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  1. #1
    A J
    Guest

    Is this a weak scene?

    I've been writing my novel for quite some time now and i just wrote this scene, but i think it is VERY weak. Can i get your opinions? For bckground info, Katie is a therapist and Jay is telling her stories about his past - kind of the same concept of Prince of Tides.

    ***

    As I stop telling the story, I take a marshmallow, stick it on the skewer, and place it in the microwave. Katie keeps marshmallows in her cupboard for days like these. I love it when the marshmallow is almost dark brown on top so it’s chewy at first and crunchy later. Matt introduced the concept of marshmallow burning to me on one of my outings to his lake.
    “What? Why did you stop? Why are you smiling at me like that?” asks Katie as she turns around to get another marshmallow. Her hair glows in the firelight. I cannot stop staring at flowing her.
    “Your hair,” I say still smiling.
    “What? What’s wrong with it?” she asks frantically feeling her hair.
    “Nothing. Nevermind,” I say almost laughing.
    “What! Jay you better tell me or I’ll start charging you for these sessions.”
    “Well, the thing is, I mean you can’t get mad,” I say slowly.
    “JAY!”
    “When you turned around, your hair flew everywhere and got caught in my marshmallow!” I say, bringing my skewer around to show her. A clump of her hair is balled around my marshmallow. She screams and jumps up, carrying the skewer with her. She yells at me to find scissors and I do. Calming her down, I slowly cut the hair from the marshmallow and laugh as she glares at me.
    “You owe me two inches of my hair,” she says frowning at the hair covered marshmallow.
    “Oh come on. If you didn’t have all that hair anyway it wouldn’t have happened,” I say brandishing the scissors. “If you’d just let me…”
    “I’ve been growing this for months!” she says burning another marshmallow. Before I know it, she swings the skewer around and aims at my head. I duck in time for her to hit my ear, as I feel the stickiness of it running down my earlobe. She laughs as I realize what just happened.
    “Oh, no no no you are going to pay for this,” I say, realizing the funniness of the situation. She takes her finger, dabs some marshmallow from my ear, and eats it. “I don’t know If that’s supposed to turn me on,” I say laughing. I get up to wash my ear.
    “You learned your less, California. Never mess with a southerner,” she says flexing. She gets up and does a series of muscle poses.

  2. #2
    A J
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    Oh and Jay is from California.

  3. #3
    A J
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    and i just realized that should be "lesson" on the last line. haha sorry!

  4. #4
    Rachael Elg
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    That's good, though the others here may be a little lost. To me it was good, and helps fill the stomach I've growb for your story. I want that next chapter...

    You do say marshmellow three sentences in a row...

    It is not weak, though I don't know the stuff leading up to it. It is kind of amusing, as most of these parts are. It needs a revision, but it has the potential to be muscele man.

    Rachael

  5. #5
    Kris Williams
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    Hey, AJ -

    Did you really mean that he put the skewer in the microwave? ('cause most skewers for marshmallows I've seen are metal and you know what happens when metal goes in the microwave...)

    Other than that I really liked it.

    A couple of things:

    "I cannot stop staring at flowing her?" Did you just put the word 'flowing' in the wrong place or did you mean 'flowing hair'?

    "...realizing the funiness of the situation." You don't have to point it out - the scene should speak for itself.

    I could see some chemeistry developing between these two ...

    Good job!

    Kris

  6. #6
    A J
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    Haha Kris, thanks, as you can tell i am a sucker for hating to edit. I honestly cant reread anything i write unless it's been atleast a few days. I cant ever check my tests either. I don't know why i said microwave. Maybe i was thinking of putting my milk in the microwave. It meant to be fire

    AJ

  7. #7
    S Glen
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    Maybe I should have read whatever preceded this scene, because I did get a little lost. First of all I thought they were in a kitchen (because of the microwave) then when Katie's hair glows in the firelight, I was totally confused. So are they outside or inside?

    Overall, I enjoyed it and thought it was amusing. It reminded me of the scene in Armageddon with Ben Afleck laying down and that dark haired chick playing with his stomach (was it gummy bears?). Is there supposed to be sexual tension here or am I going a little nuts?

    My only comments would be some itty bitty grammar issues:

    “Your hair,” I say(think you need a comma here still smiling.

    “What!question mark would work better here, then put the ! at the end, after 'sessions' Jay you better tell me or I’ll start charging you for these sessions.”
    “JAY!” (no need to capitalize with an asterisk


    SG

  8. #8
    Jon Campbell
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    AJ,

    I agree it is not a weak scene and has potential. I can see the chemistry also. I think SG was right about some of the grammar issues.

    "Before I know it, she swings the skewer around and aims at my head. I duck If you ducked just in time then she would have missed you completely, yes? in time for her to hit my ear, as I feel the stickiness of it running down my earlobe."

    I am thinking that she hit you with the skewer. But realize it's the marshmallow.

    Keep it up,

    Jon

  9. #9
    A J
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    Sorry everyone, it should not be a microwave, but the fire itself haha. And i fixed the grammatical errors.

    Thanks Jon, SG, Rachael, Kris, =)

  10. #10
    TE Manthey
    Guest

    Re: Is this a weak scene?

    wow! I was thinking microwave lol and if you knew how a mic puffs the marshmallow and doesnt brown it lol..sorry I'll go back and re read.

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