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Thread: A short bit...

  1. #1
    Last Adventurer
    Guest

    A short bit...

    Last week I posted a link to my blog. The criticism I received was very helpful. I wanted my character to sound self-deprecating, and it was revealed he sounded pretentious, which is never a good thing. I was wondering if I could get some feedback on the opening paragraphs from this weeks post to see if I had solved some of the issues from last week. If the readers are interested, they can read the rest of the entry at my site, www.lastadventurer.com, but what I'd really like is feedback on these paragraphs, if that is possible. Thanks!

    ____

    Cigarette Butt. It could lodge in my rear brake. Loose gravel. It could get caught in between my wheels. It could shift as I passed over it, pitching me over the white line. Bottlecap. It could carom off my left wheel assembly and into my eye. Broken bottle. That could jam my front wheels, throwing me into the air. Patch of unidentifiable wetness. That could cause my boots to slip sideways, placing me on the ground.

    My legs ached from crouching at four feet. My knees winced at every impact between foreign objects and the wheels. Creases that had not graced the corners of my eyes five minutes before appeared and wrote themselves into my face. Faster than the velocity that propelled me down the hill my brainís relays jerked my eyes over the upcoming road bed like a furious puppeteer. The mild grunt of escaping air from my lungs as my knees were driven into my spine by a dip in the road went unnoticed by the roar of white noise that filled my ears and quickly moved on.

    The bottom of the hill approached, and my leg automatically formed the right angle that would hopefully cut my momentum at the stoplight. The harsh scraping of rubber being left on the pavement indicated to my body that it was safe to straighten, relax, and unclench muscles that I had involuntarily flexed. I waited for the light to change and adjusted the dented pads that covered my key joints.



  2. #2
    Kris T
    Guest

    Re: A short bit...

    "placing me on the ground"..."placing" isn't a very strong word.

    How are one's knees driven into one's spine?

    In answer to your question, yes - this reads much better, and more interesting. There's a more obvious focus on style, voice, and overall message than there is on syllables.

    There are areas that could be edited for wordiness and clarity, but overall I found it more engaging a read.

  3. #3
    Last Adventurer
    Guest

    Re: A short bit...

    Thanks - your tips have been quite helpful, especially last weeks comments. I agree "placing" is somewhat of a weak word choice. I appreciate your time and help!

  4. #4
    Kris T
    Guest

    Re: A short bit...

    No problemo, Senior! (I don't have the accent mark thingy on my keyboard...)

  5. #5
    Nathan Nicholl
    Guest

    Re: A short bit...

    Okay, time for a contary opinion. You can do better. I don't care about all the failure modes roller blading has. I think you can write something more interesting. Give me a reason for caring about your hide.

  6. #6
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: A short bit...

    Roller blading? Of course - nitwit me - I thought he was bike riding and it didn't make much sense, so I declined to comment.

    Of course, now that it's more clear - well, it's not very clear. So, with that said, I guess a little revising would probably be in order. Don't want blockheads like me cocking their heads and saying, "huh?"

    Unless, of course, this is a scene of a longer piece of work and the reader is well aware of what you're doing already. Then, disregard this.

    ta ta,

    C

  7. #7
    brandyn buchanan
    Guest

    Re: A short bit...

    You got the fear and neurotic style of your guy nailed down. And still, he had a little focus behind him. Good. Perfect.

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