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  1. #1
    author author
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    For comment - short story

    The elderly woman struggled to open the heavy glass door. Just as her dainty foot crossed the bronze threshold, a sudden gust of wind launched her into the soaring marble lobby. She slipped on the slick floor but caught herself and teetered to a halt in front of the handsome U.S. Marshall.

    "Do you have an appointment?" he asked.

    With her fingers, she smoothed her feathery silver coiffure.

    "I'm a volunteer with the Red Cross."

    "Yes, M’am. The rest of the team is already here. Your name please?"

    "Sylvia Chetter."

    “Like the cheese?”

    “Almost. C-H-E-T-T-E-R.” She reached into her handbag, retrieved a lace-edged handkerchief and dabbed the corners of her watery blue eyes.



  2. #2
    Rob Knowles
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    AA

    If I commentd on this, the comments would likely be longer than your story I don't think you posted it all.

    Rob

  3. #3
    author author
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    Rob,

    The story is 10 pages long. Writers post a paragraph or two here for comment sometimes.

    AA

  4. #4
    Annie Meier
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    "...a sudden gust of wind launched her into the soaring marble lobby."

    My only suggestion would be to exchange "soaring" for another descriptive word. A lobby can't soar. How about "expansive"?

    You did a great job of making your little old lady appear frail and harmless. I'm assuming she's an operative of some sort. Perfect cover.

    All the best,
    Annie

  5. #5
    author author
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    Thank Annie!

    You're right about the old lady. I'm stunned.

    Soaring space is a very common architectural description.

    A survey of google:

    designing the soaring space of Temple Beth

    The soaring space is most immediately impressive by its display of colossal white marble columns

    existing elements such as architecture, natural light and soaring space

    The soaring space pairs Colonial architecture with contemporary design

    A soaring space for theatre and dance was designed to grace this private school's lovely hillside campus ...

  6. #6
    Michael West
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    I wonder how many agents and editors know you are talking about architectural wonder? Or if it is bad writing.

  7. #7
    Annie Meier
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    Your reply makes my case. In every example you write "soaring space" ... yet your paragraph reads "soaring lobby". According to the examples you have given me, it should read ...soaring space of the lobby.

    Annie ;-)

  8. #8
    author author
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    Ah! I see your point. Thanks Annie.

  9. #9
    author author
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    Any other comments? I'm a very new writer and would appreciate critical opinions from those with more experience. Thanks.

  10. #10
    author author
    Guest

    Re: For comment - short story

    Hello

    I've had three replies from Writersnet members on this thread. Annie, Michael and Robb. Thank you, much appreciated!

    WN posters usually don't hesitate to voice an opinion. I'm wondering why there is such little response here when other threads have received many more replies with even less to critique. There's only one way to find out so I'm asking. I'll make it easy for you, just post the number in your response:

    1) The excerpt is beyond the worst excerpt ever posted here and therefore not worth comment.

    2) The excerpt is so good, it cannot be improved upon.

    3) Experienced writers on the WN site don't visit this thread often except to comment on whatever suits their fancy.

    4) I've been politically incorrect in my critique request for which I apologize, if so. I've tried to be helpful to others on the site.

    5) Other, with explanation please.

    That about covers it.

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