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  1. #11
    Jeanne Gassman

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph


    I have to agree with the others here. I'm having trouble with the layers of adjectives: "water poured in emerald, blue-white, mauve and gold"
    "within, without and through the falls"

    I assume you are writing fantasy, but even in fantasy, your descriptions must be specific enough for the reader to comprehend the magical world you're trying to create. My advice is to think essential details. What is the most important part of the picture you're trying to convey? The height of the falls? Their color? The movement in and out of the chasm? Sometimes one vivid adjective is worth much more than five adjectives that blur together. How can you distill this image into a single description using fewer words?

    Another suggestion is to go for the metaphor or simile rather than pile on the descriptive words. For example, rather than describe the falls with particular colors, you could say: The water poured from the cracked expanse in a sparkling rainbow hue, like the colors of...?" This technique can be especially effective in fantasy because it expands the reader's concept of the imaginary world your characters inhabit.

    Just my two cents on the matter... You've obviously got a good sense of when the prose turns the color of purple! (Sorry! Couldn't resist. )

  2. #12
    Usman Ijaz

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Amanda, is it really necessary to describe the colors the water changes through? Isn't there a simpler way of saying it? I'm gonna take a shot at it.

    The cavern in the cracked expense of cliff was higher than Drisal could mearure. The water poured down in shifting hues, from purple to gold as the sunlight hit it. A thin channel twisted down the face of the falls, and in the mist along the shore several painted waidins of wood and leather lay strewn about.

  3. #13
    Odd Socks

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    The cavern was higher than Drisal could measure. A thin channel of water twisted down the face of the cliff, curling within, without and through the falls.

    Whitewater spewed into the foaming lake below where painted waidins of wood and leather bobbed and shifted.

  4. #14
    Eric George

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Amanda - you're certainly getting your money's worth this time. I hope you have a masochistic streak...

  5. #15
    Amanda Turek

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Actually, I'm thrilled. I knew the paragraph sucked; that's why I posted it. You guys are giving me some really good feedback! I so appreciate it.

    Usman, nice to see you again. Maybe you should read more. You have a better sense of the image I am trying to convey here than I do.

    The point of it is supposed to be that the guy falls down it (the channel, not the falls) and drowns. hee hee.


  6. #16
    Nick Dobbie

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Writing at its best is just solidified emotion.

  7. #17
    Terri D

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    I'll give you a shot. But, here's a suggestion, don't make the sentences so long. If your going for tension (which, I don't know if you are) make the sentences shorter for a snap...snap...snap...effect.

    From a cavern in the mountain, farther above than Drisal could measure, the water poured in a kaleidescope of colors;blue-white, silver-emerald, mauve, lavender, gold. A thin whitestone channel wound down from above the cave mouth. It curled through the falls and spewed whitewater and unsuspecting boatmen into the foaming lake below. In the thick mist several painted waidins, made of wood and leather, littered the shore.

    Good luck

  8. #18
    Eric George

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Good, Terri, good.

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