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  1. #1
    author author
    Guest

    Another excerpt for comment

    An excerpt of a piece about an estranged father who becomes reacquainted with his daughter and wife after many years.

    Chloe - daughter
    Justin - Chloe's boyfriend
    Valerie - mother
    Tom - father

    As it approached Midnight at the apartment, Chloe was all packed and ready to go. She and Justin were sitting on her daybed with their backs against the wall. They were dozing and leaning against one another.

    "I still have an hourís worth of paperwork to take care of," said Valerie. "I donít want to leave things in a mess when I go. Why donít you all go back to the hotel and Iíll follow later?"

    Tom looked at his watch and then at the sleepy teens. "Iíll call the hotel and ask them to send a car for Chloe and Justin but Iíll stay here to keep you company until you finish. I can keep myself busy reading or Iíll work on the computer. I wonít interrupt you, I promise."

    When the limo arrived, Tom accompanied the kids downstairs. He spoke to the driver first and then told Chloe, "Grandpa will meet you in the lobby. Now, straight upstairs to bed, we'll have a busy day tomorrow."

    "Weíre exhausted, what do you think weíre going to do? Go out clubbing? You really have an over-active imagination. Get a grip," she said while yawning.

    Tom smiled at the new light of his life and felt an overwhelming sense of love for her. He leaned into the limo and hugged her tightly with tears in his eyes. "Good night Chloe, I love you. Sweet dreams."

    "Sweet dreams, Dad," she said through another yawn.

    Tom looked at Justin. "See you in the morning son."

    "I had a great time today, Sir. Thanks for everything. Good night."

    The driver closed the door and there on the shabby little street, Tom stood and looked after the limo as it drove away, carrying his most precious cargo.



  2. #2
    Angel Kemory
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    Leave out 'you really have an over-active imagination', because Chloe was the one who said 'go out clubbing?'. Father didn't suggest anything at all. Makes Chloe sound like she might actually do it.

    Parents always say stuff like 'go straight to bed'. It's so common, I'm sure her mother has said it a million times. I don't see a child saying anything in response to it at all, really.

    Jo

  3. #3
    author author
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    Thanks Jo. I revised that sentence right before I posted it and then realized it was too much to say if the kid was tired. I agree completely.



    "Weíre exhausted, what do you think weíre going to do? Go out clubbing? Get a grip," she said while yawning.

  4. #4
    Angel Kemory
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    I just don't think she'd say anything, except maybe: "Yeah, yeah, I know, I know." or "Duh!"

    Sorry, I have two teenagers and I that is how they talk. Since father only said 'go straight to bed' he didn't imply at all that they would 'leave' the hotel room. The teen would assume he meant no staying up watching tv or something. See what I mean? If Chloe actually brought up clubbing, the reader would assume she had a plan to do it. Now if he said, 'don't LEAVE the hotel room', then she might say that line.

    Jo

  5. #5
    author author
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    I would appreciate any additional criticism. Thanks.

  6. #6
    gulliver h
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    ok. It's dull. Sorry. But I don't get the impact of it, or even really enjoy reading it. Maybe it's too short of an excerpt. I don't know. But it doesn't do anything for me.

  7. #7
    author author
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    gulliver,

    Do you think that is a guy thing? Do you think someone else might be interested? Just curious.

    I'd like to know what you think of my other excerpt too if you don't mind.

    A general comment to everyone:

    I noticed that most writers post more narrative than dialogue here for critique. Is narrrative more likely to get a response?

  8. #8
    author author
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    Hello

    I've had two replies from Writersnet members on this thread. Angel and Gulliver (after asking for more comments). Thank you both, much appreciated!

    WN posters usually don't hesitate to voice an opinion. I'm wondering why there is such little response here when other threads have received many more replies with even less to critique. There's only one way to find out so I'm asking. I'll make it easy for you, just post the number in your response:

    1) The excerpt is beyond the worst excerpt ever posted here and therefore not worth comment.

    2) The excerpt is so good, it cannot be improved upon.

    3) Experienced writers on the WN site don't visit this thread often except to comment on whatever suits their fancy.

    4) I've been politically incorrect in my critique request for which I apologize, if so. I've tried to be helpful to others on the site.

    5) Other, with explanation please.

    That about covers it.

  9. #9
    Nathan Nicholl
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    Your options are a tad exagerated, Author. I agree with Gulliver. There isn't really anything happening. It may be because you've chosen an excerpt that's quite hard to relate to. We don't know these characters, so why should we care that the daughter is leaving?

  10. #10
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Another excerpt for comment

    Technically, the writing is not too bad, though some grammar and punctuation problems pock it. For example, this bit gave my eyes and ears a little hitch:

    "Weíre exhausted, what do you think weíre going to do? Go out clubbing?

    To my mind, it should be:

    "Weíre exhausted. What do you think weíre going to do...go out clubbing?

    Also some style problems:

    As it approached Midnight at the apartment, Chloe was all packed and ready to go. She and Justin were sitting on her daybed with their backs against the wall. They were dozing and leaning against one another.

    Around midnight at the apartment, Chloe and Justin sat on her daybed, their backs to the wall, dozing as they leaned against one another. She was packed and ready to go.

    Use simple past or present tense. If the majority of your narrative writing is like that first sentence, you could probably stand to edit about 20% of the words out of it. There's really not much story here on which to comment.

    Dialogue is difficult to critique without background, and you provided next to none. Off the top of my head, I can say this: Tom's pretty darn comfortable with Valerie and Chloe after being "estranged" for "many years". I would expect a heckuva lot more bitterness, coldness, and maybe even outright hatred from those gals, IF they even allow him in their presence. Way too loose and easy, in my opinion.

    Also, #3 is the most accurate of your reasons. The others are ridiculous, and you know it. I usually visit this site twice a day and only comment when I see problems others haven't addressed.

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