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  1. #1
    Yoji .
    Guest

    R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.

    I'll have you know that I wrote this in about twenty minutes. Is this what is called flashfiction? Any comments about it are welcomed.

    And also, I don't know much about hospital care/treatment. So if I get something wrong, tell me. Danke.



    It just wasnít right.

    It wasnít right for him to lie there, hooked up to the machines like some bizarre science experiment in the making. He didnít talk anymore. He didnít laugh anymore. The only sounds in his white-walled hospital room were the beeps and whirs of the machines that surrounded him like a barricade of steel and wires. A steady breath was controlled by the respirator that guarded him at his bedside. The machines looked menacing, crowded around his now frail, doll-like body.

    These were June Annís thoughts as she watched her father sleeping in his bed. She had come straight after school to visit, just to sit there and be with him. It was the most she could do at this point. It was the most anyone could do. The spinal cord had snapped in two places, they said with eyes turned downwards. Irreparable damage. Paralyzed from the neck down. If he ever did come back to the waking side, they said, he would be bedridden for the rest of his life. Weíre incredibly sorry, Mrs. Maxton. So sorry.

    Sometimes, she imagined that he would get up. The doctors were all wrongóhe could still walk, and he could spit out that feeding tube, yank those I.V. s out, and march out of the hospital room and demand to go home. She liked to think about the look on Dr. Pachmannís face. My God, he would say, sitting down in his leather swivel chair, overcome with shock. Iíve never seen a miracle like this before, itís amazing, itís an unprecedented phenomenon, itís impossible. My God. And life would continue as it should have. The accident never happened. Daddy would continue to teach at Belleview, and Momma wouldnít have any hospital bills to cry over, and she, June Ann Mary Maxton, wouldnít sit here in the white-walled hospital room watching over Daddy.



  2. #2
    Rachael Elg
    Guest

    Re: R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.

    that's pretty good...it falls back on one of those life long debates. "Is a person who is only breathing really alive?"

    It was rather depressing though

    Rachael

  3. #3
    Kris T
    Guest

    Re: R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.

    The only thing I didn't quite get a grasp on is June Ann's age. If she's watching over him, I think she's old enough to watch over him (teen to late teen), but then he's referred to as "Daddy," and I wonder why a five year old is alone in a hospital room watching over her comatose father.

    I thought it was great, though - not bad for 20 minutes! Have you ever visited McSweeneys.com? Sometimes they have flashfiction contests, and I think they allow ten minutes, or fifteen, or something.

    Kris T.

  4. #4
    Jen Williams
    Guest

    Re: R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.

    Hi,

    Thinking way way back to my time as a student nurse...depending on how long he has been comatose he would likely have a tube going directly into his stomach for feedings rather than through his mouth. Of course, he might be intubated through his mouth, but again, if it has been a long time, he may have a trach in place (through his neck)...he could yank out his trach I suppose.

    Jen

  5. #5
    Joseph Coleman
    Guest

    Re: R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.

    Take it from me, the feeding tube goes through your damn nose! I had my feeding tube done four times on my last trip to the hspital. IU can tell you, when they pull that baby out for the last time, it feels sooooo good.
    There was one line that confused me. Something like: if he ever got back to the walking side he would be bed-ridden for the rest of his life...maybe I read that wrong.
    Of course, confusion is with me, constantly.
    It is very good. It took me twenty minutes to write...this!

  6. #6
    Yoji .
    Guest

    Re: R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.


    I thought of June Ann as a teen (maybe around 11th, 12th grade).

    Thanks for feeding tube help. I, fortunately, have never been in that position myself, so I guessed ^^;

    That one line, Joseph--I wanted to say, if he ever did regain consciousness, he would never be able to move again anyway. Does that make more sense?


    Thanks for making my Monday off so good! All I was doing was homework before...now I am inspired to write again! Lol.

  7. #7
    Jen Williams
    Guest

    Re: R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.

    Hi Joseph,
    It goes through noses for short term patients, but for people who are comatose or unable to eat for a long time, it goes through the abdomen into the stomach.

    THe types of interventions depend on the amount of time a patient needs them.

    Jen

  8. #8
    Kris Williams
    Guest

    Re: R+R (read and review!)...from the days of fanfiction writing.

    Hey, Yoji -

    I really liked it. It gave me a sense of desperation, especially the part where she expected him to just get up and march out, etc. It gave a good sense of the person her father had been before the accident.

    The only suggestion I would make is to make it clear who "Mrs. Maxton" is. At first I thought it was June Ann (that she was a married daughter).

    Other than that, well done!

    Kris

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