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  1. #1
    Amanda Turek
    Guest

    !@#$%& paragraph

    Help! Can anyone come up with a suggestion or two (or more) about/for this paragraph? I weary of banging my head against the wall! I'm beyond knowing if it even makes sense. Thanks so much.

    Context: fantasy novel setting

    From a cavern in the cracked expanse of cliff, farther above than Drisal could measure, the water poured blue-white, silver-emerald, mauve, lavender, gold. A thin whitestone channel wound down from above the cave mouth, curled within, without and through the falls, and spewed whitewater and, today, whooping boatmen into the foaming lake below. Having finished their dizzying run, several brightly painted waidins made of wood and leather lay strewn with their paddles in the thick mist along the shore.

  2. #2
    Brittie .
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    remove adjectives and adverbs and look at what you have, for a start. Only use adjs and advs if your meaning is lost without them. Drisal? stone channel? waidins?

  3. #3
    Amanda Turek
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Thanks, Brittie - a very simple, and very helpful answer!

  4. #4
    Odd Socks
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    From a cavern in the cracked expanse of cliff, farther above than Drisal could measure, the water poured blue-white, silver-emerald, mauve, lavender, gold. A thin whitestone channel wound down from above the cave mouth, curled within, without and through the falls, and spewed whitewater and, today, whooping boatmen into the foaming lake below. Having finished their dizzying run, several brightly painted waidins made of wood and leather lay strewn with their paddles in the thick mist along the shore.

    The water poured blue-white, emerald, mauve, gold. A thin channel wound down from above the cave mouth, curled within, without and through the falls. Several painted waidins made of wood and leather lay strewn in the mist along the shore.



    Too much purple prose can bog a reader down!

  5. #5
    Amanda Turek
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Boy, Odd Socks, I like that.
    Makes perfect sense to me.

    I was told in feedback on a previous version that the reader couldn't tell what a waidin was from context, or what the channel was.

    So I went overboard, as it were.

    You think context is adequate?

    Thanks for your help!

  6. #6
    Odd Socks
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Take heed of what Brittie said---weed! Be sparse with qualifiers, and try and use stronger verbs.

    If you could subtly explain what a waidin is, without it being clunky, then have a go---

  7. #7
    Odd Socks
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    .....less is more!

  8. #8
    Amanda Turek
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Hey, Odd Socks, you still here?
    Heres another try; the next paragraph is included for the sake of context ... and maybe definition of a waidin?

    From a cavern in the cracked expanse of cliff, higher than Drisal could measure, the water poured in emerald, blue-white, mauve and gold. A thin channel twisted down the face within, without and through the falls. Several painted waidins made of wood and leather lay strewn in the mist along the shore.

    Drisalís brother, too, had ridden the channel, tumbling down akimbo while the blue shards of his boat plunged past him in the falls.

    -Amanda

  9. #9
    Amanda Turek
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Never mind. I hate it again. The rhythm in the first two sentences is monotonous.

    I find it sometimes hard to balance rhythm and richness with word economy.

    And yes purple prose is such a bummer.

  10. #10
    Eric George
    Guest

    Re: !@#$%& paragraph

    Not happy with 'cracked expanse' - I can't visualise it.

    ditto with 'the water poured in emerald, blue-white, mauve and gold'

    and also 'A thin channel twisted down the face within, without and through the falls.'

    Perhaps I'm just dumb and prosaic (don't answer that please) but the whole thing is not conjuring up a picture I can relate to from just one paragraph - you may have explained things elsewhere.

    I am not bothered with waidins - is that English? It doesn't matter if it is, it's so rare that you must have explained what you are referring to earlier. That being so, do you need to tell us now what they are made from?

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