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  1. #1
    Prince Louis Richard de la Pau
    Guest

    Not for the queasy - rape scene

    I really hope I'm not boring you with this, but I want to make sure I'm getting things absolutely right.

    I'll give you a little background first:
    The Prince is a fifteen-year old boy and Claudio is a distant cousin who helps him financially in return for sexual favors. The penniless Prince relies on him for this financial support and also to provide him with lodging when he is in London.

    beginning of scene

    * * *

    Their lovemaking had continued for nearly two hours. The Prince couldn’t feel anything except a cloud in his mind. His senses were satiated, his body exhausted.
    Finally, Claudio rolled off him and lit a cigarette. “Do you want one?” he asked, waving the cigarette case at the Prince.
    He shook his head. “I don’t think I could even suck on a cigarette,” he groaned. “My mouth has gone numb.” He crawled off the bed. “I’m just going to the bathroom,” he added. “I may be some time.”
    But Claudio grabbed him. “Oh, no you don’t,” he said. “I haven’t finished with you.” The Prince looked at him in consternation.
    “Claudio, I can’t, really!” he said. “You forget how big you are. I’m split almost in half.”
    But the Italian was still holding him by the wrists, looking at him fiercely. “Get back on this bed, now,” he whispered, an odd cadence in his voice.
    The Prince gazed steadily at him for a moment or so, shrugged his shoulders and lay back down on the bed. Claudio stubbed out the cigarette, reached over to the bedside table and pulled something out.
    “Put your arms out and close your eyes,” he ordered. The Prince did so, and felt Claudio tying him to the rail at the top of the bed. Then he blindfolded him. This sent a frisson of delectable fear through the Prince, but when he felt Claudio’s tongue moving down to his own member, he discovered that he’d got the strength after all. Suddenly, Claudio quickly lifted his legs and entered him hard and fast, causing the Prince to scream out.
    But this time the pain didn’t fade as Claudio pounded savagely into him, his hands pressing the Prince’s shoulders hard into the mattress.

    * * *

    It was finally over and Claudio was lying on the bed too worn out to even move. The Prince, his face slightly streaked with tears, eventually leaned over and kissed him on the lips. “ Caro ,” he whispered, “please be more gentle. If you carry on like that, I may never walk again.”
    Claudio regarded him with cold eyes for a few seconds before replying. “Just remember, I’ve finished when I tell you I’ve finished, and not a moment before.”

    * * *

    End of scene

    My personal view is that it needs to be a little more descriptive as far as the violence of the act is concerned. I haven't edited it yet because you all gave such wonderful advice. I just decided that it might be a little better for you to actually read the scene in question.

    Once again, thanks for the help.
    Louis Richard



  2. #2
    M. Lee
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    Louis -

    I agree with you. I think you need to expand on the feeling of violation.

    At times the description of the Prince's feelings read more like he is a willing participant in the intercourse. Of course, this may be less true if I were to read this scene in context with the rest of the book, but that's my first impression based on this scene alone.

    I'm not saying you (necessarily) need to be more graphic about the act, but more about the violation the Prince feels during it. Does that make sense?

    Michelle

  3. #3
    Venus --
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    I agree 100% with Michelle. I just e-mailed you about it anyway, so no need to repeat here.

    -Karen

  4. #4
    Prince Louis Richard de la Pau
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    You're both right and I'm grateful. I've decided to redo the scene from start. Seeing outside of context is a little odd and it's difficult to understand, but I'll work on it again and re-post.

    Thanks to all for their advice.

    I'd pull this thread if I could, but it's impossible.

    All the best,
    LR

  5. #5
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    Ditto what Michelle and Karen said. Just the fact that Prince shrugged at the suggestion gave me the impression that he didn't really care.

    Again, if you want this to be a rape scene, I'd focus more on describing Prince's emotional agony while the act is actually happening, and a struggle beforehand would be a good addition. Claudio's physical actions (evil smile, moan of ecstacy, crushing grip on his legs, etc.)could be thrown in as well.

  6. #6
    M. Lee
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    No need to pull it, Louis! It's right where it belongs!

  7. #7
    Jeanne Gassman
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    Louis,
    What is missing here for me is the emotional context. The character seems to be a willing participant in the process. If you want to show that he's being raped, you can have him appear to be willing by what he says and does, but show his confusion/fear/terror by stepping more into his head. What is he thinking when this man does this to him? Also, look for the metaphor for pain and violation. When people suffer great pain--physical or emotional--they often step outside of the scene and focus on the insignificant detail.

    Play with the senses beyond the obvious. When he's tied up and being raped, what does he see? Is he looking at an ugly mole on the man's hand? What does he hear? Does he hear the man's angry grunts or moans? Does he hear another angry voice in his head? What about the other senses? The breath in the ear that burns? (A metaphor for the burning pain elsewhere.) The fingernails scratching his neck. The pull on his wrists from the bindings. The stench of sweat in the blindfold. Go deeper into this character. He can act as though none of this matters, but we need to be in head. We need to know how he really feels.

    Hope that helps.

    Jeanne

  8. #8
    Dale Estey
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene


    [Their lovemaking had continued for nearly two hours. The Prince couldn’t feel anything except a cloud in his mind. His senses were satiated, his body exhausted.
    Finally, OMIYT]

    ["DO YOU WANT ONE?"]
    Claudio rolled off him[,] and lit a cigarette. [“Do you want one?” [he asked, waving the cigarette case at the Prince.OMIT]
    [He shook his head. “I [don’t think I couldOMIT][CAN'T even suck on a cigarette.”[ he groaned. “My mouth has gone numb.”OMIT] He crawled off the bed. “I’m [just OMIT] going to the bathroom.” [he added. “I may be some time.”OMIT]
    [ButOMIT] Claudio grabbed him. [“Oh, no you don’t,” he said. OMIT]“I haven’t finished with you.” The Prince looked at him in consternation.
    [“Claudio, I can’t, really!” he said.OMIT] “You forget how big you are. I’m split almost in half.”
    [But OMIT]The Italian [was still holding OMIT][HELD] him by the wrists, looking at him fiercely.
    “Get back on this bed!] [now,” he whispered, an odd cadence in his voice.OMIT]

    The Prince gazed steadily at him for a moment, [or so, shrugged his shoulders andOMIT] THEN lay back [down on the bed OMOT]. Claudio stubbed out the cigarette, reached over to the bedside table and pulled something out.
    “Put your arms out and close your eyes,” he ordered. The Prince did so, and felt Claudio tying him to the rail at the top of the bed. Then he blindfolded him. [This sent a frisson of delectable fear through the Prince,OMIT] When he felt Claudio’s tongue moving down to his own member, he discovered that he’d got the strength after all. Suddenly, Claudio[quickly OMIT]lifted his legs, and enterING him hard and fast[.] [causing OMIT]tte Prince screamED.
    [But this time OMIT ] The pain didn’t fade as Claudio pounded savagely into him, his hands pressing the Prince’s shoulders [hard OMIT] into the mattress.

  9. #9
    Mya Bell
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    Here's the difficulty I have.

    It feels like it's told from a disinterested third party rather than from someone who has empathy for one character or the other.

    Sometimes this is good. The storytelling should let the reader decide who he or she believes or relates to or "sides" with in a scene where wills or bodies are pitted against one another.

    But, in this case, it's so disinterested (despite the adjectives), that I don't feel myself inside the emotional aura of either character. It seems like everyone is coping and it's going to be all right, no matter how horrible. But rape isn't like that. Rape gnaws at you, envelopes you, clings to you. This rape feels like one that can be washed off with a hot shower.

    I don't feel the longterm effects or the longterm expectations of the character who was raped. It's like watching a violent scene on TV in which the opponents are acting, not experiencing, as in real life.

    Since this is fairly graphic material, I'd prefer not to comment further online, but I'll send you a more detailed line-by-line critique, if you like. Just say the word.

    --- Mya Bell

  10. #10
    Queen V
    Guest

    Re: Not for the queasy - rape scene

    Agree that we need more of what's going through his mind. "Why is he doing this to me, I thought he loved me" etc.
    Otherwise it's reading like an unpleasant chore rather than a gut-wrenching violation.

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