    Jo

  5. #5
    Jack Oceano
    Guest

    Re: Sydney Drives--part II

    Turning into the parking lot, they passed a group of teenage boys, all pointing and giving thumbs up. Were they showing their approval for the car or for the pretty blonde in the passenger seat?


    Jo, if it's Sydney's POV, you don't need to say that he could see them..

  6. #6
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: Sydney Drives--part II

    What difference did it make? 'He' was the one in the drivers seat.


    I really like that - it's a good change and a perfect ending.

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