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  1. #21
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Maybe the step-daughter is trying to convince herself that mama is the loving person she always wanted her to be. But, even so, I wonder why there wouldn't be resentment on the part of Carol when it's so obvious Rita is so obvlivious to it.



  2. #22
    Denise .
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Writing the unbridled truth is excrutiatingly hard.

  3. #23
    E Carson
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Denise,

    It is sadly interesting, I thought it would make great fiction, if you did it in a different POV.

    One thing I did find, but now understand why --

    Is when reading it, you are inside Carol, but then suddenly it is like a narrator is telling us what Carol is doing or thinking, but it was still coming from Carol and not narrative. Maybe part of it had to do with the tenses.

    It confused me at first until I read more of the following postings realized that it was more of a peek at an auto--

    It seemed like you wanted to express it but then you pulled back from it at the same time.


    [Denise quoted "Writing the unbridled truth is excrutiatingly hard."]


    A note from me: When I add an imprint from my life into my writing, I find I do it better in fiction as I can make the ending how I want it or keep it real and I can stay a little more detached from it, to get the story out.

    Anyhow, my thoughts.

    -- E Carson

  4. #24
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Denise,

    Re-writing the past in fiction is fine, but it requires plausibility. Either the stepmother needs to get a lot meaner or the stepdaughter needs to moderate her opinion of her.

    From a personal perspective, if I were you (now this is just optimistic John talking) I'd re-write history the way my heart desires. In other words, I'm sure you desired a stepmother more like your grandmother - write about that. This is what I do with a lot of my secret wounds, and it helps me and changes me. You know, if you have a clear idea of how a relationship SHOULD operate, you can take steps to alter your own behavior to try to bend it in that direction. And if the other party is unwilling, then at least you approach the situation with a different attitude. That's writing as therapy for me.

    From a professional perspective, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but remember how I said good writing either positively or negatively affirms the universal truths of life? Well, this story is a prime candidate for negative affirmation, but it's weak and fuzzy, it needs to crystallize.

    Love is better, stronger, and more to be desired than hate. To receive love and enjoy it, that is positive affirmation of the truth; to not receive love but desire it and mourn the loss, that is negative affirmation of the truth. I can hear that desire coming from you, and the pain of a love denied. If you simply want to recount history, then I suppose what you've written fills the bill well enough. But if you want a powerful piece, then show the yearning for love.

    If I were to write a piece like this, I'd probably lose most of the anger and replace it with a limited amount of frustration. I'd start the two women at the lunch table and through their words and actions show the stepdaughter's deep yearning for love callously rebuffed by the stepmother in a number of subtle and sometimes blatant ways. Their conversation would reveal important aspects of their history together; I wouldn't just tell it like you did. The end of the story would probably show the stepmother hardened and oblivious to the pain she causes by stifling love, and the stepdaughter frustrated yet desiring a love she knows she'll never realize. I have the picture of a single tear trickling down the stepdaughter's face as she watches her stepmother leave to go shopping. No insults exchanged. No anger or histrionics. Just the power and pain of a yearning denied, and much of that understanding would come from what is not said and done, than what is.

    Now please don't think I'm insulting you, or trying to impose my idea of truth. I'm not. And all you others can stay off my case too, lol. If this relationship with your stepmother doesn't reveal to you the truth of my words, than my advice is futile anyway.

  5. #25
    Denise .
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Thanks for the feedback, E and John. Anyone who says WN does not offer a GREAT amount of help in crafting a better story is nuts.

  6. #26
    Weed Eater
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    I like it. The juxtoposition of what you expect the Stepmother to be like and the reality is really nice. Children often find that their conceptions of adults shift radically once their perspective matures.

    For such a short tale, there is plenty of emotional punch and truth packed in. Nice stuff.

    I think you could take any of the grammar corrections as you see fit, but I would not change the character dynamic around to suit somebody else's conventions.

    Again, good stuff. Keep on keepin' on. Power to the People. All that jazz.

  7. #27
    Denise .
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Thanks, Weedeater. When I found myself being kind to the stepmother in this story, I thought the same thing. People do change, or even if SHE didn't change, I did. I understood after I became an adult the source of her misery. It really wasn't about me.

  8. #28
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    You saw some character dynamics, ey Weed? Besides the main character simply telling her side of the story, perhaps you'd be good enough to point out any kind of dynamism, because I don't see a speck.

    There's ALWAYS another side to a story, usually several.

  9. #29
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Well, heck, Denise, why don't you incorporate some of that understanding into the story? Now THAT would be dynamic.

  10. #30
    Weed Eater
    Guest

    Re: Flattery, ego boosting sought!

    Let it go, John.

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